These Letters are Proof

January 26, 2011
10:10PM

Oh man, I feel so depressed. I just found these old letters I wrote to Ralph Jhonel in January 2009, they've been silently confined between the pages of my movie project planner for two freakin' years. I read them one by one, all 4 separate letters. They happen to have just a single topic. They remind me of how frustrated I was that Ralph Jhonel fucking hated me big time. Now I started feeling lethargic. It feels like history repeats itself; same things happen again in the present.

I never let Ralph Jhonel lay eyes on these letters, or did I ever even have the chance to make him read them? I don't know if the thoughts in these letters also apply to the current situation, but I decide to post them all here anyway.

THE FIRST LETTER:

OK. These are the most honest things I'm ever going to tell you. What I feel about what's happening to us haunts me every single day of the rest of my life. This friendship we have seems to be hanging by a thread; a thread that's been so fragile but we never seem to care. So we keep putting ourselves and our friendship in jeopardy. One last move and the thread that's patiently trying to hold us might already let go and break.

As for me, I'm desperately trying to make our friendship survive. My fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation. I keep trying to make my self believe that this friendship with you will resurrect itself. But it gets tiring to hope upon hope. It gets frustrating to see no sign of you and me, patching up with things. It hurts to know that I'm the only one who tries to revive us with all my might. You know you can do your part, but seems you don't want to waste your time for that.

I admit, I did wrong. But I regret what I did and I've suffered so much already. I lost you now. I hate to say it but yes, I lost you now. And you make me feel like you have no plans on ever coming back to me. I want to scream, to plead for you to come back. But I know that I only deserve to be left behind because of what I did to you. But it kills me. I swear, I'm dying inside. I just can't go on without you.

But do I have a choice? You don't even care about me anymore. I deserve this. And I guess I just have to accept my fate. Oh damn this fate!

We are never going to be the same ever again. Someday, our paths will cross again and I'm not sure that you're going to recognize me or that you're going to give out even just a fake smile. One thing is for certain, that I'm going to cry. I know I'm going to remember how perfect our friendship started and how catastrophic it ended. I know I'm going to remember how wonderful a friend you were once upon a time.

I'm still holding on to this feeling I have for you inside. This is the only thing I want to keep. I love you. Keep in mind that everything I say here is my most honest of thoughts — especially those three words. I hope you know how strong this feeling I have for you. I mean it when I say that. There was never a time that I told you I love you and I never meant it. Loving you is the last thing on earth I'm ever going to regret.

A lot of things changed between the two of us. But more than anything else, you've changed. You are so much unlike the person I once knew; you don't care about me anymore. All of a sudden, I don't matter. But I won't ask for your attention, I know you'll never even give a damn. Let me tell you something. By the way, this is the most honest of all the things I have to say. In spite the fact that you'll never come back, I'll still be right here waiting.

THE SECOND LETTER:

Here I go again! Sleepless. Writing down yet another series of sad thoughts that keep sprouting out inside my over-used mind. There's this one question that I suddenly felt I have to ask to you. "Can't we work it out?".

But how in the world could I ask you that? Especially now that you are so damn insensitive to even notice how I'm being too desperate to get your seemingly precious attention. It's hard to have a question and I can't even bring my self to make a move and ask. And the thought that you wouldn't even give me a straight-forward answer makes me want to back-off even before coming up to you.

Yes, I'm not confident. My self-esteem is low since the time you made it obvious that I do not matter to you anymore. How are you going to listen to me when I ask if you won't even care about a single SMS I send? If you can't give a damn about a text message, what more to a conversation? I don't want to just come up to you and ask and pretend that nothing's happening to us. Because maybe you'd just turn your back to me and leave. Oh my God, I'm so not confident!

You can't blame me if I think this way. Because the last time I checked, you are ignoring me. I don't have a clue why you hate me that much. If it's because of how I treated you before when I said things about you which you said aren't true, then aren't my apologies enough? If there are other reasons, you won't even say.

Do I actually have to wave a white flag? Can't we just talk things through? The matter don't seem to be that big a deal that a simple conversation won't do the trick. Or at least, the matter I am aware of.

