S.O.S.

July 13, 2021

03:30AM

Dear Apa,

Hi!

I know I didn't write for almost two years. But I also know you understand. I only write to you when I feel sad, right? And for almost two years, I was happy. Or at least for the most part of it. So, am I sorry that I didn't write to you for a long time? Not really.

You guessed it right, I was happy because of Chad—the guy I was talking about in my last letter. But you probably are thinking "so why are you writing now?". Well, I'm sad now, OK.

In fact I was sad for over a month now. Actually, the better word to describe me now is depressed. I mean, I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression or whatever but I know there's something wrong with me right now. I'm not ashamed to admit it because I want to fix it before it gets worse. I need help Apa! I need to deal with this asap. Weeks before my birthday, I had a consistent suicidal thoughts. I was really determined to hang myself on my birthday and it was scary that I even thought of that. But it was a strong urge. What's even scarier is the fact that everytime I was having those thoughts, it feels just OK. Like it's what I have to do.

It's like having a switch you know. One moment I am so much willing to end my life and then it turns off and I become terrified that I was even thinking of it. For weeks, I struggled to keep my switch off. I fought it from turning back on atleast until my birthday is over. And obviously, I succeeded. It was such a relief when I made it through my birthday without harming myself. And I was OK for a couple of days. I decided to deactivate my Facebook account because I knew it contributes a lot with how I'm feeling. I hate to admit it but I think Chad is the major factor why I get sad everyday. Every single day, I open my messenger, waiting for his messages when I knew that no message was ever gonna come at all. And it makes me sad.

I called to greet him on his birthday and I was really happy that I got to talk to him again. And we talked about what was going on between us and we reconciled and all and everything was kinda sorted out. He confessed he already has a girlfriend. I knew it was gonna come, I was just not prepared how it was gonna hurt. It hurt like hell. But I said I was happy for him. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him. Maybe I'm just sorry for myself.

I reactivated my Facebook after we talked because I honestly thought I was OK. Until tonight, he finally changed his relationship status and it's only now I realized I wasn't "fixed" after all. I sent him a message admitting I'm not yet OK. And then I deactivated my Facebook again.

I decided to write to you because I know that I have to pour this out of my chest before it becomes heavy and serious. I know that in the next couple of days, my switch will turn on again. And telling someone about how I'm feeling maybe a good idea for now instead of keeping it to myself. Maybe—just maybe—it will help lessen the thoughts I dread thinking about.

Please note that I told people about what I'm going through. I told Joven and Neil and Frankie about my suicidal ideations. I also tried to tell Shiena about it through messenger but I decided to unsend the message coz I don't want to worry them. I just decided to tell this to you too because, I don't know, I just feel comfortable telling you everything.

it's me,

Tuesday

Those Three Words

November 23, 2019

08:27AM

Dear Apa,

I've been saying it a lot in my mind lately. But those three words are the last words I'd like to tell Chad. At least not now. Not anytime soon. It's not that I don't mean it. Maybe I'm just not sure yet whether I really feel this way or not. And besides, I told him at the start that I will not love him more than just a friend. And I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying those damn words. It happened an awful lot of times in the past, I won't let it happen again this time. Not with our friendship.

My favorite photo of us, taken on November 9, 2019

I really don't think I deserve someone like him. He's just too good for me. I don't think I did something good in my life to deserve something beautiful. He's the nicest human being I've ever encountered and I am just a pathetic, desperate emo girl. He deserves real happiness, like what I've been trying to give him. What I deserve is sadness, and that's what I'm used to anyway. It makes me sad realizing all these. But that's the reality. Let's not sugarcoat things just to make it look all better. My life is doomed and I am hopeless. I am really bound to be forever alone.

