I'm Sorry, I'm Stupid (Update)

February 15, 2012

11:23AM

Dear Apa,

Just when I thought the tension between me and Jhepmar ceased a little, he sent me a text which I suppose was actually for Marnel.

So this isn't over yet. Jhepmar never changed! I can't do anything about it. T_T

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm Sorry, I'm Stupid

February 11, 2012

02:09AM

Dear Apa,

I'm too tired from dance rehearsals and so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I just had a confrontation with my bestfriend through SMS and man was he so mad at me. T_T

Earlier, I sent a group message about the Beats I lost the other night and Jhepmar thought I was saying that it was him or one of his friends who stole the headphones. I know the message reads as if I was putting the blame to other people, but it wasn't him or any of his friends. Jhepmar is my bestfriend! We know each other very well. I know that he won't do such thing to me, because if he's the kind who's gonna steal things from me, he's probably done it before.

I said I'm sorry. I wasn't sure why I apologized, but I said I'm sorry anyway. But I know he's not ever gonna listen. I know Jhepmar, he's never gonna understand me when I explain what really happened. And now, I know our friendship is in jeopardy again. I'm starting to get scared Apa, the last time we had a fight, Jhepmar did not talk to me for months. He's my bestfriend, but he's also my worst enemy.

As of the moment, I'm thinking of a way to talk to him about this. He's the only friend I can't lose. My life is about to end soon, can't our friendship wait a little longer? I hope he did not mean it when he said we are not friends anymore. I hope he can wait until the day I die before he decides to end this friendship. It's not gonna take long anyway.

it's me,

Tuesday

Losing My Religion

February 06, 2012

08:11AM

Dear Apa,

I'm having this weird thing happening to me. I would want to think that this is not a big deal, but it really scares me big time. I don't even know what this thing is, but the fact that this is something really alien to me is what makes it scary. In over a year now, I never set foot in a church. And to tell you honestly, I feel like my faith is slowly faltering. Not that I don't want to believe in a God, it's just that I started wondering if God really exists. I mean, don't you realize how crazy it is to talk to someone you haven't even met. We confide everything to "him" and we don't get any response but we still do anyway. We pray for the things we want but nothing really comes yet we still thank "him". We ask for forgiveness whenever we do wrong and we'd think we can already get away with it because we already apologized and then we'd do the same shit again because we know that we can always ask for forviveness. And we always will be forgiven.

It's not a bad thing to believe that there is God, we have nothing to lose if we believe anyway. But the fact that we doesn't even know if that someone we are talking to is real or not makes me think otherwise. What if there is no God after all? We all lived our lives believing in something that isn't real. We wasted our times hoping that there is that someone out there who's gonna make life easier for us, so we did not make any effort and do something to make our lives easy ourselves. If it turns out that God doesn't really exist, it would mean that we've been fooling ourselves all our lives.

It is said that God created man, but it seems the other way around; man created God instead. During the time when people were living in primitive tribes, there wasn't a God yet. But human was becoming more and more wise, they started questioning about many things. Where did man come from? How did the world begin? And since they never found out any answer, they decided to invent God. So for every question without an answer, they can always say that it was God's plan.

Suddenly, men became afraid of the things they don't understand. And because they are scared, they considered those things as "bad things" and they decided to make their God hate "bad things" so that people won't do it again. And so they're not gonna be scared anymore. A perfect example would be homosexuality. The people of that primitive tribe did not understand homosexuality, and since they are scared of the things they don't understand, they considered it as one of the "bad things" and made their God say that it is a sin to be attracted to the same sex and you will get punished for being homosexual. And so homosexual people became evil people and they should not be accepted. That's what their God said, or at least that's what they made their God say. And because people of our generation still believe in the same God that those primitive tribesmen created, homosexuality is still unaccepted.

Do you believe in God? Do you believe that the God most people believe in is good all the time? If God is really good all the time, then why is there bad things happening around us? Why is there still war and hunger and natural disasters? Isn't it that the God we believe in is supposed to be good and loving and "he" should be having mercy to "his" creations?

My grandma would always say something like "Galit na 'yan ng Diyos" whenever we watch TV and there are news on calamities. I couldn't help but think, is it really how a God should punish? Whatever happened to the merciful and forgiving God! Like in the bible when Noah was told to build an arc because God will make a great flood so the sinners will all die, it only proves that the God we always thought was forgiving is merciless all along. What's the point of repenting before the judgment day if after all, we'll all gonna die anyway?

Maybe I'm just being too doubtful, Apa. 

But if God happens to be real, can "he" blame me for having all these doubts when "he" is the one who's supposed to be responsible for this intelligence I own? If it is true that we only live our lives according to God's plan, then clearly enough, it is "his" plan to make me gradually lose my faith.

it's me,
Tuesday

Sui Caedere

February 05, 2012

01:14PM

Dear Apa,

I wrote you a letter on January 24, 2012 03:12AM. And here's what I wrote:

Dear Apa,

I don't want to go to school anymore! I have a feeling I'm going to die soon anyway. I've been thinking of hanging my self in the bathroom for weeks, I just can't find the courage to finally do it.

