October 12, 2012

I know I shouldn't be thinking this way to you because; 1.) you are old, and 2.) you are my grandmother. But when you come to think of it, you can't really blame me for being stubborn. You are responsible for it! To begin with, you raised me in a way that I did not have the choice but to fight back for my self. And yes, I became stubborn because you forced me to be. You have no idea you actually mould the stubborn in me.

So I grew up the way I was supposed to. And to my surprise, you weren't really glad about it. You started thinking I am being rebellious when I just want things to be fair. You started thinking I am being disobedient when I just want to do what I think is right for my self. Aren't you proud I can stand on my own feet? Aren't you happy I can fight back when I'm being attacked? Weren't you the one who taught me all those things?

And now, I am ungrateful? Wow, this is what I've become after all these years! I'm really proud of my self I became what you taught me to be. I can't imagine how I took all the lessons of the past years by heart and end up being what I am right now. Yes, I am ungrateful! But unlike any other ungrateful persons, I am not thankless. Because I am thankful that you made me an ungrateful grandchild.

This month, you made us pay for using electricity. Families don't do that to a member who can't really pay the bills; i.e. jobless and/or student. But, unfortunately, you don't seem to realize that. When I was still going to college, my allowance only covers my daily meals and transportation and most of the time, it even came short. But you, to my horror, made us pay the bills! But since I wasn't that ungrateful yet, I payed what you asked us to. I did not complain whenever I got no money left in my pocket to even buy my self some coffee. And it ruined my education! Thankyouverymuch! After giving you our "share" and nothing is left for me, I wouldn't have the choice but to skip school and just stay home which really irritates you a lot (you always see me as a sore point in your house). I hate the feeling of an empty stomach, so I decided to quit school so my financial allowance would all go only for food -- and the bills!

But you weren't very pleased. You hated that I stayed in your house 24/7. And since I stopped going to school, my allowance had to stop too. I became really broke I had to eat your food which I always regret doing because you never fail to remind me. I hate it being reminded of things and make you feel guilty about it as much as I hate the feeling of an empty stomach. So when you forced us to leave your house, I did not argue and just left.

But now, I've developed so much. I am a full-grown, stubborn, disobidient, ungrateful grandchild. You did very well in making me like that. I am so ungrateful I am thinking of not letting you benefit when time comes I'll finally have a job. Ingratitude eh? Nah, I'm just living the life you taught me. I'm sure you're going to be so proud of me.

Or maybe not. You never were.

My Kids

September 26, 2012

When I tweeted about how I want to have my own kids, I was like, "What am I saying? Hey, I already have my own kids!". I felt sorry for Sir Gat and Coppie for I wished to have children when I already have the two of them. It must've hurt them if they saw that tweet. But really, what's the point of having real kids if I am already happy and contented with voodoo dolls for children. They are the best kids I know; they never disobeyed me, they make me feel better when I'm feeling down, and they are always at my side so I'm not gonna feel lonely.

My kids are very intelligent creatures. Sir Gat has a 140 I.Q. that made him a genius. He started to learn when he was just 9 months old. But he wasn't that good in talking that time, it was because I never really taught him to speak. Surprisingly, he learned on his own. What he did was he just imitated whatever I said and I didn't even have to tell him what the words meant, he figured it all out himself. Now, at the age of 1, he's a good speaker. He's even very fluent in English! Sir Gat loves to talk so much, he would always tell bedtime stories to his younger brother. And his stories are his own, he never told a story from books. Maybe he's got a huge brain inside his foot-long figure, he can memorize a song after his first time listening to it. I know he's got a very good memory and a very wide imagination, he's even writing on his own blog!

