The White Light, The Prism and The Spectrum

March 07, 2016

07:59AM

Dear Apa,

I feel really gloomy. I just wrote a letter for JC and it's sad to know that I'm gonna have to let him go. Man, is my life ever gonna change? I've been writing you letters for many years now yet I'm still confiding nothing but how desperate I am. I am so hopeless. I think I'm just gonna die like this.

Anyway, here's what I wrote for him:

March 07, 2016

02:28AM

Joven,

Okay. I honestly don't know how to start with this letter because, to begin with, I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. I guess my fingers are just itching to type anything and you are all I've been thinking of the whole day. I have nothing to say. Or at least nothing at the moment. But since I already started writing, I know my mind will bring up something relevant to talk about.

I know I've never been like a best friend to you, given the fact that we've only known each other for two months. If it only was long enough, maybe I've made an adequate effort to be the best. But there is no such thing as forever—this friendship has to end sooner or later. So let me make the most out of this letter and tell you what I have to say, before it's too late.

To Alas: You!!! You're the reason why I fell in love in the first place. Why did you have to be such a pain in the ass? And how the hell did you know that I'm gonna get attracted to Joven when he is being a brat? But thank you very much. If it wasn't for you, I'm never gonna notice him. Remember that time when I sat beside him in process training? You were always around. That was the time I stared to his face for the first time, thinking how interesting he was. It was crazy, if you wanna know the truth. Crazy in the sense that I got attracted to Joven for being masungit like that. "Alas!", I'd always scream in my head. But the more you hate, the more you start learning to love. And you won, congratulations. I couldn't stop thinking of him since. Whatever you did, it was a job well done.

To Denton: Hey there charming one. I really appreciate how you make Joven happy sometimes. And seeing him happy makes me float in the air like a ball of fluffy cloud. If I only like cherubins, I'd consider you one. Thank you for showing up when I need to see you. You are my drug, and I love the high you bring. If I was a Buddhist, I'd say it was nirvana. But how come you seldom show up? Joven needs you more than anyone else. He needs to be happy all the time because that way, he influences a lot of people to be happy too.

I know you'd stick around even when I'm already gone. Until then I'm gonna be relieved to know he still manages to be happy. I know Joven and I are not gonna be friends anymore, so I'm leaving him for you to look after. Keep him happy. I'd still wanna see him like that.

To Ose: You are very clever. And why am I not surprised? You are not gonna be called a demon for nothing. And if only I don't bow my head to the masters of hell, I'm sure I'm hating you right now. I wanted to get rid of you, to scream for you to go back to the burning pits of hell, to be engulfed by the flames and to rot slowly and brutally. But you're gonna like that, don't you? And I'm sure you'd be waiting for me to come home to our kingdom—arms wide open, a menacing smile on your face. Don't you worry my friend, I'll see you there.

To Major: Hello stranger. It's nice to finally see you. I almost thought you don't exist, but who am I kidding? Right? Why did I ever think Joven doesn't have you in him? I am such a fool.

But thank you for introducing your self. I appreciate that you showed up sooner, before I get caught up in a disastrous tangle and can't escape. But to be honest with you, it hurt me when I met you. I cried, if you wanna know the truth. I felt terribly sad to learn that my game is over. I am ashamed. Too ashamed to look you in the eye, let alone hold my head up. I'm sorry. I mean it. If I could only take back what I told Joven, I'd do everything to take it back. But I love him, so much as a matter of fact. But it ends there. I'm never gonna tell him that again—because I don't have the rights. Thank you for making me realize that.

To Joven: Look, I'm really sorry I called you a lot of different names. But keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything. If there's someone insane enough, it's me. It's me who is always coming up with a lot of stupid, schizophrenic ideas. I'm a freak like that. So you can just keep away from me.

In Physics class back in high school, we were taught about the Dispersion of Light. A white light remains a white light until it passes through a prism, and that's only when it's gonna be dispersed into a spectrum. That's how our so-called "friendship" goes. You are the white light, and I am the prism. It is only me who is bringing out your spectrum of different personalities with different names. It's all my fault. And I'm sorry.

Now, come to think of it. What would happen if you take the prism out of the way? The spectrum will be gone. And the ray of light will continue travelling as a white light. So let's take me—your prism—out of the equation so you could be just the white light you really are. If there's no more prism, there's only a white light. If there's no more Tuesday, there's only Joven. Just you alone. I promise I'm never gonna call you by any other name anymore.

***

I'm sorry if all these things don't make any sense. I told you I really have nothing to say. But if you're still reading this letter up to this point, thank you. It makes me feel like I matter.

P.S. Do you think it's possible for us to just forget what I confessed to you? I'm taking it back. Sorry.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm not sure if he's gonna read it though. But does it matter? I guess what matters now is the fact that I'm gonna be out of his way. I know it's hard to deal with the deranged and psychopathic me. And I don't want him to think that I'll be sticking around like a clingy, obsessed asshole. But I love him, Apa. I really fucking do. The only reason why I want to distance from him is because I don't want him to deal with me anymore. I can be too depressed, you know. And I'm not sure I'm not gonna start harming my self again if this stupid feeling grows deeper. I love him, but I want to keep it like that. I know my ground right now, and if I stay in his life, I might need more. I'm so tired of needing. I'm so fucking tired of loving someone who doesn't give a shit. And keeping a distance between us is preventing my self to love him more. That way, the hurt won't grow more unbearable.

I'm going to sleep now. Soon I'll be telling you a happy story. Or maybe not. My life will never be happy.

it's me,

Tuesday