House of Giray

November  20, 2016

Dear Apa,

Hey! I'm really sorry I wasn't writing to update you these past few months, I was busy with my new job. You read it right, I'm working again. Yay! I started working for another contact center in UP Ayala-TechnoHub just a month ago and guess what, I have new friends!

I was actually supposed to be part of Frankie's wave but I guess I was fortunate enough to start training a week later 'coz I found a new family with my wave mates and our trainer. You know me, I can be a little too introvert. But surprisingly, I got along with them lot right away. I mean, I know I still need to work on with my socializing skills—or my intra-personal skills or whatever you may call it—but at least I'm trying.

These are my wave mates.

Last week, we (Nadine, Mark, Hero, CJ, Nico, Paul, our trainer JJ and me) went to SM Marikina to celebrate Nadine's birthday at Vikings and man, it was fun. I was kind of holding back at first (you know me, I'm not really confident of my self), but as soon as I got comfortable with all of them around, I started letting them know who I really am. I was really really proud of being my self that night. Especially when we were at the karaoke place to drink and party. It was one epic night and I was the star of the night. Haha. They loved me! I was never that happy.

L-R: JJ (our trainer), CJ, Paul, Nico, Mark, Hero, Nadine and me.

A week after (it was last Friday), they invited me again for another drinking session. And of course I won't say no! This time, we were with more mates from my wave. I knew it was gonna be awesome. We went to CJ's place in Novaliches and we drank brandy and I was fucking wasted I slept at the terrace, would you believe that? Haha. That was such an experience.

At CJ's house - November 18, 2016.

But does it matter if I got totally drunk to the point where I actually gave a dude a lap dance? Is it a big deal if I was left to sleep outside the house? HELL NO! None of them matters, because what really matters is that I had an awesome time and that I have a bunch of friends now. And I know that you are happy for me Apa.

But I'm still kind of insecure about my self though. I'm not sure my mouth wouldn't be shut tighter than a clam's shell tomorrow at work. It's not them, it's me. I'm always my own worst enemy.

it's me,

High Five

August  08, 2016

Dear Apa,

Hey, it's August 8! Guess what, five years ago, I found you on Facebook! You read it right, it's been five years since I started writing to you. Five years and you still have no idea that someone like me exists and writes you letters.

Let's go back in time. It was actually August 5 when I rode a jeepney with you. And from that day on, I kept thinking about you. So I decided to find you on Facebook (thanks to the tattoo on your arm, I knew what your name is). And on August 8, after some profile searches, I finally found you. And I started writing you letters since.

Nothing has changed since the last five years Apa, you're still my most reliable friend. I still don't care if you won't respond to my letters, let alone read them. As long as I still have stories to tell, I will keep telling them to you. Even when I know that the story of my life will never interest you.

Thanks for being there!

it's me,

Summer Forever

March 21, 2016

Dear Apa,

Hey there!

My body is currently at a state of extreme tiredness and my muscles are aching. But that's okay, because the reason for that is FUN!

We went swimming yesterday! Yay!

Here's a video of me, Frankie and Abbey on our way to Calumpit, Bulacan.

I had so much fun, although I planned on forgetting about JC even for just a day but I didn't manage. Ugh! He was on my mind all day, but yeah, I still enjoyed our getaway because I was with my sisters.

it's me,


March 13, 2016

Dear Apa,

Okay, I know this is gonna be a news for you because 1.) You know me, I was never really the friendly kind, and 2.) This is the first time I've felt some sort of separation anxiety. I didn't think I'd be having this feeling. To start with, I don't have feelings—or so I thought. And besides, I should already be immune to being left behind by the people I care about.

Last Friday, we finally graduated from our Learning Lab. And the thought of having to go on our own separate ways makes me really sad. It's depressing. I can't believe it's over now. Those friends—the "Tough Ten", as I secretly call our wave (or what's left of it, at least)—and our TL and SMEs are people who really matter to me. Can you believe it Apa? I made friends! You see, I'm no longer anti-social (just anti-Christ. LOL). But when I already started getting closer to them, it is also when I need to let them go.

Maybe that's really how it goes in this industry, people just come and go. It might be depressing but I guess I just have to deal with it. Maybe, at the back of my mind, what I really worry about is how I'm gonna start over again. I'm gonna meet a new set of people from my new team, but are they gonna be like the Tough Ten? Are they gonna be my friends too? It's ridiculous to compare these two sets of people—or anyone else for that matter—but I guess, what I'm trying to tell you is that it's not everyday that I make friends. It's not everyday that I meet people like the Tough Ten. They made a mark in my heart, and it's too prominent enough that it won't be easy to erase.

I know you must be thinking "Give your new team mates a chance to make friends with you". I know you wanna say it 'coz you're kind like that. Okay. I'll try. But if it didn't work, I promise I'll be fine. Because at the end of the day, I'll still be having you Apa. You're the only friend who will never ever leave me. That I am sure about.

it's me,

The White Light, The Prism and The Spectrum

March 07, 2016

Dear Apa,

I feel really gloomy. I just wrote a letter for JC and it's sad to know that I'm gonna have to let him go. Man, is my life ever gonna change? I've been writing you letters for many years now yet I'm still confiding nothing but how desperate I am. I am so hopeless. I think I'm just gonna die like this.