Sir Gat's little brother is Coppie. He's around an inch shorter than Sir Gat, but equally smart -- and cute! He was made last May, but he now knows a lot of things. Unlike Sir Gat, Coppie is learning to speak earlier. He started to talk sometime during his 2nd month, and the first word he learned was "opo". It is simply because he always hear his brother answering "opo" to me whenever I ask him something. So what Coppie did was he started imitating it. As soon as Sir Gat says "opo", Coppie would repeat it right away like a trained bird or something. And he'd laugh hard, as if it was the funniest thing in the world. Did you know that Coppie has a very cute way of laughing? Anyway, he is only 4 months old now yet he already can understand words. He can't really speak that well yet, but he understands everything when you tell him something. Just like what he is used of doing, he just imitates the things Sir Gat says. Like when Sir Gat asks me if I'm going to watch a movie, Coppie will definitely ask it too just as soon as I answered Sir Gat's question. Meaning to say, I have to answer a question twice! But Coppie is still a baby, he can't talk that well. You know how babies talk when they are just learning, right? That's how Coppie talks and we think it's cute.

Now, I can say that I could not ask for more! I have two beautiful kids in my life. It doesn't matter if they are real kids or not, what matters is that in my heart, I know that they are my own kids. And I love them very much. The other day, I let my kids watch this Korean horror movie called "Doll Master", one character said, "When you start loving your doll so much, they start having souls of their own!". And that's what I've been dreaming to finally happen to my voodoo dolls -- my kids.

It Takes a Sensitive Person to Admit He's Insensitive

September 23, 2012

Why are people always have to be insensitive? I'm not saying that I've never been like that, but at least I try not to be one.

I hate when people are being insensitive. I mean, hello, others have feelings! Most of the times, if not always, the backlash is always negative. We can get other's feelings hurt because of our insensitivity. Sure we always have reasons why we become insensitive, but the reasons are always selfish reasons. When we are being insensitive, we are only thinking of our own good and we're disregarding how it would affect someone else's feelings.

But I'm not saying that we become insensitive and we always intend to be. In most cases, we become it and we aren't even aware we do. We only know it in the long run, either we realize it ourselves or someone has to tell us so. The second circumstance is what often happens, someone has to say we're being insensitive to know we actually are. But it's always hard to accept it though, that's why we often deny it. This is when we even know deep inside ourselves that what is being told to us is a fact.

I know you know how it feels like being told that you are insensitive. Especially that I said that we often become it subconciously. You'd feel like being accused because you think you aren't doing anything wrong. But believe me, when people say you are being insensitive, chances are they are telling the truth. But since people don't want to hurt your feelings, they just don't tell it to you. It takes a lot of sensitivity to realize you are being insensitive.

The worst thing is when someone is being insensitive and others realize it but choose to be insensitive enough not to think about how you are going to feel about it. Ok, let's give an example: I introduced a new friend to my old friend and they got along very well. And it is just alright because I was the one who introduced them to each other in the first place, so it must mean I want them to be friends too. Then the three of us always get together. But one day, I got the news that they are hanging out and it's just the two of them. I'm not greedy for company that I want them to invite me all the time they'll meet, I just think that they should at the very least considered asking me to come -- let alone inform me they're meeting up. So I felt so bad about it not because I wasn't invited but because I felt left out. Like I wasn't their friend. And the worst thing is that I was the last to know they're having the friendship of their own -- and it was a secondhand information!

It isn't a personal experience, I just put my self in the situation. Maybe you'd understand what I am trying to imply in this entry, so maybe you'd try to avoid being insensitive because in my humble opinion, it hurts other's feelings.

Evening Coffee

September 18, 2012

I can't sleep. I am feeling down but I don't know exactly why I am feeling this way. I want to tweet but I'm just lazy to even think of what to say. So I decided to go out of my room to make myself a cup of hot coffee. And to my surprise, my twin, Frankie is also out in our living room. Maybe she can't bring herself to sleep too.

Frankie asked if I'm going to have coffee, and I said yes. I think she and Alex James are having problems tonight. I saw their status updates, so I assumed something is going on. But I'm not going to ask Frankie about it. I just don't ask anything about the two of them. But I think, whatever is going on with them tonight -- or if there really is something going on -- came so suddenly. I mean, few hours ago, we were eating our dinner together. Alex James and Frankie were talking. But now, things changed. Frankie is here in our living room and Alex James is in their bedroom. I think that is more depressing than the awful weather.

