We Are Not the Same Any More, Sometimes I Forget to Remind My Self That!

January 21, 2011


Actually, I've been very busy with being a Cheer Captain to even check on Ralph Jhonel's Facebook wall every-so-often like I used to. I missed him big time, especially that he seldom update his account nowadays. He must be very busy as this week's their prelim exams.

I posted something on his wall earlier without any hope for his reply, but he commented. I asked him about his exams and he told me he did pretty well. He seems so confident about it, I wasn't surprised at all. I know he'll do great. I actually envy him for that. LOL. Next week's our midterm exams and I am negative about it. I don't know a damn thing about our lessons as I've been very busy with the cheer team. I'm not sure I'm gonna flunk every single exam. I'm planning to self-study but I don't have lecture notes to study with. I can't even think of someone I can borrow notes from because I don't have friends in my class. Man, I am going to be so dead! But I'll make ways to get over with these friggin' examinations without flunking. Oh Lord, please help me!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to having a copy of the next MuyLeal issue. I still can't convince Ralph Jhonel to give me one again, but I know he'll eventually give in. He gave me a copy of their previous issue last November only because I bugged him for that, so that's what I'm gonna do again. Haha! I don't know why he seems not confident about their magazine. If I was an editor-in-chief, I'd be very proud. If I were in Ralph Jhonel's shoes, I'd probably let my awful lots of friends to lay eyes on my works.

I remember I once asked Ralph Jhonel if he's going to pursue writing, he isn't sure. I honestly think he should. He's pretty good with it. Sure he needs more improvements, there are lots of room for that. He's going to be great! But ofcourse it's up to him. Who am I to decide for him, right?

I miss him. That is actually all I want to say when I decided to write this entry. I can't bring my self to say it to him. I don't know, but whenever I want to say something to Ralph Jhonel, I have to think it hard whether I should say it or not. And then I'd just end up not saying a thing at all. Instead, I would just write them all in this blog and it somehow satisfies me. Maybe because I know he don't read this blog and still I manage to word out my thoughts. Maybe one day he's going to read all these entries about him, at least not anytime soon. Maybe even when these thoughts are already forgotten, when we'd only laugh when we look back at them. I'm not my self any more, I'm not confident to tell him things straight. It's this idea that we don't have the same friendship as before that's giving me this low self-esteem. I really miss our friendship. But more than anything, I miss the old Ralph Jhonel.

I can't remember the last time I told him I love him. It's weird! I used to tell him those three words every-so-often that I feel the need to. It's not that I don't feel like it anymore, I still love him just the same. Maybe even deeper and greater. But the thought that he would just ignore those words breaks my spirit and I'll just stop my self from expressing it. I guess I'm just so sick of being hurt for he always pretends not recieving such affection from me. Not that I'm demanding it, but he could at the very least acknowledge it. But then again, who am I to decide for him, right?

I'm not gonna see Ralph Jhonel anytime soon. Summer break it still too far ahead. And I'm not even sure if he's gonna spend it here in Bulacan. And if he's going to, it still up to him whether he's gonna show himself up or not. I'm not gonna argue about it to him, it's not his obligation to meet up with me everytime he's in Bulacan. Sure it hurts, but who am I to complain? We are not the same any more, sometimes I forget to remind my self that. He's found himself lots of new friends in UST, I'm really happy for him. I know it made no difference that I am out of the way now. It sucks, but I have to accept that notion. I understand, I honestly do. That is why I never questioned when he never told me he was here in Bulacan last Christmas break. I cried for days, thinking that he could at least said he was here but never really planned on showing up. It could've been less painful. But I just understood. At least the fact that he was near made me feel better. Only that seeing him again will make me really happy. But who am I to decide for him, right?

Didn't I say that the only thing I wanna tell in this entry is that I miss Ralph Jhonel? I haven't noticed I've been saying so much. LOL. I guess I should end this now. He's not gonna read this anyway, so there's really no sense typing too much. Tonight, I bet the farm, I'm going to cry my self to sleep. Because I really miss Ralph Jhonel and I feel frustrated for I can't tell him that I do. I hope to have the courage tomorrow to finally tell him all these things. But I doubt it! So maybe I should just go to sleep now. Thanks for reading. Goodnight.

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