Anyway, here's what I wrote for him:

March 07, 2016


Okay. I honestly don't know how to start with this letter because, to begin with, I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. I guess my fingers are just itching to type anything and you are all I've been thinking of the whole day. I have nothing to say. Or at least nothing at the moment. But since I already started writing, I know my mind will bring up something relevant to talk about.

I know I've never been like a best friend to you, given the fact that we've only known each other for two months. If it only was long enough, maybe I've made an adequate effort to be the best. But there is no such thing as forever—this friendship has to end sooner or later. So let me make the most out of this letter and tell you what I have to say, before it's too late.

To Alas: You!!! You're the reason why I fell in love in the first place. Why did you have to be such a pain in the ass? And how the hell did you know that I'm gonna get attracted to Joven when he is being a brat? But thank you very much. If it wasn't for you, I'm never gonna notice him. Remember that time when I sat beside him in process training? You were always around. That was the time I stared to his face for the first time, thinking how interesting he was. It was crazy, if you wanna know the truth. Crazy in the sense that I got attracted to Joven for being masungit like that. "Alas!", I'd always scream in my head. But the more you hate, the more you start learning to love. And you won, congratulations. I couldn't stop thinking of him since. Whatever you did, it was a job well done.

To Denton: Hey there charming one. I really appreciate how you make Joven happy sometimes. And seeing him happy makes me float in the air like a ball of fluffy cloud. If I only like cherubins, I'd consider you one. Thank you for showing up when I need to see you. You are my drug, and I love the high you bring. If I was a Buddhist, I'd say it was nirvana. But how come you seldom show up? Joven needs you more than anyone else. He needs to be happy all the time because that way, he influences a lot of people to be happy too.

I know you'd stick around even when I'm already gone. Until then I'm gonna be relieved to know he still manages to be happy. I know Joven and I are not gonna be friends anymore, so I'm leaving him for you to look after. Keep him happy. I'd still wanna see him like that.

To Ose: You are very clever. And why am I not surprised? You are not gonna be called a demon for nothing. And if only I don't bow my head to the masters of hell, I'm sure I'm hating you right now. I wanted to get rid of you, to scream for you to go back to the burning pits of hell, to be engulfed by the flames and to rot slowly and brutally. But you're gonna like that, don't you? And I'm sure you'd be waiting for me to come home to our kingdom—arms wide open, a menacing smile on your face. Don't you worry my friend, I'll see you there.

To Major: Hello stranger. It's nice to finally see you. I almost thought you don't exist, but who am I kidding? Right? Why did I ever think Joven doesn't have you in him? I am such a fool.

But thank you for introducing your self. I appreciate that you showed up sooner, before I get caught up in a disastrous tangle and can't escape. But to be honest with you, it hurt me when I met you. I cried, if you wanna know the truth. I felt terribly sad to learn that my game is over. I am ashamed. Too ashamed to look you in the eye, let alone hold my head up. I'm sorry. I mean it. If I could only take back what I told Joven, I'd do everything to take it back. But I love him, so much as a matter of fact. But it ends there. I'm never gonna tell him that again—because I don't have the rights. Thank you for making me realize that.

To Joven: Look, I'm really sorry I called you a lot of different names. But keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything. If there's someone insane enough, it's me. It's me who is always coming up with a lot of stupid, schizophrenic ideas. I'm a freak like that. So you can just keep away from me.

In Physics class back in high school, we were taught about the Dispersion of Light. A white light remains a white light until it passes through a prism, and that's only when it's gonna be dispersed into a spectrum. That's how our so-called "friendship" goes. You are the white light, and I am the prism. It is only me who is bringing out your spectrum of different personalities with different names. It's all my fault. And I'm sorry.

Now, come to think of it. What would happen if you take the prism out of the way? The spectrum will be gone. And the ray of light will continue travelling as a white light. So let's take me—your prism—out of the equation so you could be just the white light you really are. If there's no more prism, there's only a white light. If there's no more Tuesday, there's only Joven. Just you alone. I promise I'm never gonna call you by any other name anymore.


I'm sorry if all these things don't make any sense. I told you I really have nothing to say. But if you're still reading this letter up to this point, thank you. It makes me feel like I matter.

P.S. Do you think it's possible for us to just forget what I confessed to you? I'm taking it back. Sorry.

it's me,

I'm not sure if he's gonna read it though. But does it matter? I guess what matters now is the fact that I'm gonna be out of his way. I know it's hard to deal with the deranged and psychopathic me. And I don't want him to think that I'll be sticking around like a clingy, obsessed asshole. But I love him, Apa. I really fucking do. The only reason why I want to distance from him is because I don't want him to deal with me anymore. I can be too depressed, you know. And I'm not sure I'm not gonna start harming my self again if this stupid feeling grows deeper. I love him, but I want to keep it like that. I know my ground right now, and if I stay in his life, I might need more. I'm so tired of needing. I'm so fucking tired of loving someone who doesn't give a shit. And keeping a distance between us is preventing my self to love him more. That way, the hurt won't grow more unbearable.

I'm going to sleep now. Soon I'll be telling you a happy story. Or maybe not. My life will never be happy.

it's me,
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