S.O.S.

July 13, 2021

03:30AM

Dear Apa,

Hi!

I know I didn't write for almost two years. But I also know you understand. I only write to you when I feel sad, right? And for almost two years, I was happy. Or at least for the most part of it. So, am I sorry that I didn't write to you for a long time? Not really.

You guessed it right, I was happy because of Chad—the guy I was talking about in my last letter. But you probably are thinking "so why are you writing now?". Well, I'm sad now, OK.

In fact I was sad for over a month now. Actually, the better word to describe me now is depressed. I mean, I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression or whatever but I know there's something wrong with me right now. I'm not ashamed to admit it because I want to fix it before it gets worse. I need help Apa! I need to deal with this asap. Weeks before my birthday, I had a consistent suicidal thoughts. I was really determined to hang myself on my birthday and it was scary that I even thought of that. But it was a strong urge. What's even scarier is the fact that everytime I was having those thoughts, it feels just OK. Like it's what I have to do.

It's like having a switch you know. One moment I am so much willing to end my life and then it turns off and I become terrified that I was even thinking of it. For weeks, I struggled to keep my switch off. I fought it from turning back on atleast until my birthday is over. And obviously, I succeeded. It was such a relief when I made it through my birthday without harming myself. And I was OK for a couple of days. I decided to deactivate my Facebook account because I knew it contributes a lot with how I'm feeling. I hate to admit it but I think Chad is the major factor why I get sad everyday. Every single day, I open my messenger, waiting for his messages when I knew that no message was ever gonna come at all. And it makes me sad.

I called to greet him on his birthday and I was really happy that I got to talk to him again. And we talked about what was going on between us and we reconciled and all and everything was kinda sorted out. He confessed he already has a girlfriend. I knew it was gonna come, I was just not prepared how it was gonna hurt. It hurt like hell. But I said I was happy for him. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him. Maybe I'm just sorry for myself.

I reactivated my Facebook after we talked because I honestly thought I was OK. Until tonight, he finally changed his relationship status and it's only now I realized I wasn't "fixed" after all. I sent him a message admitting I'm not yet OK. And then I deactivated my Facebook again.

I decided to write to you because I know that I have to pour this out of my chest before it becomes heavy and serious. I know that in the next couple of days, my switch will turn on again. And telling someone about how I'm feeling maybe a good idea for now instead of keeping it to myself. Maybe—just maybe—it will help lessen the thoughts I dread thinking about.

Please note that I told people about what I'm going through. I told Joven and Neil and Frankie about my suicidal ideations. I also tried to tell Shiena about it through messenger but I decided to unsend the message coz I don't want to worry them. I just decided to tell this to you too because, I don't know, I just feel comfortable telling you everything.

it's me,

Tuesday

Those Three Words

November 23, 2019

08:27AM

Dear Apa,

I've been saying it a lot in my mind lately. But those three words are the last words I'd like to tell Chad. At least not now. Not anytime soon. It's not that I don't mean it. Maybe I'm just not sure yet whether I really feel this way or not. And besides, I told him at the start that I will not love him more than just a friend. And I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying those damn words. It happened an awful lot of times in the past, I won't let it happen again this time. Not with our friendship.

My favorite photo of us, taken on November 9, 2019

I really don't think I deserve someone like him. He's just too good for me. I don't think I did something good in my life to deserve something beautiful. He's the nicest human being I've ever encountered and I am just a pathetic, desperate emo girl. He deserves real happiness, like what I've been trying to give him. What I deserve is sadness, and that's what I'm used to anyway. It makes me sad realizing all these. But that's the reality. Let's not sugarcoat things just to make it look all better. My life is doomed and I am hopeless. I am really bound to be forever alone.

One day, I know I'll be able to gather all the courage to come up to him and tell him those three words. I just don't want to do it now. I want to stay friends with him. Forever. And I know that confessing will jeopardize this awesome friendship. So for now, I will keep my mouth shut tighter than a clam's shell. I will just cherish what we have right now. Whatever it is. Whatever we are.

it's me,

Tuesday

No More Trust Issues

November 20, 2019

10:25AM

Dear Apa,

I guess I was wrong about Chad being untrue to me. I admit, it's ridiculous to distrust him. He proved me wrong without him even trying. He just sat there with me at Army Navy, having dinner, giving me updates about what happened the previous week. Effortlessly, he earned my trust. He didn't have to lift a finger, he won my faith by simply being himself, doing his thing.