One day, I know I'll be able to gather all the courage to come up to him and tell him those three words. I just don't want to do it now. I want to stay friends with him. Forever. And I know that confessing will jeopardize this awesome friendship. So for now, I will keep my mouth shut tighter than a clam's shell. I will just cherish what we have right now. Whatever it is. Whatever we are.

it's me,

Tuesday

No More Trust Issues

November 20, 2019

10:25AM

Dear Apa,

I guess I was wrong about Chad being untrue to me. I admit, it's ridiculous to distrust him. He proved me wrong without him even trying. He just sat there with me at Army Navy, having dinner, giving me updates about what happened the previous week. Effortlessly, he earned my trust. He didn't have to lift a finger, he won my faith by simply being himself, doing his thing.

My intention was not to test him or whatever. What I actually planned to do was just go with the flow. If he was playing around, I would see the signs anyway. I mean, I'm not stupid. And it's not Rocket Science. I have a natural talent to sense when a person is being honest and when he is not. I love looking at his face when he's talking, and he always looks straight back at me. Eye to eye. That alone is a giveaway sign; he is sincere. He tells me everything, even the things that could probably hurt me, and I appreciate that 'coz the bottomline is that he tells me everything. That's why I felt guilt-stricken for doubting his intentions. I trust him now with all my heart.

At Army Navy
SM North EDSA The Block
November 19, 2019.

Today, I'm still hungover with the things that happened last night even when it only lasted like an hour (maybe even less). I'd say this is my favorite night among all the nights we spent together 'coz for some reason, we were just relaxed. Like we're very comfortable with each other. I mean, I am already at ease with him. But this time, I noticed that he's also the same with me. It makes me feel confident about our frienship status now. And I've never been this happy for a long time.

it's me,

Tuesday

Carpe Diem!

November 19, 2019

03:17PM

Dear Apa,

The ugliest feeling is not knowing what exactly to feel. It's like going crazy. You can't decide between being extremely happy or being deeply sad. Your heart tells you one thing but your mind says otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Like there are two persons fighting somewhere inside me. It could be depression. Or worse.

Sometimes I'm happy, but too happy it makes me sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to find ways to be miserably broken. No matter how good things are going, I find the bad in them. Call it pessimism, but for me, I'm not worthy of good things. This kind of thinking is the reason why I doubt this happiness. And I would end up questioning it and thinking of reasons why I don't deserve this happiness at all. That's me, my own worst detractor.

Our first "date"; November 3, 2019.

Chad and I have been seeing each other for weeks now. We eat out and he walks me home after. Maybe we are "dating" or maybe we're not. But does it matter? What's important is that I make him happy. Or at least that's what he told me. I feel happy with him too. But being the nega star I am, I can't help but doubt if everything between us—whatever it is—is real. My happiness is genuine, I just don't know about him though. And this is why I think twice about this "happiness" I'm feeling. Am I just forcing this? Or is it a real happiness but only exists at the wrong time? Maybe it happened prematurely. Maybe it's too early to feel like this. I'm not sure about Chad's truest intentions—yet

We're having dinner again tonight. I don't know how it's gonna feel like now that I admitted that I'm doubting him. But right now, I just feel elated, just like how I always feel when I'm with him. I'm not gonna spoil this for now. What I'm gonna do is look forward for our dinner date in the next two hours before I go off from my shift (yes, I'm writing this during work. Hehe!), and then I'm just gonna enjoy my time with him later. Live the moment, like what people say. And then I'll deal with my doubts again when I get home, before I sleep. If all these is just pretend, I guess I'm gaining something from it anyway. I become happy, even for just a little while. Now, if this happiness is bound to last for a longer time, then be it. I'll be very thankful for the rest of my life. Not that I think this will last, it's merely just hope. I can still be optimistic sometimes.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm happy now... sorta!

July 19, 2018

12:35PM

Dear Apa,

So I was a little too emotional on the previous letter because I guess I was missing Luke terribly. But days after I wrote that letter, Luke and I decided to see a movie together and catch up with everything in life. It's been so long since we last talked. The last time we saw each other was last month and he doesn't go online on Facebook that much and wouldn't respond to my texts either. But on July 12, we decided to meet up the following day and see Ant Man and The Wasp before he went back to Nueva Vizcaya.

