The perks of being a Tuesday Sucgang.
Dear Apa,I know it reads pretty alarming. But if you were in my shoes, you're going to understand.
I don't want to go to school anymore! I have a feeling I'm going to die soon anyway. I've been thinking of hanging my self in the bathroom for weeks, I just can't find the courage to finally do it.
I'm not psycho, I just want things to end right away. Things I don't really want to happen but happen. I don't want my Ate Shishi to waste her time and money on me anymore. I really feel sorry that I had to make her do that. I love her, you know that Apa, don't you? And I don't want to upset her. I'm such a big disappointment! I hate to admit it but it's the truth. Please tell her I'm really sorry for this shit I've done. And I love her so much. I miss her, tell her I say thanks for all the help she gave me and Frankie.
Please tell Ate Shawie that I'm not thinking that she's such a villain in my life. It really hurts me when she thinks it that way. She and Ate Shishi, they are actually my heros. They keep saving me when I know I don't even deserve it being saved. I lied so much to the both of them and I really feel stupid for that. Don't forget to tell Ate Shawie that I love her. And I want to thank her for she never got tired of supporting me and Frankie. Tell her I'm asking her to keep supporting Frankie for I'm not gonna be here by Frankie's side anymore.
Tell Frankie not to miss me 'coz I'm still gonna be here for her. I'm not sure I'm not gonna miss her though, I've been with her all my life! I don't want to see her cry again. It always hurts me when I see tears in her eyes. I don't want her to get mad at me for leaving her, so please tell her I'm sorry that I already have to go. Please hug her for me if you can. She's the hardest thing to leave behind, but she's intelligent and I know she will understand.
I'm proud of my half-sisters, Apa. I wish I could spend more time with them. But I can't. You have no idea how happy I felt when Shawnee showed me she already can ride a bike. She learned it by herself, did you know that? I'm going to miss this cute little Shawnee. I love her so much. And Shiena, I'm proud of her too. Tell her I asked her to keep up the good works in school. And I love her.
Apa, I know I've written a freakin' much about Ralph Jhonel. But let me write about him again, for the last time. Tell him I'm really really sorry for I became a part of his life. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. But I love him with all my heart. Please tell him I can't keep my promise anymore, that I'm going to be right here waiting. I love him, Apa. I really do. I would really want him to be at my wake, if it is the only way I'm going to be with him again. I'm going to miss him. I wish him happiness.
I feel ridiculous writing all these. I don't want to hurt any person I Iove. But I just can't go on. Apa, I'm such a mess. I know what I'm doing is such a selfish thing. I want to be strong. I tried, you know I did. But it wasn't good enough. I can't do anything right. I just need to end my life.
If I lack the courage to finally do this, then I guess this is not the thing to do. If I manage and decide to go on with my life, I promise I'm gonna do things right. Are you going to help me, Apa?
it's me,Tuesday
Dear Apa,
Hello there! I’m trying to cheer up upon writing this letter because my previous letters weren’t really happy letters, were they? And besides, I think I really need to force my self to cheer up since Monday night. You see, I tried to talk to Ralph Jhonel but he just ignored me for the nth time. I really should be used to it, but I just can’t help but to feel sorry for my self for feeling like I am always begging for a little attention which seems like I’m never going to have.
Ralph Jhonel, by the way, is the love of my life. But I was never his love though. But that’s alright. If there is one thing that I am used of right now, it’s the fact that he’s never going to give affection back. He isn’t even willing to give me his attention!
Anyway, I caught him online on Facebook Monday night but I didn’t really plan on bothering him for I know that he just won’t give a damn if I do. But one of my friends advised me that I should at least try to talk to Ralph Jhonel because we never know what could happen next. So I said “Zup?” just to get over with it. I told my friend how I was sure that Ralph Jhonel won’t give a response. My friend told me that she was going to send Ralph Jhonel a chat message to see if he’s going to respond; if he responds to her, then that means that he’s really ignoring me.
After a minute, a chat message came from my friend saying that Ralph Jhonel replied to her chat message. I was like “I told you!” at first but as soon as the thought gradually sinks in my mind, I felt hurt. So Ralph Jhonel isn’t really busy after all, he just don’t want to talk to me – me alone! He talks to everybody but me. My best friend, Jhepmar, confessed when we were at Nelson’s (our friend) house to have some drink that he had been talking to Ralph Jhonel on Facebook chat. But I didn’t really make it a big deal. And then, few nights ago, my twin, Frankie was chatting with Ralph Jhonel and I was even right here in front of this computer to see what they were talking about.
Ralph Jhonel talks to everyone but me! Great! How can I ever get used to it? Three years ago, he spent almost all evenings here at my house; sometimes I didn’t really have to ask him to come. Three years ago, we exchanged text messages 24/7. Three years ago, we had fights and misunderstandings but didn’t last this long. Three years ago, I felt really important. Three years ago, I was special. Three years ago, I had all the reasons to reminisce the previous days and make the most out of the present day and look forward to the next day. Three years ago, I didn’t have to miss him because we were always together. Three years ago, I was the happiest person in this planet. Because three years ago, we were friends.
I’m sorry I can’t really be a cheerful person. If you live my so-called life, you’ll understand. I am trying not to be sentimental in this letter, Apa. But everytime I talk about Ralph Jhonel, there’s no way I’m going to feel glad. I guess he contributed most of the bitterness in me.
