I'm happy now... sorta!

July 19, 2018

Dear Apa,

So I was a little too emotional on the previous letter because I guess I was missing Luke terribly. But days after I wrote that letter, Luke and I decided to see a movie together and catch up with everything in life. It's been so long since we last talked. The last time we saw each other was last month and he doesn't go online on Facebook that much and wouldn't respond to my texts either. But on July 12, we decided to meet up the following day and see Ant Man and The Wasp before he went back to Nueva Vizcaya.

For some reason, I woke up unusually early the day of our movie date. Maybe I was excited or did I just sleep too early the previous night? But I was supposed to buy Hot Wheels for my godson anyway, so I decided to go to the mall earlier than scheduled. At around 1PM, he came. We were at Starbucks for like an entire hour and man there was a lot of catching up that happened over my grande Green Tea Cream and his grande Americano. Our movie schedule was after some few hours so we had lots of time to spare and we went window shopping while continuously talking about random stuff like we used to.

I was glad we met that day. Everything felt like before, like nothing really changed. I want us to be that way forever.

Dinner at Pizza Hut courtesy of Frankie.

After the movie, we met up with Frankie because she invited us for dinner, her treat! Yay!

Since that day, I never felt lonely again. Even when Luke and I don't see each other that often anymore, at least I know that we are still the same bestfriends as before. He is in Nueva Vizcaya now and once he comes back to Manila, I'm going to ask him out again.

it's me,

This Is Where I'm At

July 09, 2018

Dear Apa,

I’m writing this letter trying to set up my mood with some music but when I checked on Frankie’s playlist on this laptop, nothing really suits what I’m actually feeling right now. The truth is, I don’t know what I should be listening to since I honestly don’t know for certain what I’m feeling. It’s been a while since I last wrote, and to be frank, I already forgot how I was feeling in the previous letter. I know it probably was about Luke, and that’s exactly why I seem to have forgotten the feeling. See it’s been a while since Luke suddenly vanished from my life. I mean, not entirely but he just went AWOL from work one day without a warning—just a stupid chat message saying that he can no longer continue on the day he stopped going to work. That day, I didn’t know what to do. I was never prepared to start my life without him, and to be honest, I thought I couldn’t make it. To picture my self at work without him saddened me. And when it happened, I was devastated. What dragged on and what I was painfully aware of was the fact that he never told me about his plans to quit his job. And I was supposed to be his bestfriend! I mean, I saw all the signs. Weeks before he left, he was already telling me about the job offering he got in Canada and that he never really plans on coming back home. I tried to be happy for him because who was I to complain, right?

Don’t get me wrong now, I really am happy for him. I believe I already said it a couple of times before. I know it was a dream-come-true for him and I don’t want to get in his way to pursuing it. I guess I just got hurt when he left without telling me. He could at least said he was never going to work again before he did so. I would have kept it a secret. I mean, Luke knows I am good at keeping his secrets. I never even told you one, to think that you are the one I always tell everything to. Now you might ask, why the hell am I telling you this now if I’m supposed to keep his secrets? Well, his reason for quitting his job is no longer a secret. Everyone knows about it now.

We met after a few days though, I think it was the 15th of June—two days before my birthday. We went to one of our friends’ house to secretly celebrate. “Secretly” because we didn’t tell anyone Luke was throwing a blowout for my birthday. It was just me, him and Cecil (the owner of the house we went to celebrate my birthday to). It was the only secret I told the others to just because they won’t stop asking me if I already talked to Luke after his infamous AWOL. I told everyone we were together that night because I supposed he wouldn’t mind.

I almost didn’t make it to work the following day. I guess I was too wasted that Luke had to let me sleep over at his house. He woke me up at 2PM because I believe I told him to. And I went to work with a terrible headache and no makeup on. And that was the last time I saw him.