I'm not psycho, I just want things to end right away. Things I don't really want to happen but happen. I don't want my Ate Shishi to waste her time and money on me anymore. I really feel sorry that I had to make her do that. I love her, you know that Apa, don't you? And I don't want to upset her. I'm such a big disappointment! I hate to admit it but it's the truth. Please tell her I'm really sorry for this shit I've done. And I love her so much. I miss her, tell her I say thanks for all the help she gave me and Frankie.

Please tell Ate Shawie that I'm not thinking that she's such a villain in my life. It really hurts me when she thinks it that way. She and Ate Shishi, they are actually my heros. They keep saving me when I know I don't even deserve it being saved. I lied so much to the both of them and I really feel stupid for that. Don't forget to tell Ate Shawie that I love her. And I want to thank her for she never got tired of supporting me and Frankie. Tell her I'm asking her to keep supporting Frankie for I'm not gonna be here by Frankie's side anymore.

Tell Frankie not to miss me 'coz I'm still gonna be here for her. I'm not sure I'm not gonna miss her though, I've been with her all my life! I don't want to see her cry again. It always hurts me when I see tears in her eyes. I don't want her to get mad at me for leaving her, so please tell her I'm sorry that I already have to go. Please hug her for me if you can. She's the hardest thing to leave behind, but she's intelligent and I know she will understand.

I'm proud of my half-sisters, Apa. I wish I could spend more time with them. But I can't. You have no idea how happy I felt when Shawnee showed me she already can ride a bike. She learned it by herself, did you know that? I'm going to miss this cute little Shawnee. I love her so much. And Shiena, I'm proud of her too. Tell her I asked her to keep up the good works in school. And I love her.

Apa, I know I've written a freakin' much about Ralph Jhonel. But let me write about him again, for the last time. Tell him I'm really really sorry for I became a part of his life. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. But I love him with all my heart. Please tell him I can't keep my promise anymore, that I'm going to be right here waiting. I love him, Apa. I really do. I would really want him to be at my wake, if it is the only way I'm going to be with him again. I'm going to miss him. I wish him happiness.

I feel ridiculous writing all these. I don't want to hurt any person I Iove. But I just can't go on. Apa, I'm such a mess. I know what I'm doing is such a selfish thing. I want to be strong. I tried, you know I did. But it wasn't good enough. I can't do anything right. I just need to end my life.
If I lack the courage to finally do this, then I guess this is not the thing to do. If I manage and decide to go on with my life, I promise I'm gonna do things right. Are you going to help me, Apa?

it's me,

Tuesday

I know it reads pretty alarming. But if you were in my shoes, you're going to understand.

it's me,

Tuesday 

Sulat para kay Photskie

January 17, 2012

09:52PM

Dear Photskie,

Hi! Bigla kasi kitang na-miss kaya eto, naisipan kong sumulat sa’yo. ‘Di kasi ako sigurado kung may cellphone ka na ba ulit, tsaka sabi mo eh sira ‘yung chat mo sa Facebook. Eto nalang tuloy ang naisip kong paraan para mangamusta. Kaya kung mapapag-desisyunan mong basahin ‘to, salamat.

‘Di ko talaga in-expect na magiging friends tayo ulit. Ang totoo, nung ‘di mo ko kinausap ng humigit-kumulang isang taon eh muntik na talaga akong mawalan ng pag-asa na papansinin mo pa ako ulit. Buti nalang matigas ang ulo ko at sinubukan ko parin na maghintay na dumating ‘yung time na babalik tayo sa dati. Buti nalang talaga! Kung nakalimutan kong magpasalamat sa’yo nung pinagbigyan mo ‘ko na makasama ka namin ulit nung Christmas break, nagpapasalamat ako sa’yo ngayon. Sobrang laking bagay na sa’min – or at least sa akin – na binigyan mo kami ng konting panahon mo.

Alam mo Photskie, ‘di ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit mo naisipan noon na iwasan ako. Alam ko na dahil ‘yun sa ayaw mong mas lumalim pa ‘tong nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Pero ‘diba alam mo naman na hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit sa binibigay ko sa’yong affection? Wala akong natatandaan na kahit isang beses na humiling ako sa’yo na suklian mo ‘tong pagmamahal ko sa’yo. Kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang dapat na problemahin eh. Simula pa nung umpisa, alam ko na hindi mo naman talaga pwedeng tumbasan ‘yung nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Kaya nga hiniling ko sa’yo na maging kaibigan mo nalang ako diba? Hindi naman siguro ‘yun masama. Kaso, sa nagdaang humigit-kumulang isang taon, parang pati pagkakaibigan na hinihingi ko eh pinagdadamot mo pa.