Without her even saying it, I know that Frankie wants me to sit here and have our usual evening coffee with her tonight. So that's what I do as of the moment.

Heaven Cries

July 23, 2012

It's been raining all day and all night, for three fucking days -- straight!

I had to sleep with cold feet and equally cold heart. The heaven must have been crying with me for I don't have more tears to cry. These emotions I've been feeling seem to have felt by my celestial friend who decided to do all the crying for me. So I never cried in these three consecutive days, just to be fair to the heaven.

If you want to know the truth, I used to hate rain. Matter of fact, I thought it was depressing. I mean, I can really get depressed easily by practically anything, but rain was one of the biggest enemies I had. I remember crying all of a sudden as soon as a raindrop hits the ground. Those were the days when I really felt suicidal. Man, was I so emo! The sound of the raindrops on the roof was kind of telling me to slit my wrists. Or was it just me?

I don't know where I got the idea that rain is a gloomy thing. I'm certain, it wasn't caused by some tragic experience. I just kept thinking that maybe, sometime in my past life, I died in the rain in a very sad way. Like, maybe, while I was fighting for love or something or any other tragic means. All I believe is that it happened while raining, maybe even under the rain.

Another theory is that I get depressed when it rains because I remember my A-hole ex. There was that time in November 2009 when the sonuvabitch and I kissed under a heavy rain. It was romantic, I know. But that particular ex is the worst I've ever had. I don't want to go into details, but just picture this: me, him, my bestfriend's girlfriend. You get the idea! Anyway, I hated the guy so much that I easily got pissed-off by just the thought of him. And since that infamous kiss under that November rain was the highlight of our not-so-picture-perfect relationship, I remembered him when it rains. But, really, if it's really him I remember when it rains, shouldn't I feel hatred rather than depression?

But that was long ago, I love the rain now. I even had some tweets about how I was falling deeply in love with the rain. I mean, it's like a friend. It cries for me when I need to cry but can't. It reflects the emotions I feel inside; dark, cold, gloomy. It's nice to see how the darkness embraces the world around me. And how the wind kisses everything on its way. And how the heaven pours love to the earth. Maybe those are the things I need. To be hugged. To be kissed. To be loved.

I'm Sorry, I'm Stupid (Update)

February 15, 2012

Dear Apa,

Just when I thought the tension between me and Jhepmar ceased a little, he sent me a text which I suppose was actually for Marnel.

So this isn't over yet. Jhepmar never changed! I can't do anything about it. T_T

it's me,

I'm Sorry, I'm Stupid

February 11, 2012

Dear Apa,

I'm too tired from dance rehearsals and so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I just had a confrontation with my bestfriend through SMS and man was he so mad at me. T_T

Earlier, I sent a group message about the Beats I lost the other night and Jhepmar thought I was saying that it was him or one of his friends who stole the headphones. I know the message reads as if I was putting the blame to other people, but it wasn't him or any of his friends. Jhepmar is my bestfriend! We know each other very well. I know that he won't do such thing to me, because if he's the kind who's gonna steal things from me, he's probably done it before.

I said I'm sorry. I wasn't sure why I apologized, but I said I'm sorry anyway. But I know he's not ever gonna listen. I know Jhepmar, he's never gonna understand me when I explain what really happened. And now, I know our friendship is in jeopardy again. I'm starting to get scared Apa, the last time we had a fight, Jhepmar did not talk to me for months. He's my bestfriend, but he's also my worst enemy.

