January 27, 2018
03:24PM
Dear Apa,
Hey! If you wanna know the truth, I picture you rolling your eyes on me while reading this letter. I know, I know! I promised I'd be writing to you more often. But didn't. Don't be mad, it doesn't mean I already forgot about you. Truth is, that's the last thing I'd do.
In the previous letter, I told you I was gonna write about Chris. I'm actually intending to start it now, but then I realized I really have nothing to say about him anymore. It's not like there isn't anything worth telling—there actually is an awful lot. It's just that I don't feel like I should write anything about him anymore as we already have our own separate lives now.
OK. I'm not saying that we had a life together or something or whatever, he was just a workmate who happened to be so damn hot is all. Yup, he was my ultimate crush. And I guess I was fortunate enough to get the kind of attention he gave me. I enjoyed it, to be honest. Nobody made me feel that special for a long time. We called each other "babe" and our friends were all happy for us, supporting our "ChrisTue" team-up all the way. And I was the happiest I can possibly be.
But at the end of the day, as soon as work was over, everything would come back to normal. I'd go home feeling as lonely as ever knowing that Chris would go home to his wife and kids. At the end of the day, as the skies went dark, the reality that we were only friends would become clearer. Truth hurts, reality bites. We were never more than friends. At the end of the day, I'd feel more "forever alone" than ever.
I know it reads like I wanted to be with him. Newsflash, I never did. He was my dream guy, that's for sure, but his wife is also one of my dearest friends. And his kids are so beatiful, I wanted to volunteer to be their godmother. I am happy for him for having his own wonderful family. And everything we had—if there's even any—was all just for fun.
Am I hurt? Nah! Just feeling a little bit bittersweet maybe. I don't feel sad that what we were doing was all pretend, I guess the saddest thing about all of it was the fact that I would never really have anyone to make me happy. That at the end of the day, I was just fooling myself.
I know I said I have nothing to write about Chris, but look at me, uncontrollably typing words that mean nothing else but him. My body seems to already know our "love story" that there isn't a need for a push or anything to tell it to you or to anybody else. If you wanna know the truth, Chris is already a part of me. He already had his special place in my heart where I would keep him forever.
it's me,
Tuesday