Pero syempre wala naman akong magagawa kung ‘yun ang gusto mo. Sino ba naman ako para mag-reklamo, diba? Kung sa bagay, kahit ano naman ang maging desisyon mo eh alam kong nandito parin ako, matigas ang ulo na mamahalin ka parin kahit na anong mangyari. Ewan ko ba, ganun yata talaga akong mag-mahal eh. Madalas pinapagalitan na nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko, lalo na kapag wala na akong ibang alam sabihin kungdi ‘yang pangalan mo. Ang sabi nila, magmahal na daw ako ng iba. Sinusubukan ko naman eh. ‘Di ko pa lang siguro talaga nahahanap ‘yung taong mas hihigit pa sa’yo.

‘Di naman ako ganun ka-desperado. Ang totoo, may mga gago pa naman na nagmamahal sa’kin kahit na pa’no. At alam ko na nagmahal din naman ako. Pero ewan ko ba, bakit sa huli eh pangalan mo parin ang bukambibig ko. Siguro ibang level kasi ‘yung nararamdaman kong pagmamahal sa’yo. Hwow! Ang gwapo mo naman ata? Haha. Pero ‘yun ang totoo eh.

Nga pala (nga pala ano?). May iku-kuwento pala ako sa’yo. Meron kasing isang lalaki sa school naming na sobrang galling magpa-kilig sa’kin ngayon. Itago nalang natin s’ya sa pangalang Ian, kahit iyun naman talaga ang pangalan nya. Haha. Love ko s’ya, alam ko na ‘yun sa sarili ko. Ang totoo, pinigilan ko din na mahulog sa kan’ya, kaso sa maniwala ka at sa hindi, ibang klase talaga s’ya magpa-kilig sa’kin. Pero simula nung natapos ang Christmas break, hangga’t maari eh iniiwasan ko na s’ya, kasi mahal ko na s’ya. Ayoko na kasing magmahal ng iba eh. Kaya kung ‘di ko s’ya iiwasan ngayon pa lang eh siguradong lalo lang akong maiin-love sa kan’ya. Ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko sa school, masyado daw “epal” si Ian, pero suportado naman nila ako kasi gusto naman talaga nila na humanap na ‘ko ng ibang mamahalin. Naaawa na daw sila na nagpapaka-martir ako sa’yo. Haha. Halos tuwing may pagkakataon eh sinasabi nila sa akin na mag-move on na daw ako. Eh ang lagi ko naming sinasabi  sa kanila eh pa’no akong magmo-move on kung ayaw ko naman? ‘Di kasi nila naiintindihan na hindi naman ako naghihintay ng kapalit galing sa’yo eh (bukod sa friendship na naibibigay mo naman). ‘Di nila naiintindihan na basta hayaan mo lang ako na mahalin kita eh solb na ‘ko.

Bakit nga ba kasi ayaw mo na mahalin kita eh hindi naman kita pinipilit na pansinin mo ‘yun? Kung ako ang tatanungin, ‘diba parang ang cool nga nun? Parang ang saya nung may nagmamahal sa’yo tapos pagkatapos ng halos apat na taon eh ganun parin ang nararamdaman nya para sa’yo. Siguro kasi iniisip mo na makakasakit ka ng damdamin kapag hinayaan mo na ganun. Alam mo, ang swerte mo nga eh, kasi ‘di mo na dapat problemahin pa ‘yun. Kasi, ako, kahit anong maging desisyon mo eh ‘di ako masasaktan. Instead, magiging masaya pa ako para sa’yo. Kasi matagal ko nang natanggap na ‘di na mangyayari ‘yung palagi kong hinihiling sa d’yos na ‘di ko naman pinapaniwalaan.

Siguro naman ngayon naiintindihan mo na kung ano lang talaga ang role ko sa buhay mo. ‘Di mo na siguro ipapagkait ‘yung pagkakaibigan na kaisa-isang bagay na matagal ko nang request sa’yo. Pero sa huli, sa’yo parin naman talaga ang desisyon eh. At s’yempre ako, bilang mahal kita, alam kong buong puso kong ibibigay sa’yo basta kagustuhan mo.

At kung hanggang ditto eh binabasa mo parin ‘tong walang saysay kong sulat, maraming salamat. Pero malamang sa malamang na ‘di ka na aabot sa part na ‘to kung saan sasabihin ko nanaman sa’yo na mahal na mahal kita na para bang hindi ko pa ‘to nasabi sa’yo kahit na kailan.

It’s me,

Tuesday

FTW???

January 17, 2012

05:54PM

Dear Apa,

How are you? If you’re going to ask me, I don’t really know what to tell you. My mind is really tired to even think about how I’m feeling right now. But I honestly think that it’s the best for now as I don’t really want to think of anything else. I’m just going to get depressed again if all those thoughts I’ve been trying to avoid manage to squeeze their ways into my consciousness. I just decided to write to you as I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I was supposed to be in Manila for the cheerleading competition this morning, but I quitted last night for some reason – yet another thing I don’t want to think about. And since I already quitted, I don’t have a choice but to stay here at home the whole freakin’ day while my twin, along with all our friends, is there to cheer for our college.