Things rapidly went back to normal for everyone, they all seemed to have moved on instantly and went business as usual. And even when I couldn’t catch up, I had to pretend that everything’s alright, that I too had moved on. I didn’t think it was easy pretending but it helped that no one ever mentioned Luke’s name again, at least I didn’t have to talk about him anymore. But of course, I am my own worst enemy. I remember him in all I do at work because hey, I used to do all that with him every single day. It was his fault. I was fine being a loner all my life until he came along. After he quit his job, and after I was left with no one, I had to be a loner all over again. Not that I became greedy for attention or anything, truth is I actually wouldn’t want to be with anyone if it isn’t Luke. I’d rather stay antisocial again.

I had a conversation with Ronie (my previous trainer from my previous account) where I confessed about how I was feeling with all that happened. I know I already have you Apa. I know you’ve always been the one I tell everything to. But this time, I wanted someone who could actually tell me that everything’s gonna be alright. And Ronie gave me that assurance. Now he’s got one of my secrets which I hope he could keep. I mean, it isn’t really like a top secret or something. I’m not sure if this can even be considered a secret because I don’t really hide it, I just don’t tell people about it. And besides, Ronie said he knew I have a thing for Luke and that he thought Luke realizes it too which makes everything clear that this isn’t a secret after all. Anyway, after my conversation with Ronie, a weight had been lifted. It was a relief to have someone else know about how I really feel for Luke. At least now I don’t have to keep it to my self any more. But of course I’m not telling anyone else. It’s just between you, me and Ronie. I know I’m posting this letter to my blog and I’m risking this so-called secret to be unveiled for practically everyone on the internet to see and find out. But hey, no one really reads my blog. You don’t even read my blog Apa, and to think that my posts are letters intended for you to read. But to be fair with you, you don’t really know I’ve been writing you all these crap. But if in any chance you come across this blog and read all my letters, can you tell me if this is where I’m really at? Am I really so alone that the only person I confide on to doesn’t know he’s being confided on to? Am I this desperate for someone to listen—or read—about my not-so-picture-perfect life stories?

Well maybe I am desperate. I am desperate to tell the right people what I gotta tell them. Desperate enough to tell someone else I love him instead of telling that to Luke. I don’t want to stay this desperate Apa. But my life itself is already desperate enough. I am desperate in practically everything in life. I’m even desperate to look for a music that could perfectly match how I’m feeling upon starting this letter. So yeah, I guess this is where I’m at now.

it's me,

Crybaby 😭

April 19, 2018

Dear Apa,


So I really wanted to write to you last night when I got home but I was chatting with my bestfriend through Facebook Messenger the whole night and I totally lost track of time—before I knew it, it was already 5AM. See we just opened up with each other just like what bestfriends do.

Anyway, in the last two letters, I told you the sad news about him leaving for Canada. And yesterday, he just broke an even sadder news; he is planning to stay there for good.

Of course I tried to be happy for him. It's a dream-come-true for him after all. But deep inside I was screaming "WHYYYY?!". Haha! I wanted to cry but decided not to, because I was already tired of crying since the previous day. Yes, I cried at work. He was on a VL and I told my self that it would be like some "dry run" or something, to practice and get used to going to work without him. I cried because I missed him terribly. And to think it was just one day. What more if he's already gone for good?

I didn't tell my TL the truth why I cried—of course. I told him that I was just frustrated with my consecutive bad calls, which was really part of the reason why I cried like a baby. But the truth was I just realized how life would be like without my bestfriend. I couldn't even last a day without him.

Right now, I'm still trying to be happy for him. I have no choice anyway. Whether I like it or not, he is gonna leave one day. And who am I to stop him, right? Who am I to ruin his dreams? Maybe I should hate him for this, but really, I can never hate him for anything.

The best I can do now is to make the most out of the remaining days I could still be with him. I want to be the bestfriend he could never forget. And all I need to know is if I'm something he will be missing.

P.S. I will meet him later. We will be going to our friend's house 'coz it's her birthday. I hope we could meet up for some coffee before we head to the party.

it's me,

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

April 14, 2018

Dear Apa,

I know I should already be sleeping as I have work tomorrow, but I just feel like writing to you first because I've been feeling down and lonely—again. What's new, right?

