I Heart You, You Haunt Me

A Way of Mourning

I've never been
to funeral
but today.

I see
gorgeous arrangements
red, yellow and purple
with long, green stems.

I see
a stained glass window with a dove banking,
a yellow sun,
a blue sky.

I see
a golden cross

And I see

Black dresses.
Black pants.
Black shoes.
Bibles black.

Black is my favorite color.
Jackson asked me about it once.

"Ava, because you don't like pink?
Or yellow?
Or blue?"

"I love black, " I said.
"It suits me."

"I combine with you," he said.

And then he kissed me.

I'm not so sure.
If I like Black


And then,
Apart from flower,
beneath the stained beside the cross,
I see,
the white coffin.

I see,
love the red, burning

Broken Promises

My mother arrives
and pulls my hand
my mouth
where I much
the edge of my skin
the side of my thumb
since I have no more fingernails
left to chew.

An ugly habit.
I promised Jackson
that would break.

I wonder
you have to keep a promise
for a dead person?

Mommy holds my hand
when in it's
music starts playing.

The smiling face of
appears on the screen
as we heard the song elegant
Eric Clapton's
Tears in Heaven

Not much
before the tears in heaven
make your way
until my eyes
then I closed mine
for a second.

In the middle of nowhere,
I'm in his car, at his side.
Music playing.
Windows down.
I take off my shoes,
I put my bare feet on the dashboard
and put my hand in his.

"Never leave me, okay?" I told him.

"Okay," he said.

He shakes my hand,
how to seal the deal.

My look
returns to
the pretty boy
in the screen
my thumb
to my mouth.

He broke his promise.
Can I break my own?

I'll always remember

The minister speaks.

"It's difficult when a young life is tragically interrupted.

"But we should celebrate a life that was Jackson

Look around for friends and family
he loved Jackson Montgomery."

"You will keep his memory alive."

There is a memory
flooding my brain
every five minutes.

That reminds me
and again.
I'm the reason
my boyfriend
have gone.

Memories can keep you alive.

But they can kill me.