I spent most of my day just sleeping. Because I know that if I stayed up, I won’t find anything to busy my self with and I’ll definitely get really bored. So now that the sun is almost set and I’m finally up, I decided to write something to kill time. Not that writing to you is just killing my time, of course not! I missed writing to you to say all the things I feel. Maybe I’ll tell you about the things I don’t want to think about some other day, but not now. I’m too lazy for that. I’m too lazy to even get me some food to eat. I haven’t had anything to eat today, but I don’t feel hungry.

Hey Apa, I’ve been feeling so down since last week. I’ve got a fuckin’ bunch of problems and I’m wishing I could just die right now for escape. The other day, I thought of hanging my self to death but I felt really scared. So I didn’t. I’m not sure I’m not going to have the courage to finally do it the next time.

               

It’s me,

Tuesday

The beginning of another chapter of my not-so-picture-perfect-life-story.

January 09, 2012

11:14AM

Dear Apa,

Hey you! What's up?

It's been a long time since I last wrote to you and I really missed it doing so. It's not that I don't have stories to tell, matter of fact, I've got lots of them that I failed to tell you since I haven't been keeping in touch since November. I'm sorry for that, Apa.

It's 2012! Wow! It's another year! I'm planning on keeping my self happy this year for a change. But you know me, it's hard for me to do that. But at least now I have a reason to be happy. Ralph Jhonel came to see us after Christmas and it was the best Christmas gift ever. It's what I always wanted, you know that, right? On his birthday, I posted a greeting on his Facebook wall and he replied to say thanks and he apologized (I guess it was for he ignored me for a year). So on the day after Christmas, I sent him an SMS and tried if I can finally ask him to see us. Surprise! He replied and I actually didn't expect that. And so we planned to meet and the following night, he came. Man, was I so overjoyed! I could not believe my eyes, he was right there in front of me; the most beautiful thing my eyes ever laid on. After one crucial year and a month, I finally saw him again.

I don't know if I'm going to see him again soon. I just keep reminding my self that Ralph Jhonel is a busy person and I should not expect he's gonna see me every time I want to. As for now, I'm trying to content my self with the fact that I already had the chance to be with him again. And as much as I can, I'm trying not to forget how our last hug felt like so I can still remember how it was like being with him. It's going to be long before we see each other again, but I know that when that time comes, I'll know exactly how it's going to feel like to hug him again. Because I'm keeping it in my mind.

Since it's a new year, I'm planning to forget those letters I wrote to you last year because they're all about bitterness. I already had what I always wanted, I already had time to be with Ralph Jhonel. I guess this has to be a beginning of another chapter of my not-so-picture-perfect-life-story. Let's leave the old stories behind, because from now on, my story will start again. And it will go on and on and on....

it's me,

Tuesday

11 Months

November 26, 2011

02:31AM

Dear Apa,

Hi. I decided to write to kill my time. You see, I can't sleep and I don't even have anything to do right now. I already had like 2 cups of coffee and a dozen sticks of Marlboro, plus I already saw those free online movies and planning to see more. I just need something to do, just anything to keep me thinking about how lonely I feel tonight. I miss Ralph Jhonel terribly, especially now that I know for certain that we are not going to be like we were before. What makes things worse is that I can't help but to check on his Facebook wall every-so-often which just makes me miss him more. I just want to know what's going on about his life nowadays is all.

Earlier, I counted how many months already passed by without seeing him. It's been 11 months, would you believe? It's almost a year! Imagine how much I miss him right now. 11 months, yet it feels like millenniums since the last time we saw each other. Man, how did I ever managed to live those 11 months? How? There wasn't a word, or at least nothing that really mattered.

11 freakin' months! If I was other people, I probably have just gave up and forgot about Ralph Jhonel. But it's hard to let go of him! It's impossible for me to just throw cautions into space and get him off my consciousness. Ralph Jhonel is my life, for heaven's sake! I know it sounds cheesy and over-romanticized, but what can I do? It's the truth! There is no fuckin' way I can ever get him off my mind no matter how hard I try, you know that Apa, don't you? You saw me struggling for a little piece of attention from him. You heard every sob and saw every tears I cried. You read all the rants I wrote about how I desperately want him back. Now tell me, do I seem like I can ever forget about Ralph Jhonel?

I'm sorry I have to say all these to you when you don't even have anything to do with it. You know you're just the only one I confide in. You're the only one who never complain when I can talk about nothing but Ralph Jhonel. Maybe next time I can write to you about anything else. I just miss Ralph Jhonel is all.

it's me,

Tuesday

Small Talk

November 18, 2011

01:23AM

Dear Apa,

Hey you! What's up? How's life?

