Crybaby 😭

April 19, 2018

Dear Apa,


So I really wanted to write to you last night when I got home but I was chatting with my bestfriend through Facebook Messenger the whole night and I totally lost track of time—before I knew it, it was already 5AM. See we just opened up with each other just like what bestfriends do.

Anyway, in the last two letters, I told you the sad news about him leaving for Canada. And yesterday, he just broke an even sadder news; he is planning to stay there for good.

Of course I tried to be happy for him. It's a dream-come-true for him after all. But deep inside I was screaming "WHYYYY?!". Haha! I wanted to cry but decided not to, because I was already tired of crying since the previous day. Yes, I cried at work. He was on a VL and I told my self that it would be like some "dry run" or something, to practice and get used to going to work without him. I cried because I missed him terribly. And to think it was just one day. What more if he's already gone for good?

I didn't tell my TL the truth why I cried—of course. I told him that I was just frustrated with my consecutive bad calls, which was really part of the reason why I cried like a baby. But the truth was I just realized how life would be like without my bestfriend. I couldn't even last a day without him.

Right now, I'm still trying to be happy for him. I have no choice anyway. Whether I like it or not, he is gonna leave one day. And who am I to stop him, right? Who am I to ruin his dreams? Maybe I should hate him for this, but really, I can never hate him for anything.

The best I can do now is to make the most out of the remaining days I could still be with him. I want to be the bestfriend he could never forget. And all I need to know is if I'm something he will be missing.

P.S. I will meet him later. We will be going to our friend's house 'coz it's her birthday. I hope we could meet up for some coffee before we head to the party.

it's me,

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

April 14, 2018

Dear Apa,

I know I should already be sleeping as I have work tomorrow, but I just feel like writing to you first because I've been feeling down and lonely—again. What's new, right?

Look, the more I don't wanna think about it, the more it tries to squeeze its way into my conciousness. I hate it. I mean, I know I shouldn't feel paranoid or anything but what drags on and what I am painfully aware of is the fact that my bestfriend is gonna leave for Canada in a few weeks. I know I should be happy for him. It was, after all, a dream-come-true for him. And if you wanna know the truth, I am really happy for him. But maybe, just maybe, the reason as to why I'm feeling kinda emotional about him leaving is the possibility that we will never be the same again when he comes back.

You can say that I'm just overthinking, but come to think of it, we were only bestfriends or friends or whatever for just a couple of months now. And to me, our foundation isn't that strong yet and it could easily be cracked and destroyed by the distance and the lack of communication.

Sure you must be thinking, "Hey, there's always Skype!" but do you really expect him to Skype me or whatever when he's already there, some 7 thousand miles away? We don't even chat that much in Facebook to begin with. And besides, I would just bore him when we talk via videochat 'coz you know me, I'm not good with conversation.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for my self Apa. Because now that I found my self a real bestfriend, it is also now that he needs to go. It's just two months, fine. But things can change in those two months. Things nowadays happen and change quickly. Just like how our friendship happened, it all happened too fast. Too fast that I now wonder if we actually really know each other. How can I be sure that we will still be friends after this? It's ridiculous to distrust him, but let's just try to be more realistic here. It feels like I am just exaggerating my place in his life.

You know me, I'm clingy and annoying and I get attached to people way too quickly and then I get paranoid and I think they hate me and then I get sad and lonely and my self esteem drops lower than it already is. Welcome to my life!

I'm sorry Apa if I'm always difficult. I'm crying now 'coz it frustrates me. What frustrates me is the fact that I will miss him but I don't wanna miss him. I want to act cool but inside, I'm really dying. I want to be his bestfriend but I won't even pass as a regular friend or whatever. I am hopeless.

Still, I wanna thank him for the memories even though they weren't so great.

it's me,

He's Leaving On A Jetplane

April 05, 2018

Dear Apa,

Look, for the first time since I started writing you letters, I tried to open this one with so much enthusiasm. But you know me, I always find ways for my heart to be miserably broken. And so I deleted five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter and started writing this one instead.

It's ridiculous, I know. 'Coz what I was actually supposed to tell you about was the exciting idea that I finally found a BFF! Would you believe that? It's fucking amazing, isn't it? And it's ironic 'coz the fact that someone actually doesn't mind my psychotic personality and chooses to be my friend should already make me jump up and down in total delight. I mean, finding my self a bestfriend should be considered as a miracle and we should be celebrating it. But look at me, dragging my self again into my vicious way of finding sadness out of the good stuff. Yes, I'm still an emo like that!

You can't blame me Apa. I woke up this afternoon to a Facebook chat from him. He sent me that crying smiley or whatever you may call it, and I knew right on that he wanted to tell me something. My first instinct was to ask what's wrong. And then he told me the news I was dreading to hear in the past two months or so.

Yes, I already know he's leaving on a jetplane because he told me about it—it was a secret I promised to keep. And the days after his revelation were the most crucial for me. I don't pray Apa, you know that. But since he told me he would be leaving one day, I prayed the same prayer every single day on my way to work, asking a god I don't even believe in, to make each day not the day he would finally break the news in my face. And for two months, I actually thought that my prayers were being heard.