As of the moment, I'm thinking of a way to talk to him about this. He's the only friend I can't lose. My life is about to end soon, can't our friendship wait a little longer? I hope he did not mean it when he said we are not friends anymore. I hope he can wait until the day I die before he decides to end this friendship. It's not gonna take long anyway.

it's me,

Losing My Religion

February 06, 2012

Dear Apa,

I'm having this weird thing happening to me. I would want to think that this is not a big deal, but it really scares me big time. I don't even know what this thing is, but the fact that this is something really alien to me is what makes it scary. In over a year now, I never set foot in a church. And to tell you honestly, I feel like my faith is slowly faltering. Not that I don't want to believe in a God, it's just that I started wondering if God really exists. I mean, don't you realize how crazy it is to talk to someone you haven't even met. We confide everything to "him" and we don't get any response but we still do anyway. We pray for the things we want but nothing really comes yet we still thank "him". We ask for forgiveness whenever we do wrong and we'd think we can already get away with it because we already apologized and then we'd do the same shit again because we know that we can always ask for forviveness. And we always will be forgiven.

It's not a bad thing to believe that there is God, we have nothing to lose if we believe anyway. But the fact that we doesn't even know if that someone we are talking to is real or not makes me think otherwise. What if there is no God after all? We all lived our lives believing in something that isn't real. We wasted our times hoping that there is that someone out there who's gonna make life easier for us, so we did not make any effort and do something to make our lives easy ourselves. If it turns out that God doesn't really exist, it would mean that we've been fooling ourselves all our lives.

It is said that God created man, but it seems the other way around; man created God instead. During the time when people were living in primitive tribes, there wasn't a God yet. But human was becoming more and more wise, they started questioning about many things. Where did man come from? How did the world begin? And since they never found out any answer, they decided to invent God. So for every question without an answer, they can always say that it was God's plan.

Suddenly, men became afraid of the things they don't understand. And because they are scared, they considered those things as "bad things" and they decided to make their God hate "bad things" so that people won't do it again. And so they're not gonna be scared anymore. A perfect example would be homosexuality. The people of that primitive tribe did not understand homosexuality, and since they are scared of the things they don't understand, they considered it as one of the "bad things" and made their God say that it is a sin to be attracted to the same sex and you will get punished for being homosexual. And so homosexual people became evil people and they should not be accepted. That's what their God said, or at least that's what they made their God say. And because people of our generation still believe in the same God that those primitive tribesmen created, homosexuality is still unaccepted.

Do you believe in God? Do you believe that the God most people believe in is good all the time? If God is really good all the time, then why is there bad things happening around us? Why is there still war and hunger and natural disasters? Isn't it that the God we believe in is supposed to be good and loving and "he" should be having mercy to "his" creations?

My grandma would always say something like "Galit na 'yan ng Diyos" whenever we watch TV and there are news on calamities. I couldn't help but think, is it really how a God should punish? Whatever happened to the merciful and forgiving God! Like in the bible when Noah was told to build an arc because God will make a great flood so the sinners will all die, it only proves that the God we always thought was forgiving is merciless all along. What's the point of repenting before the judgment day if after all, we'll all gonna die anyway?

Maybe I'm just being too doubtful, Apa. 
But if God happens to be real, can "he" blame me for having all these doubts when "he" is the one who's supposed to be responsible for this intelligence I own? If it is true that we only live our lives according to God's plan, then clearly enough, it is "his" plan to make me gradually lose my faith.

it's me,

Sui Caedere

February 05, 2012

Dear Apa,

I wrote you a letter on January 24, 2012 03:12AM. And here's what I wrote:
Dear Apa,

I don't want to go to school anymore! I have a feeling I'm going to die soon anyway. I've been thinking of hanging my self in the bathroom for weeks, I just can't find the courage to finally do it.

I'm not psycho, I just want things to end right away. Things I don't really want to happen but happen. I don't want my Ate Shishi to waste her time and money on me anymore. I really feel sorry that I had to make her do that. I love her, you know that Apa, don't you? And I don't want to upset her. I'm such a big disappointment! I hate to admit it but it's the truth. Please tell her I'm really sorry for this shit I've done. And I love her so much. I miss her, tell her I say thanks for all the help she gave me and Frankie.