I've been meaning to write to you about Jhepmar's birthday bash. But now that I finally found time to write, it is also now that I don't know what to tell you. Ralph Jhonel didn't come to the party, I already knew he's not coming though. He already told me that he's not invited and I even told him that it's going to be impossible for him to come anyway since it was Tuesday and he's got to go to school the next day.

Yes Apa, we talked...

...a little!

Don't you think it's amazing? I was really, totally overjoyed that Ralph Jhonel talked to me before Jhepmar's birthday. It doesn't matter what we talked about or how long (err, short) it took, what really matters is that I finally got his attention. At least now I know that he knows I still exist. Or maybe it's better to say that at least now I know that he was just pretending all along not to notice I am here. I always knew he was avoiding me. And I would like to thank him for talking to me again, I needed it so badly.

I'm not certain about the future. Are we going to be okay again, or are we staying this way. I don't know if we're going to have a small talk again. But I know that I am going to look forward to it. I know I will be right here waiting still.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm moving on without you.

October 29, 2011

06:23AM

Dear Apa,


I think life's teaching me a lesson. Something I could pick up in the future... and I think I'm starting to learn. To learn how to live my life and do what I'm supposed to do. Although, at times, I wonder why am I put to such a test that is so difficult to the point that I failed miserably. But I guess every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes life's hard... okay, most of the times! We reach a junction and then whatever we choose will determine our destiny. I'm not sure whether my ending will be a happy ending but nevertheless, I've made a decision that I think I'll thank myself dearly in future. I want to believe in that.

In order to gain something, I have to give up another.

For the record, I'm moving on with my life! I'm not saying that I'm finally forgetting about Ralph Jhonel, that's the last thing I want to do. What I'm trying to say in this letter is that I'm finally learning to deal with life and everything that it gives me. I'm trying my best to accept the bitter truth that Ralph Jhonel is now just a part of my past and never will be a part of my future. I know people will walk in and out of our lives. But what we have are memories that no one can take away from our lives. I'll get better in time. I'll be a better person.

it's me,

Tuesday

You're My Wish Tonight

September 30, 2011
05:09AM

Dear Apa,

I just miss Ralph Jhonel. So much as a matter of fact. Especially now that it became more evident that we are not going to be friends again. It really hurts me everytime the thought of it sinks into my mind. The hardest part is not when he made me learn that I don't matter to him anymore, but the fact that he won't be here for anything else ever again.

You know what Apa, most of my friends keep telling me that I should already move on with my life without Ralph Jhonel. But I don't want to do that! How can I ever move on when I know for a fact that I'm going to be in love with him forever? It is going to be very hard for me to try to get him out of my mind because he's always in my heart. I am all Ralph Jhonel all the time. I talk about him and nothing else and if you want to know the truth, my friends are getting enough of it.

Hey Apa, do you think Ralph Jhonel is coming back again in the future? I really need somebody to tell me what they think about it.

it's me,
Tuesday

I'm Willing to Raise the White Flag

September 01. 2011
07:02AM

Dear Apa,

Good morning!

Hey, how have you been? My God! That's the exact thing I've been wanting to ask to Ralph Jhonel. But since he's not giving a damn about me anymore, I decide to just keep my mouth shut. I really, totally miss him, you know. And it always hurts me to see his Facebook wall posts especially when he seems to be happy. Not that I don't want him to be happy, God knows I'd do everything just to see him in his happiest. It's only that whenever he posts that way, it makes me realize that I'm the only one who's affected by the distance between us. It's more like his world continues to spin without me and I can't keep up with its revolution while my world stopped revolving since the day he went away. It's frustrating!

He recently was talking about romance and of course I can't help but to feel sorry for my self. I always knew that he's already found someone although he won't admit it. I'm really happy for him, Apa. I really am! Maybe I feel a bit hurt but it's just normal, isn't it? OK, I don't feel a bit hurt. It's worse! But no matter how hurt I am, it doesn't mean that I can't be happy for him. If it makes him happy then it can't be that bad.

I just don't see why he has to be this way. He don't want me to love him, so what? Does it have to mean we can't be friends anymore? More than anything, I want our friendship back. Why can't he see that? Why does he need to turn his back on me when all I just want is to keep the friendship we made three years ago?

I really want to talk to him about this but by the looks of it, it's impossible. I'm not even sure if he's going to quit ignoring me. Honestly, I'm tired of this set-up! And if I need to actually raise a white flag to surrender, I would. I miss him so bad. I would give up my life just to win our friendship back.

it's me,
Tuesday

Cloud Above My Head

August 28, 2011
08:35AM

Dear Apa,

Morning!

I decided to greet with just "morning" instead of "good morning" because it isn't really a good day for me. You see, I cried my self to sleep last night. And if you're thinking that it's about Ralph Jhonel again, then you're right.