I didn't want to respond to his chat message when he told me what was happening. My initial reaction was to freeze, staring at the tentative date he said he would be leaving. I felt like crying, but I'm supposed to be his friend right? I'm supposed to support him in everything he does. And I'm supposed to console him when he's feeling down because he's my bestfriend—regardless if he considers me as his bestfriend too or not. It's my job. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

It's been an hour now since he broke the saddest news, and my heart has been breaking since then. I know it will keep on breaking, little by little, until the day he would finally leave. By then my heart would already be shattered. And shattered as it may be, I know it would still be hurting.

Tell me, do you think I now have all the rights to delete five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter to write you this heartbreaking one? My life will never be happy Apa, just deal with it. I was doomed to eternal sadness. In real life, there's no such thing as forever. In real life, nothing lasts for long. In my life, there's just simply nothing. I am cursed to lose everything I have.

it's me,


January 27, 2018

Dear Apa,

Hey! If you wanna know the truth, I picture you rolling your eyes on me while reading this letter. I know, I know! I promised I'd be writing to you more often. But didn't. Don't be mad, it doesn't mean I already forgot about you. Truth is, that's the last thing I'd do.

In the previous letter, I told you I was gonna write about Chris. I'm actually intending to start it now, but then I realized I really have nothing to say about him anymore. It's not like there isn't anything worth telling—there actually is an awful lot. It's just that I don't feel like I should write anything about him anymore as we already have our own separate lives now.

OK. I'm not saying that we had a life together or something or whatever, he was just a workmate who happened to be so damn hot is all. Yup, he was my ultimate crush. And I guess I was fortunate enough to get the kind of attention he gave me. I enjoyed it, to be honest. Nobody made me feel that special for a long time. We called each other "babe" and our friends were all happy for us, supporting our "ChrisTue" team-up all the way. And I was the happiest I can possibly be.

But at the end of the day, as soon as work was over, everything would come back to normal. I'd go home feeling as lonely as ever knowing that Chris would go home to his wife and kids. At the end of the day, as the skies went dark, the reality that we were only friends would become clearer. Truth hurts, reality bites. We were never more than friends. At the end of the day, I'd feel more "forever alone" than ever.

I know it reads like I wanted to be with him. Newsflash, I never did. He was my dream guy, that's for sure, but his wife is also one of my dearest friends. And his kids are so beatiful, I wanted to volunteer to be their godmother. I am happy for him for having his own wonderful family. And everything we had—if there's even any—was all just for fun.

Am I hurt? Nah! Just feeling a little bit bittersweet maybe. I don't feel sad that what we were doing was all pretend, I guess the saddest thing about all of it was the fact that I would never really have anyone to make me happy. That at the end of the day, I was just fooling myself.

I know I said I have nothing to write about Chris, but look at me, uncontrollably typing words that mean nothing else but him. My body seems to already know our "love story" that there isn't a need for a push or anything to tell it to you or to anybody else. If you wanna know the truth, Chris is already a part of me. He already had his special place in my heart where I would keep him forever.

it's me,

Sayonara GDS/Team Marya

October 19, 2017

Dear Apa,

OK. First of all, let me apologize for I didn’t write to you in the last 11 months. I’m apologizing but I know you’d understand, you always do! And even when you’re never gonna require me to explain, something tells me that I still owe you an explanation. Well, the reason is—I know you probably already know this—that I am a lazy person. Too lazy to write to you. And I’m sorry.

But if you’re going to think of it, maybe it’s even a good thing that I didn’t write you any letter in the past months ‘coz usually, I only write when I’m feeling depressed about anything. Maybe I was never depressed for almost a year.

Anyway, now that I’m writing to you again doesn’t mean that I’m depressed again. Maybe feeling a little sad but not depressed. Actually, it’s a bitter-sweet feeling. Isn’t separation anxiety supposed to feel this way?

Yes, you read it right. I’m going through SepAnx once again. I got the sack from my employer—let us groan to that. Losing this job was really a nightmare. Not because I was very much devoted to it, I mean, I never was devoted to any job, but because I know that I’m gonna miss the people I worked with. My team mates were like my family, no kidding. I never worked with people like them before. Every single one of them already found their own spaces in my heart. It may sound cheesy but hey, what can I do, that’s the truth.

I’m sure having them as my team mates was one of the biggest factors why I didn’t feel depressed and didn’t write to you for 11 months. Honestly, I don’t remember a time when I felt sad about anything with them. Especially with Chris, but I guess the story about him deserves a separate letter dedicated entirely to my memories of him.

And guess what, I finally had a TL that was never a pain in the ass. TL Marya is by far the best TL I had. And ofcourse I will tell you more about her next time.

For now, I just wanna let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you Apa. You’re the only person I can confide in who would never complain. ‘Coz you have no choice! LOL. I’m gonna try to be less lazy and write to you more often now. I missed doing this. I missed you!

it's me,
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