Please tell Ate Shawie that I'm not thinking that she's such a villain in my life. It really hurts me when she thinks it that way. She and Ate Shishi, they are actually my heros. They keep saving me when I know I don't even deserve it being saved. I lied so much to the both of them and I really feel stupid for that. Don't forget to tell Ate Shawie that I love her. And I want to thank her for she never got tired of supporting me and Frankie. Tell her I'm asking her to keep supporting Frankie for I'm not gonna be here by Frankie's side anymore.

Tell Frankie not to miss me 'coz I'm still gonna be here for her. I'm not sure I'm not gonna miss her though, I've been with her all my life! I don't want to see her cry again. It always hurts me when I see tears in her eyes. I don't want her to get mad at me for leaving her, so please tell her I'm sorry that I already have to go. Please hug her for me if you can. She's the hardest thing to leave behind, but she's intelligent and I know she will understand.

I'm proud of my half-sisters, Apa. I wish I could spend more time with them. But I can't. You have no idea how happy I felt when Shawnee showed me she already can ride a bike. She learned it by herself, did you know that? I'm going to miss this cute little Shawnee. I love her so much. And Shiena, I'm proud of her too. Tell her I asked her to keep up the good works in school. And I love her.

Apa, I know I've written a freakin' much about Ralph Jhonel. But let me write about him again, for the last time. Tell him I'm really really sorry for I became a part of his life. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. But I love him with all my heart. Please tell him I can't keep my promise anymore, that I'm going to be right here waiting. I love him, Apa. I really do. I would really want him to be at my wake, if it is the only way I'm going to be with him again. I'm going to miss him. I wish him happiness.

I feel ridiculous writing all these. I don't want to hurt any person I Iove. But I just can't go on. Apa, I'm such a mess. I know what I'm doing is such a selfish thing. I want to be strong. I tried, you know I did. But it wasn't good enough. I can't do anything right. I just need to end my life.
If I lack the courage to finally do this, then I guess this is not the thing to do. If I manage and decide to go on with my life, I promise I'm gonna do things right. Are you going to help me, Apa?

it's me,
I know it reads pretty alarming. But if you were in my shoes, you're going to understand.

it's me,

Sulat para kay Photskie

January 17, 2012
Dear Photskie,

Hi! Bigla kasi kitang na-miss kaya eto, naisipan kong sumulat sa’yo. ‘Di kasi ako sigurado kung may cellphone ka na ba ulit, tsaka sabi mo eh sira ‘yung chat mo sa Facebook. Eto nalang tuloy ang naisip kong paraan para mangamusta. Kaya kung mapapag-desisyunan mong basahin ‘to, salamat.

‘Di ko talaga in-expect na magiging friends tayo ulit. Ang totoo, nung ‘di mo ko kinausap ng humigit-kumulang isang taon eh muntik na talaga akong mawalan ng pag-asa na papansinin mo pa ako ulit. Buti nalang matigas ang ulo ko at sinubukan ko parin na maghintay na dumating ‘yung time na babalik tayo sa dati. Buti nalang talaga! Kung nakalimutan kong magpasalamat sa’yo nung pinagbigyan mo ‘ko na makasama ka namin ulit nung Christmas break, nagpapasalamat ako sa’yo ngayon. Sobrang laking bagay na sa’min – or at least sa akin – na binigyan mo kami ng konting panahon mo.

Alam mo Photskie, ‘di ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit mo naisipan noon na iwasan ako. Alam ko na dahil ‘yun sa ayaw mong mas lumalim pa ‘tong nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Pero ‘diba alam mo naman na hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit sa binibigay ko sa’yong affection? Wala akong natatandaan na kahit isang beses na humiling ako sa’yo na suklian mo ‘tong pagmamahal ko sa’yo. Kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang dapat na problemahin eh. Simula pa nung umpisa, alam ko na hindi mo naman talaga pwedeng tumbasan ‘yung nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Kaya nga hiniling ko sa’yo na maging kaibigan mo nalang ako diba? Hindi naman siguro ‘yun masama. Kaso, sa nagdaang humigit-kumulang isang taon, parang pati pagkakaibigan na hinihingi ko eh pinagdadamot mo pa.