I was meaning to write to you about this last night but I was too emotional and I knew that I'm just going to say mean things that I don't really mean to say. I was really mad at Ralph Jhonel and I was crying as if it's the last time I'm ever gonna cry. But as I wake up this morning, I realized that there isn't really anything to be angry about. I understand now!

But I don't plan on asking for another reconciliation. Ralph Jhonel don't want us to be friends anymore. Honestly, I don't know why I'm even writing to you about him when I don't want to think about him anymore. He was always mean to me. He hurt me so much. He won't give a damn about me. So why would I bother to spend time ranting about him?

I guess I should just stop writing now. I'm sorry Apa, I promise to find better things to say the next time I write.

it's me,
Tuesday

People Change

August 24, 2011

02:41AM

Dear Apa,

I just checked Ralph Jhonel's blog and found this image he reblogged 1 week ago. I had to cry to this, you know. I mean, it wasn't mentioned there whether the post was for me or for anyone else, but the fact that he posted it only proves that it is how he treats friends — even if they were best friends the year before. So maybe it makes everything clearer now. Maybe not crystal, but at least less muddled enough to reflect his true feelings. He wants everybody to know that people change. That he himself is changed. That he is not the person I once knew.

I felt so bad about it all of a sudden. There's really nothing I can do now to win our friendship back. It's the last thing I want to happen, Apa. But as the days drag on, it gets more frustrating than I can ever handle. I feel like I'm falling little by little into pieces and to be honest with you, I wish I could just die. How can he ever do this to me? I did nothing but love him and I didn't even asked him for anything in return. I contented my self with being just friends with him because I don't want to lose him. But still he's changed.

I wish I could tell him all these. But there's no way he's gonna give a damn. I wish I could ask of him to at least try to keep in touch with our friends. I don't want him to do to them what he did to me. I want them all to remain friends. I'm sure I'm going to be happy to see that. As for me, I will just watch them from a distance where I will try not to make any sound so I won't have to disturb them. I will just smile to my self because I know I'm going to see how they keep a strong friendship between each and everyone of them. I will try not to force my way into the scene, so that they could all forget I ever existed. They could live their lives without me.

I know I'm being too emotional. I know I might just be jumping into conclusions. But I don't know better, Apa. I'm hopeless!

People change. So I guess I should just change myself.

it's me (or is it still me?),
Tuesday

"Stand up and win!" — RJCG

August 23, 2011
04:18AM

Dear Apa,

I feel miserable right now. I'm sure you're not interested to know why, but since you don't have a choice, I'm going to tell you. I just want Ralph Jhonel back is all! It's not that I'm saying that he was mine for me to wish him back, I guess what I want is the friend I had to come back. You know Apa, I really want to talk to him and ask what the problem is but I'm afraid that he's just going to ignore me again and it will just make me feel hurt badly again. If you want to know the truth, I'm so sick of being hurt all the time. I haven't been crying for months but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I just know that there are things that can't be washed away by tears. If you are being treated as if you are the most unimportant person for someone you always wish to be someone special to, crying is never gonna make things better. So why would I waste my time crying if it won't even make any difference? I'm not going to lie to you, there are a friggin' lot of times that I feel the sudden need to cry (like right now), but I want to be strong so that I could manage to hold on to what I am trying to keep in my tight grip for a long time — our friendship. But it always breaks me to realize every single day that I am the only one who fights for it while he just enjoys it seeing me suffering this much. Ralph Jhonel is always so unfair to me. I never asked him to love me back because I know it's impossible. I just want him to be my friend for the last remaining days of my life. I try so hard to make wonderful memories but they always turn out to be the ugliest memories of my life. And the more I try to make things better, the more they become worse. Now Ralph Jhonel see me as a joke. But really, can a person in tears be a joke? Well maybe — just maybe — if you are Ralph Jhonel, it will be a joke for you.

I don't really know if we're going to be friends again. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, it wouldn't really matter if things aren't going to be the same again. What's going to matter would be the fact that I finally have him back. But who am I kidding? Ralph Jhonel changed so much. He's not going to feel bad about me feeling bad. He's not going to cry for me again when he see me cry again. Because I don't matter to him anymore. Because I'm not his friend anymore.

Hey Apa, I'm crying now. But I'm OK. At least Ralph Jhonel is not here to see it. At least he won't see that I am not as strong as what I've been trying to be.

But now I wonder, is it even going to matter to him if I'm strong or not?

I miss Ralph Jhonel so much. I want him to tell me, even for the last time, to stand up and win. I honestly need it now. Because at this point, I'm starting to want to give up the fight.

it's me,
Tuesday

Dear My Closest Friend

August 17, 2011
01:33AM

Hi there!

I know you're still awake, I see you keep posting tweets. I just felt like writing to you, you know. But I don't really have something to tell you. Maybe I just want to talk to someone. You see, I signed up for our college's newsletter team and I want to brag it to everybody. I didn't make it through yet, but I am pretty sure I will.