My intention was not to test him or whatever. What I actually planned to do was just go with the flow. If he was playing around, I would see the signs anyway. I mean, I'm not stupid. And it's not Rocket Science. I have a natural talent to sense when a person is being honest and when he is not. I love looking at his face when he's talking, and he always looks straight back at me. Eye to eye. That alone is a giveaway sign; he is sincere. He tells me everything, even the things that could probably hurt me, and I appreciate that 'coz the bottomline is that he tells me everything. That's why I felt guilt-stricken for doubting his intentions. I trust him now with all my heart.

At Army Navy
SM North EDSA The Block
November 19, 2019.

Today, I'm still hungover with the things that happened last night even when it only lasted like an hour (maybe even less). I'd say this is my favorite night among all the nights we spent together 'coz for some reason, we were just relaxed. Like we're very comfortable with each other. I mean, I am already at ease with him. But this time, I noticed that he's also the same with me. It makes me feel confident about our frienship status now. And I've never been this happy for a long time.

it's me,

Tuesday

Carpe Diem!

November 19, 2019

03:17PM

Dear Apa,

The ugliest feeling is not knowing what exactly to feel. It's like going crazy. You can't decide between being extremely happy or being deeply sad. Your heart tells you one thing but your mind says otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Like there are two persons fighting somewhere inside me. It could be depression. Or worse.

Sometimes I'm happy, but too happy it makes me sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to find ways to be miserably broken. No matter how good things are going, I find the bad in them. Call it pessimism, but for me, I'm not worthy of good things. This kind of thinking is the reason why I doubt this happiness. And I would end up questioning it and thinking of reasons why I don't deserve this happiness at all. That's me, my own worst detractor.

Our first "date"; November 3, 2019.

Chad and I have been seeing each other for weeks now. We eat out and he walks me home after. Maybe we are "dating" or maybe we're not. But does it matter? What's important is that I make him happy. Or at least that's what he told me. I feel happy with him too. But being the nega star I am, I can't help but doubt if everything between us—whatever it is—is real. My happiness is genuine, I just don't know about him though. And this is why I think twice about this "happiness" I'm feeling. Am I just forcing this? Or is it a real happiness but only exists at the wrong time? Maybe it happened prematurely. Maybe it's too early to feel like this. I'm not sure about Chad's truest intentions—yet

We're having dinner again tonight. I don't know how it's gonna feel like now that I admitted that I'm doubting him. But right now, I just feel elated, just like how I always feel when I'm with him. I'm not gonna spoil this for now. What I'm gonna do is look forward for our dinner date in the next two hours before I go off from my shift (yes, I'm writing this during work. Hehe!), and then I'm just gonna enjoy my time with him later. Live the moment, like what people say. And then I'll deal with my doubts again when I get home, before I sleep. If all these is just pretend, I guess I'm gaining something from it anyway. I become happy, even for just a little while. Now, if this happiness is bound to last for a longer time, then be it. I'll be very thankful for the rest of my life. Not that I think this will last, it's merely just hope. I can still be optimistic sometimes.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm happy now... sorta!

July 19, 2018

12:35PM

Dear Apa,

So I was a little too emotional on the previous letter because I guess I was missing Luke terribly. But days after I wrote that letter, Luke and I decided to see a movie together and catch up with everything in life. It's been so long since we last talked. The last time we saw each other was last month and he doesn't go online on Facebook that much and wouldn't respond to my texts either. But on July 12, we decided to meet up the following day and see Ant Man and The Wasp before he went back to Nueva Vizcaya.

For some reason, I woke up unusually early the day of our movie date. Maybe I was excited or did I just sleep too early the previous night? But I was supposed to buy Hot Wheels for my godson anyway, so I decided to go to the mall earlier than scheduled. At around 1PM, he came. We were at Starbucks for like an entire hour and man there was a lot of catching up that happened over my grande Green Tea Cream and his grande Americano. Our movie schedule was after some few hours so we had lots of time to spare and we went window shopping while continuously talking about random stuff like we used to.

I was glad we met that day. Everything felt like before, like nothing really changed. I want us to be that way forever.

Dinner at Pizza Hut courtesy of Frankie.

After the movie, we met up with Frankie because she invited us for dinner, her treat! Yay!

Since that day, I never felt lonely again. Even when Luke and I don't see each other that often anymore, at least I know that we are still the same bestfriends as before. He is in Nueva Vizcaya now and once he comes back to Manila, I'm going to ask him out again.

it's me,

Tuesday