Pero syempre wala naman akong magagawa kung ‘yun ang gusto mo. Sino ba naman ako para mag-reklamo, diba? Kung sa bagay, kahit ano naman ang maging desisyon mo eh alam kong nandito parin ako, matigas ang ulo na mamahalin ka parin kahit na anong mangyari. Ewan ko ba, ganun yata talaga akong mag-mahal eh. Madalas pinapagalitan na nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko, lalo na kapag wala na akong ibang alam sabihin kungdi ‘yang pangalan mo. Ang sabi nila, magmahal na daw ako ng iba. Sinusubukan ko naman eh. ‘Di ko pa lang siguro talaga nahahanap ‘yung taong mas hihigit pa sa’yo.

‘Di naman ako ganun ka-desperado. Ang totoo, may mga gago pa naman na nagmamahal sa’kin kahit na pa’no. At alam ko na nagmahal din naman ako. Pero ewan ko ba, bakit sa huli eh pangalan mo parin ang bukambibig ko. Siguro ibang level kasi ‘yung nararamdaman kong pagmamahal sa’yo. Hwow! Ang gwapo mo naman ata? Haha. Pero ‘yun ang totoo eh.

Nga pala (nga pala ano?). May iku-kuwento pala ako sa’yo. Meron kasing isang lalaki sa school naming na sobrang galling magpa-kilig sa’kin ngayon. Itago nalang natin s’ya sa pangalang Ian, kahit iyun naman talaga ang pangalan nya. Haha. Love ko s’ya, alam ko na ‘yun sa sarili ko. Ang totoo, pinigilan ko din na mahulog sa kan’ya, kaso sa maniwala ka at sa hindi, ibang klase talaga s’ya magpa-kilig sa’kin. Pero simula nung natapos ang Christmas break, hangga’t maari eh iniiwasan ko na s’ya, kasi mahal ko na s’ya. Ayoko na kasing magmahal ng iba eh. Kaya kung ‘di ko s’ya iiwasan ngayon pa lang eh siguradong lalo lang akong maiin-love sa kan’ya. Ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko sa school, masyado daw “epal” si Ian, pero suportado naman nila ako kasi gusto naman talaga nila na humanap na ‘ko ng ibang mamahalin. Naaawa na daw sila na nagpapaka-martir ako sa’yo. Haha. Halos tuwing may pagkakataon eh sinasabi nila sa akin na mag-move on na daw ako. Eh ang lagi ko naming sinasabi  sa kanila eh pa’no akong magmo-move on kung ayaw ko naman? ‘Di kasi nila naiintindihan na hindi naman ako naghihintay ng kapalit galing sa’yo eh (bukod sa friendship na naibibigay mo naman). ‘Di nila naiintindihan na basta hayaan mo lang ako na mahalin kita eh solb na ‘ko.

Bakit nga ba kasi ayaw mo na mahalin kita eh hindi naman kita pinipilit na pansinin mo ‘yun? Kung ako ang tatanungin, ‘diba parang ang cool nga nun? Parang ang saya nung may nagmamahal sa’yo tapos pagkatapos ng halos apat na taon eh ganun parin ang nararamdaman nya para sa’yo. Siguro kasi iniisip mo na makakasakit ka ng damdamin kapag hinayaan mo na ganun. Alam mo, ang swerte mo nga eh, kasi ‘di mo na dapat problemahin pa ‘yun. Kasi, ako, kahit anong maging desisyon mo eh ‘di ako masasaktan. Instead, magiging masaya pa ako para sa’yo. Kasi matagal ko nang natanggap na ‘di na mangyayari ‘yung palagi kong hinihiling sa d’yos na ‘di ko naman pinapaniwalaan.