You know for certain that this is one of my dreams, right? That is why the first thing I did as I got home today was tell you the news. But you still won't reply. Tonight, I sent you another message asking if you could possibly quit ignoring me. I'm not anticipating for a response, of course I'm not! And I can't help but to feel sad about it again. I miss you. Honestly, I don't quite get it why you keep ignoring me. The last thing I remember was we were working on with your magazine and then nothing. Was it wrong helping you out when you need me? Most of the times I just wish you need me everytime so you won't have to keep distant. But I know that when you need me no more, I'm going to be nobody to you again. It always hurts me realizing that, but I just console my self by saying that at the very least, it was you! At least I had time for you, and you for me. Sad, but if that's the way it should always be, I should just always console my self by thinking positive.

Do you know that if you're going to give a damn about me even just once, it would really mean a lot to me? But since you're not doing that, I just had another realization; I don't mean anything to you, so why would you bother spending a little of your attention? I just miss you. After all, we used to be friends. Old friends talk to one another from time to time, don't they? I always envy those people who still talk to their friends after several years. Sometimes I just think to my self, was I never really a good friend? You told me that before, and now I find it hard to delete it from my memory. That is why I'm trying my best to be good enough. But now it seems too late. You're gone.

Dear Photskie, I know you are a busy person. So if you happen to still be reading this up to here, thank you very much. At least you gave me a little of your time and attention; the things I've been asking from you for months. I miss you. Take care. Don't forget.

it's me,
Tuesday

Three Years Ago

August 10, 2011
10:51AM

Dear Apa,

Hello there! I’m trying to cheer up upon writing this letter because my previous letters weren’t really happy letters, were they? And besides, I think I really need to force my self to cheer up since Monday night. You see, I tried to talk to Ralph Jhonel but he just ignored me for the nth time. I really should be used to it, but I just can’t help but to feel sorry for my self for feeling like I am always begging for a little attention which seems like I’m never going to have.

Ralph Jhonel, by the way, is the love of my life. But I was never his love though. But that’s alright. If there is one thing that I am used of right now, it’s the fact that he’s never going to give affection back. He isn’t even willing to give me his attention!

Anyway, I caught him online on Facebook Monday night but I didn’t really plan on bothering him for I know that he just won’t give a damn if I do. But one of my friends advised me that I should at least try to talk to Ralph Jhonel because we never know what could happen next. So I said “Zup?” just to get over with it. I told my friend how I was sure that Ralph Jhonel won’t give a response. My friend told me that she was going to send Ralph Jhonel a chat message to see if he’s going to respond; if he responds to her, then that means that he’s really ignoring me.

After a minute, a chat message came from my friend saying that Ralph Jhonel replied to her chat message. I was like “I told you!” at first but as soon as the thought gradually sinks in my mind, I felt hurt. So Ralph Jhonel isn’t really busy after all, he just don’t want to talk to me – me alone! He talks to everybody but me. My best friend, Jhepmar, confessed when we were at Nelson’s (our friend) house to have some drink that he had been talking to Ralph Jhonel on Facebook chat. But I didn’t really make it a big deal. And then, few nights ago, my twin, Frankie was chatting with Ralph Jhonel and I was even right here in front of this computer to see what they were talking about.

Ralph Jhonel talks to everyone but me! Great! How can I ever get used to it? Three years ago, he spent almost all evenings here at my house; sometimes I didn’t really have to ask him to come. Three years ago, we exchanged text messages 24/7. Three years ago, we had fights and misunderstandings but didn’t last this long. Three years ago, I felt really important. Three years ago, I was special. Three years ago, I had all the reasons to reminisce the previous days and make the most out of the present day and look forward to the next day. Three years ago, I didn’t have to miss him because we were always together. Three years ago, I was the happiest person in this planet. Because three years ago, we were friends.

I’m sorry I can’t really be a cheerful person. If you live my so-called life, you’ll understand. I am trying not to be sentimental in this letter, Apa. But everytime I talk about Ralph Jhonel, there’s no way I’m going to feel glad. I guess he contributed most of the bitterness in me.

I really do hope we can be friends again, but it seems like he don’t feel the same way. Most of the time, I just cry it over. But the hurt keeps on resurrecting itself. Honestly, I don’t know what to do when the time comes that we’re going to see each other again. He’s mad at me. The last thing I asked him was what I did wrong to him. As usual, he didn’t answer. Maybe because there’s really nothing I did at all. It’s either that, or I’m just unaware that the thing I actually did that made him hate me was loving him.

If so, then I guess he just have to hate me forever!