I really do hope we can be friends again, but it seems like he don’t feel the same way. Most of the time, I just cry it over. But the hurt keeps on resurrecting itself. Honestly, I don’t know what to do when the time comes that we’re going to see each other again. He’s mad at me. The last thing I asked him was what I did wrong to him. As usual, he didn’t answer. Maybe because there’s really nothing I did at all. It’s either that, or I’m just unaware that the thing I actually did that made him hate me was loving him.
If so, then I guess he just have to hate me forever!
It’s me,
Tuesday
Dear Apa,
Good morning! Guess what, I already found your Facebook account and I really feel so happy right now. I didn’t expect to find you, I didn’t realize it’s going to be that easy. Maybe I was really meant to find you, maybe even meant to have ridden on the same jeepney where you rode that fateful day. Now my smile just won’t fade – with James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” (covered by a girl named Sabrina) on repeat in my headset. I’m sure this song is going to be the soundtrack of my life from now on. Do you happen to know this song? It’s about falling in love with a stranger and never having an idea whether they’re going to meet again. So it’s going to be my song for you.
OMG! I’m starting to feel like Stan writing letters and dedicating songs to Eminem! LOL. But don’t freak out man, I’m not going to do the shit he did. After all, I don’t even really plan on obliging you to read these letters. Although I want to download your photos to keep in my mobile, I’m sure I’m even going to make one of them as my computer’s desktop wallpaper. But that should not mean that I’m obsessed or something. Let’s try to think that I’m a huge fan of yours.
This is somewhat true though, that I’m a fan. I knew by the moment that I saw you that you must be a musician. I have this natural talent to know if a person is in a band. Maybe it’s because I am a confessed frustrated rockstar and I love reading Pulp Magazine. I guess those are the major factors why I can tell if a person is in a rock band by just judging on the way he looks; the style, the attitude, the whole package. In your case, the goatee!
Anyway, I tried to write to you last night about this little catastrophe I am caught up in right now but I thought maybe it’s not a good thing to consult you about those kinds of matter now that we don’t even know each other yet. But really, if I suddenly feel like I want to spill my heart out, I’ll do the spiel. But for now, since I’m having a very good vibe, I want to keep it off my mind until this good vibe fades out. I’m kinda emo, you know. I can’t keep my self cheered up. If I feel glad and uplifted for a moment, I’d be totally quiet and feeling down the next. I am prone to sudden mood swings!
Hey Apa, I’m downloading your pictures right now. But if you think it’s not the right thing to do, just say something like, “Hey freak, leave my pictures alone!” and I’d be more than willing to delete them lots. I just want to keep them so that I can’t forget how you look like, but really, the choice is always yours since they’re your property.
I should go now. The sun is already up and I should get some sleep! I’ll write to you again!
It’s me,
Tuesday
Dear Apa,
I saw you yesterday. We were riding the same jeepney to Malolos City and then my life has changed in an instant. It was bizarre. And if you want to know the truth, I do realize that it sounds kind of creepy to you. You may think I’m psychotic, but I dare say it was love at first sight.
Now that’s insane, isn’t it? I don’t know how it feels like to get affection from someone you don’t even know at all, but I’m pretty sure that it will freak the hell out of you. Man, I’m so sorry about that! I don’t mean to be like some deranged stalker or something, I may be somewhat deranged but at least I’m not a stalker. Or at least not by now! I’m going to be honest to you, I plan on tracking you down; I could search for your name on Facebook or anywhere in the World Wide Web – internet is just so wonderful for this kind of stuff, don’t you think? But really, I don’t know what to do next. Should I talk to you? If I do, I’m not sure you’re just going to freak out and ignore me. But it’s the best thing I could think about at the moment. My semi-psychotic, wholly neurotic mind can’t seem to function well right now as I still don’t get me some sleep. I have been trying to memorize every single detail of your face the whole freaking night, kind of afraid that if I sleep, I’d wake up only to forget what you look like. I don’t want to misremember those cute little eyes. The ones that never looked my way and let me down. It was depressing! I was kind of hoping that you’d look at me, but you didn’t. But that’s okay! At least you failed to notice how I stared at you half the trip. It’s funny, we were just inches away and yet you were unaware that I had been watching you all along. Don’t you think I’m such a good stalker?
By the way, I want to thank you for your tattoo. If it wasn’t for it, I’m not going to know your name. I know it could be that it’s someone else’s name you have there inked on your forearm, but I sensed that the name is yours. I’ve seen a lot of guys with similar tattoos and it’s always their names they have on that area. Miggy Chavez has one. And Chito Miranda too. So I assumed what you have there is not anybody else’s name. But does it really matter if it is actually your name or not? I would want to call you Apa whether it is what you are actually called or not. I guess what’s important is that I can address you properly now that I am writing you this letter – and the next many letters I plan to write to you. I don’t want to talk to you like, “Dear You, whatever your name is” because it’s rude to talk that way. And the last thing I want to do is to be rude to you because I don’t want to get you upset.
Hey Apa, from now on, I’m going to write to you on regular basis, is that alright? I want to tell you things about me and my so-called life so that if you get to read these rants, you’re going to know me too. Let’s get to know each other!
Oh my God, this is ridiculous. What the hell am I thinking? Do I really think I’m going to have the chance to know you? Chances are I’m never even going to track you down or you are not really going to give a damn. Whatever! I’m still going to write to you, if it is any consolation.
It’s me,
Tuesday