Look, the more I don't wanna think about it, the more it tries to squeeze its way into my conciousness. I hate it. I mean, I know I shouldn't feel paranoid or anything but what drags on and what I am painfully aware of is the fact that my bestfriend is gonna leave for Canada in a few weeks. I know I should be happy for him. It was, after all, a dream-come-true for him. And if you wanna know the truth, I am really happy for him. But maybe, just maybe, the reason as to why I'm feeling kinda emotional about him leaving is the possibility that we will never be the same again when he comes back.

You can say that I'm just overthinking, but come to think of it, we were only bestfriends or friends or whatever for just a couple of months now. And to me, our foundation isn't that strong yet and it could easily be cracked and destroyed by the distance and the lack of communication.

Sure you must be thinking, "Hey, there's always Skype!" but do you really expect him to Skype me or whatever when he's already there, some 7 thousand miles away? We don't even chat that much in Facebook to begin with. And besides, I would just bore him when we talk via videochat 'coz you know me, I'm not good with conversation.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for my self Apa. Because now that I found my self a real bestfriend, it is also now that he needs to go. It's just two months, fine. But things can change in those two months. Things nowadays happen and change quickly. Just like how our friendship happened, it all happened too fast. Too fast that I now wonder if we actually really know each other. How can I be sure that we will still be friends after this? It's ridiculous to distrust him, but let's just try to be more realistic here. It feels like I am just exaggerating my place in his life.

You know me, I'm clingy and annoying and I get attached to people way too quickly and then I get paranoid and I think they hate me and then I get sad and lonely and my self esteem drops lower than it already is. Welcome to my life!

I'm sorry Apa if I'm always difficult. I'm crying now 'coz it frustrates me. What frustrates me is the fact that I will miss him but I don't wanna miss him. I want to act cool but inside, I'm really dying. I want to be his bestfriend but I won't even pass as a regular friend or whatever. I am hopeless.

Still, I wanna thank him for the memories even though they weren't so great.

it's me,

He's Leaving On A Jetplane

April 05, 2018

Dear Apa,

Look, for the first time since I started writing you letters, I tried to open this one with so much enthusiasm. But you know me, I always find ways for my heart to be miserably broken. And so I deleted five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter and started writing this one instead.

It's ridiculous, I know. 'Coz what I was actually supposed to tell you about was the exciting idea that I finally found a BFF! Would you believe that? It's fucking amazing, isn't it? And it's ironic 'coz the fact that someone actually doesn't mind my psychotic personality and chooses to be my friend should already make me jump up and down in total delight. I mean, finding my self a bestfriend should be considered as a miracle and we should be celebrating it. But look at me, dragging my self again into my vicious way of finding sadness out of the good stuff. Yes, I'm still an emo like that!

You can't blame me Apa. I woke up this afternoon to a Facebook chat from him. He sent me that crying smiley or whatever you may call it, and I knew right on that he wanted to tell me something. My first instinct was to ask what's wrong. And then he told me the news I was dreading to hear in the past two months or so.

Yes, I already know he's leaving on a jetplane because he told me about it—it was a secret I promised to keep. And the days after his revelation were the most crucial for me. I don't pray Apa, you know that. But since he told me he would be leaving one day, I prayed the same prayer every single day on my way to work, asking a god I don't even believe in, to make each day not the day he would finally break the news in my face. And for two months, I actually thought that my prayers were being heard.

I didn't want to respond to his chat message when he told me what was happening. My initial reaction was to freeze, staring at the tentative date he said he would be leaving. I felt like crying, but I'm supposed to be his friend right? I'm supposed to support him in everything he does. And I'm supposed to console him when he's feeling down because he's my bestfriend—regardless if he considers me as his bestfriend too or not. It's my job. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

It's been an hour now since he broke the saddest news, and my heart has been breaking since then. I know it will keep on breaking, little by little, until the day he would finally leave. By then my heart would already be shattered. And shattered as it may be, I know it would still be hurting.

Tell me, do you think I now have all the rights to delete five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter to write you this heartbreaking one? My life will never be happy Apa, just deal with it. I was doomed to eternal sadness. In real life, there's no such thing as forever. In real life, nothing lasts for long. In my life, there's just simply nothing. I am cursed to lose everything I have.

it's me,
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