It’s me,

Tuesday

You're Beautiful

August 08, 2011
06:17AM

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Dear Apa,

Good morning! Guess what, I already found your Facebook account and I really feel so happy right now. I didn’t expect to find you, I didn’t realize it’s going to be that easy. Maybe I was really meant to find you, maybe even meant to have ridden on the same jeepney where you rode that fateful day. Now my smile just won’t fade – with James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” (covered by a girl named Sabrina) on repeat in my headset. I’m sure this song is going to be the soundtrack of my life from now on. Do you happen to know this song? It’s about falling in love with a stranger and never having an idea whether they’re going to meet again. So it’s going to be my song for you.

OMG! I’m starting to feel like Stan writing letters and dedicating songs to Eminem! LOL. But don’t freak out man, I’m not going to do the shit he did. After all, I don’t even really plan on obliging you to read these letters. Although I want to download your photos to keep in my mobile, I’m sure I’m even going to make one of them as my computer’s desktop wallpaper. But that should not mean that I’m obsessed or something. Let’s try to think that I’m a huge fan of yours.

This is somewhat true though, that I’m a fan. I knew by the moment that I saw you that you must be a musician. I have this natural talent to know if a person is in a band. Maybe it’s because I am a confessed frustrated rockstar and I love reading Pulp Magazine. I guess those are the major factors why I can tell if a person is in a rock band by just judging on the way he looks; the style, the attitude, the whole package. In your case, the goatee!

Anyway, I tried to write to you last night about this little catastrophe I am caught up in right now but I thought maybe it’s not a good thing to consult you about those kinds of matter now that we don’t even know each other yet. But really, if I suddenly feel like I want to spill my heart out, I’ll do the spiel. But for now, since I’m having a very good vibe, I want to keep it off my mind until this good vibe fades out. I’m kinda emo, you know. I can’t keep my self cheered up. If I feel glad and uplifted for a moment, I’d be totally quiet and feeling down the next. I am prone to sudden mood swings!

Hey Apa, I’m downloading your pictures right now. But if you think it’s not the right thing to do, just say something like, “Hey freak, leave my pictures alone!” and I’d be more than willing to delete them lots. I just want to keep them so that I can’t forget how you look like, but really, the choice is always yours since they’re your property.

I should go now. The sun is already up and I should get some sleep! I’ll write to you again!

It’s me,

Tuesday

If you happen to be Apa Aldaba and you read this…

August 06, 2011
05:26AM

Dear Apa,

I saw you yesterday. We were riding the same jeepney to Malolos City and then my life has changed in an instant. It was bizarre. And if you want to know the truth, I do realize that it sounds kind of creepy to you. You may think I’m psychotic, but I dare say it was love at first sight.

Now that’s insane, isn’t it? I don’t know how it feels like to get affection from someone you don’t even know at all, but I’m pretty sure that it will freak the hell out of you. Man, I’m so sorry about that! I don’t mean to be like some deranged stalker or something, I may be somewhat deranged but at least I’m not a stalker. Or at least not by now! I’m going to be honest to you, I plan on tracking you down; I could search for your name on Facebook or anywhere in the World Wide Web – internet is just so wonderful for this kind of stuff, don’t you think? But really, I don’t know what to do next. Should I talk to you? If I do, I’m not sure you’re just going to freak out and ignore me. But it’s the best thing I could think about at the moment. My semi-psychotic, wholly neurotic mind can’t seem to function well right now as I still don’t get me some sleep. I have been trying to memorize every single detail of your face the whole freaking night, kind of afraid that if I sleep, I’d wake up only to forget what you look like. I don’t want to misremember those cute little eyes. The ones that never looked my way and let me down. It was depressing! I was kind of hoping that you’d look at me, but you didn’t. But that’s okay! At least you failed to notice how I stared at you half the trip. It’s funny, we were just inches away and yet you were unaware that I had been watching you all along. Don’t you think I’m such a good stalker?

By the way, I want to thank you for your tattoo. If it wasn’t for it, I’m not going to know your name. I know it could be that it’s someone else’s name you have there inked on your forearm, but I sensed that the name is yours. I’ve seen a lot of guys with similar tattoos and it’s always their names they have on that area. Miggy Chavez has one. And Chito Miranda too. So I assumed what you have there is not anybody else’s name. But does it really matter if it is actually your name or not? I would want to call you Apa whether it is what you are actually called or not. I guess what’s important is that I can address you properly now that I am writing you this letter – and the next many letters I plan to write to you. I don’t want to talk to you like, “Dear You, whatever your name is” because it’s rude to talk that way. And the last thing I want to do is to be rude to you because I don’t want to get you upset.

Hey Apa, from now on, I’m going to write to you on regular basis, is that alright? I want to tell you things about me and my so-called life so that if you get to read these rants, you’re going to know me too. Let’s get to know each other!

Oh my God, this is ridiculous. What the hell am I thinking? Do I really think I’m going to have the chance to know you? Chances are I’m never even going to track you down or you are not really going to give a damn. Whatever! I’m still going to write to you, if it is any consolation.

It’s me,

Tuesday