Why won't you tell me what is it that made you hate me so much? If I'm guilty, then I will let you do whatever you want; even totally ignoring me. I know you were accused once, but what if it's me who's being accused this time? How on earth will we know if you don't want to talk to me anyway?

Can't we work it out? If you come to think of it, it's just a simple question. But with the way you act nowadays, I think we just can't.

THE THIRD LETTER:

RALPH...

I don't know if it's just me, or you're really making me feel useless -- I hope it's just me. But what can I do? I can't help but to feel this way. You don't seem to appreciate the things I do when I thought what I do are such great help. You never fail to say "Thanks!", but it always sounds as if it's "Thanks, but no thanks!". Why can't you be just honest? It can be less painful, you know. You can tell it straight to my face that you don't need me at all.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so fucking confused. I'm honest here. You won't even give me a straight answer whenever I ask you things. I think I'm going crazy.

You fucking hate me. YOU FUCKING HATE ME!!! You so fucking do. You fucking hate all the fucking things I fucking do. You fucking hate the fucking Tuesday I fucking am. I'm just your life's biggest, fucking joke. And that's exactly why you fucking hate me.

I'm NEVER gonna be good enough for you, am I? This fucking Tuesday can never be good enough at anything else. I mean, why in the world did I even think that I can? I am just being a bitch trying to get involved at everything and making everyone's life so fucking miserable, including my own fucking, damned life.

Congratulations for finishing the movie. You should celebrate for a job-well-done. Celebrate it without me so you'll all have a wonderful time. I'll just stay here in my bed, waiting for yet another fuck-filled day. Oh great! I'm so used of it.

I dreamed of making this movie for years. Now I think I shouldn't have. This fucking movie only gave me nightmares and depressions to the extremes.

Why do you fucking hate me???

Where the hell did I go wrong???

What the hell is up with PRETENDING you're my FRIEND???

I promise, I'm dying without you!!!

This is the only thing I know, crying my heart out when no one even cares. Crying these fucking tears for someone who won't even give a damn. These fucking songs make me sick. These songs I can't stand listening to but I still fucking do.

Fuck you, TUESDAY!!!

You are worthless in its truest sense. You are just an ambitious creature, just in case you don't know.

You are so fucking dead!!!

RALPH...

There's no sense pretending now. I had enough. Everything's just a show. From that fucking night of July 5th to this fucking night. Everything that's happened since the last six fucking months are all just pretending. They're all fucked up.
I hate my self.

I so hate my self....

I fucking hate me...

I'm going to sleep now...

See you...

right here waiting,
Tuesday

THE FOURTH LETTER:

I SURRENDER. I just can't take it anymore. I'm starting to miss you so bad. And if the distance between us grows any wider, I'm not sure if I can still survive. We started giving each other hard times and all of a sudden, life itself became complicated — as if life doesn't already suck enough! My life changed a lot since we started fighting. And I don't want fighting to ruin our friendship. So here I am now, raising a white flag. Yes, I am giving up! I can't stand it being mean to you, so you win.

It doesn't really matter who's to blame here. Is it me, or is it you? Nah! That's not important. I'll just take the blame so we can both get through with this nonsense. I don't care about my issues anymore, 'cause all I can really care about is you alone. I won't ask for anything else. I don't plan on forcing my issues just to get straight and forward answers to my questions. Because, I'm certain, you won't say anything at all. Just like you always do.

OK. I'll try to make things straight. I want things between us to be stable. So I guess I'm calling for reconciliation. If you think we need it here and now.

Now, these letters are proof. The friendship between me and Ralph Jhonel was never picture-perfect. But these letters are from the previous chapters of our lives. We already turned the pages and it's now another story. I've matured enough since the last 2 years and I know I'm not telling things to Ralph Jhonel any more like those in the letters. I love him, and I don't want to get him hurt by those kinds of things. I'm sure I don't really have to think about doing it, because I know he's still there. Things may have changed but I know I still have a friend in him. And yes, he's still the same love of my life — and I'm still right here waiting. Even if it takes forever, I'll wait.