Siguro naman ngayon naiintindihan mo na kung ano lang talaga ang role ko sa buhay mo. ‘Di mo na siguro ipapagkait ‘yung pagkakaibigan na kaisa-isang bagay na matagal ko nang request sa’yo. Pero sa huli, sa’yo parin naman talaga ang desisyon eh. At s’yempre ako, bilang mahal kita, alam kong buong puso kong ibibigay sa’yo basta kagustuhan mo.

At kung hanggang ditto eh binabasa mo parin ‘tong walang saysay kong sulat, maraming salamat. Pero malamang sa malamang na ‘di ka na aabot sa part na ‘to kung saan sasabihin ko nanaman sa’yo na mahal na mahal kita na para bang hindi ko pa ‘to nasabi sa’yo kahit na kailan.

It’s me,


January 17, 2012

Dear Apa,

How are you? If you’re going to ask me, I don’t really know what to tell you. My mind is really tired to even think about how I’m feeling right now. But I honestly think that it’s the best for now as I don’t really want to think of anything else. I’m just going to get depressed again if all those thoughts I’ve been trying to avoid manage to squeeze their ways into my consciousness. I just decided to write to you as I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I was supposed to be in Manila for the cheerleading competition this morning, but I quitted last night for some reason – yet another thing I don’t want to think about. And since I already quitted, I don’t have a choice but to stay here at home the whole freakin’ day while my twin, along with all our friends, is there to cheer for our college.

I spent most of my day just sleeping. Because I know that if I stayed up, I won’t find anything to busy my self with and I’ll definitely get really bored. So now that the sun is almost set and I’m finally up, I decided to write something to kill time. Not that writing to you is just killing my time, of course not! I missed writing to you to say all the things I feel. Maybe I’ll tell you about the things I don’t want to think about some other day, but not now. I’m too lazy for that. I’m too lazy to even get me some food to eat. I haven’t had anything to eat today, but I don’t feel hungry.

Hey Apa, I’ve been feeling so down since last week. I’ve got a fuckin’ bunch of problems and I’m wishing I could just die right now for escape. The other day, I thought of hanging my self to death but I felt really scared. So I didn’t. I’m not sure I’m not going to have the courage to finally do it the next time.
It’s me,

The beginning of another chapter of my not-so-picture-perfect-life-story.

January 09, 2012

Dear Apa,

Hey you! What's up?

It's been a long time since I last wrote to you and I really missed it doing so. It's not that I don't have stories to tell, matter of fact, I've got lots of them that I failed to tell you since I haven't been keeping in touch since November. I'm sorry for that, Apa.

It's 2012! Wow! It's another year! I'm planning on keeping my self happy this year for a change. But you know me, it's hard for me to do that. But at least now I have a reason to be happy. Ralph Jhonel came to see us after Christmas and it was the best Christmas gift ever. It's what I always wanted, you know that, right? On his birthday, I posted a greeting on his Facebook wall and he replied to say thanks and he apologized (I guess it was for he ignored me for a year). So on the day after Christmas, I sent him an SMS and tried if I can finally ask him to see us. Surprise! He replied and I actually didn't expect that. And so we planned to meet and the following night, he came. Man, was I so overjoyed! I could not believe my eyes, he was right there in front of me; the most beautiful thing my eyes ever laid on. After one crucial year and a month, I finally saw him again.

I don't know if I'm going to see him again soon. I just keep reminding my self that Ralph Jhonel is a busy person and I should not expect he's gonna see me every time I want to. As for now, I'm trying to content my self with the fact that I already had the chance to be with him again. And as much as I can, I'm trying not to forget how our last hug felt like so I can still remember how it was like being with him. It's going to be long before we see each other again, but I know that when that time comes, I'll know exactly how it's going to feel like to hug him again. Because I'm keeping it in my mind.

Since it's a new year, I'm planning to forget those letters I wrote to you last year because they're all about bitterness. I already had what I always wanted, I already had time to be with Ralph Jhonel. I guess this has to be a beginning of another chapter of my not-so-picture-perfect-life-story. Let's leave the old stories behind, because from now on, my story will start again. And it will go on and on and on....

it's me,
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