To Sir, With Love

January 5, 2011
01:32AM

Dear Ralph Jhonel,

I have lived 20 years before I met you, 2 freakin' decades, imagine that! It's almost all my life!

20 years, my God! Where have you been? How did I survive those years without even knowing you existed? My folks taught me to speak, but now, the only thing I talk about is you. I learned to write my name so I can go to kindergarten, but now, yours is the name I always write. During grade school years, my mind was set to playing all day long, but now, all I can think about is you. And I learned to fall in love in high school, but then, I realized it wasn't love after all. Because it wasn't for you.

You see, you changed my life. And I thank you for that! You've been the greatest friend I had since that fateful July 5, 2008 day when I first met you. Do you remember? I never get tired of telling people how I met you, because that's the highlight of my short life. You are the bestest thing that happened to me — if "bestest" is even a word. If I ever lose you, I'd die.

I know I'm such a pain in the ass. You once told me that you're only forcing yourself to be friends with me. I was totally, badly hurt. Also, when you told to my face that all my friends turned their backs at me just because I am too "assuming" and "paranoid". Well yes, maybe I am paranoid. Especially now that I am aware that friends only fake smiles and pretend to have accepted me as me. Since the day you told me that not a single friend can stand me, I lost self-esteem. I became so concious that I never talked to old friends at my college. What if they're only pretending to like me, and then turn their backs at me in the end? God knows I don't want to feel the agony of being left behind again, so I distanced from them. And now, I would always sit in my classes alone. Sometimes it makes me want to just suddenly cry. But what can I do? People only pretend to like me. Thank you for telling me the truth.

I am so trapped in the past. Most days, I feel so pathetic that all I can ever talk about are the things from the past 2 years or so. Man, I don't know anything about you any more! I know it's lame that when people ask me about you, all I could possibly say are those things I'm not sure you even remember; marangal, chocolitos, shemagh, the movie, Right Here Waiting, October 11, Em-em the doll, Mr. Copperfield, Cassie and a whole fuckin' lot more. I mean, these things matter only for me so why would you remember, right?

WTF? I'm ranting so much when all I just want to say is that I fuckin' miss you so fuckin' much. And I want to be your friend again. I miss you, Photskie. So much! I miss my old friend — the one who wasn't forcing himself to be my friend, the one who never let me cry this hard, the one I always thought would never change. Grant my last request, be my friend again for the last remaining days of my life. I wish I won't die before it happens.

it's me,
Tuesday

P.S. Happy 2 and a half years. And I love you.