For some reason, I woke up unusually early the day of our movie date. Maybe I was excited or did I just sleep too early the previous night? But I was supposed to buy Hot Wheels for my godson anyway, so I decided to go to the mall earlier than scheduled. At around 1PM, he came. We were at Starbucks for like an entire hour and man there was a lot of catching up that happened over my grande Green Tea Cream and his grande Americano. Our movie schedule was after some few hours so we had lots of time to spare and we went window shopping while continuously talking about random stuff like we used to.

I was glad we met that day. Everything felt like before, like nothing really changed. I want us to be that way forever.

Dinner at Pizza Hut courtesy of Frankie.

After the movie, we met up with Frankie because she invited us for dinner, her treat! Yay!

Since that day, I never felt lonely again. Even when Luke and I don't see each other that often anymore, at least I know that we are still the same bestfriends as before. He is in Nueva Vizcaya now and once he comes back to Manila, I'm going to ask him out again.

it's me,

Tuesday

This Is Where I'm At

July 09, 2018

01:46AM

Dear Apa,

I’m writing this letter trying to set up my mood with some music but when I checked on Frankie’s playlist on this laptop, nothing really suits what I’m actually feeling right now. The truth is, I don’t know what I should be listening to since I honestly don’t know for certain what I’m feeling. It’s been a while since I last wrote, and to be frank, I already forgot how I was feeling in the previous letter. I know it probably was about Luke, and that’s exactly why I seem to have forgotten the feeling. See it’s been a while since Luke suddenly vanished from my life. I mean, not entirely but he just went AWOL from work one day without a warning—just a stupid chat message saying that he can no longer continue on the day he stopped going to work. That day, I didn’t know what to do. I was never prepared to start my life without him, and to be honest, I thought I couldn’t make it. To picture my self at work without him saddened me. And when it happened, I was devastated. What dragged on and what I was painfully aware of was the fact that he never told me about his plans to quit his job. And I was supposed to be his bestfriend! I mean, I saw all the signs. Weeks before he left, he was already telling me about the job offering he got in Canada and that he never really plans on coming back home. I tried to be happy for him because who was I to complain, right?

Don’t get me wrong now, I really am happy for him. I believe I already said it a couple of times before. I know it was a dream-come-true for him and I don’t want to get in his way to pursuing it. I guess I just got hurt when he left without telling me. He could at least said he was never going to work again before he did so. I would have kept it a secret. I mean, Luke knows I am good at keeping his secrets. I never even told you one, to think that you are the one I always tell everything to. Now you might ask, why the hell am I telling you this now if I’m supposed to keep his secrets? Well, his reason for quitting his job is no longer a secret. Everyone knows about it now.

We met after a few days though, I think it was the 15th of June—two days before my birthday. We went to one of our friends’ house to secretly celebrate. “Secretly” because we didn’t tell anyone Luke was throwing a blowout for my birthday. It was just me, him and Cecil (the owner of the house we went to celebrate my birthday to). It was the only secret I told the others to just because they won’t stop asking me if I already talked to Luke after his infamous AWOL. I told everyone we were together that night because I supposed he wouldn’t mind.

I almost didn’t make it to work the following day. I guess I was too wasted that Luke had to let me sleep over at his house. He woke me up at 2PM because I believe I told him to. And I went to work with a terrible headache and no makeup on. And that was the last time I saw him.

Things rapidly went back to normal for everyone, they all seemed to have moved on instantly and went business as usual. And even when I couldn’t catch up, I had to pretend that everything’s alright, that I too had moved on. I didn’t think it was easy pretending but it helped that no one ever mentioned Luke’s name again, at least I didn’t have to talk about him anymore. But of course, I am my own worst enemy. I remember him in all I do at work because hey, I used to do all that with him every single day. It was his fault. I was fine being a loner all my life until he came along. After he quit his job, and after I was left with no one, I had to be a loner all over again. Not that I became greedy for attention or anything, truth is I actually wouldn’t want to be with anyone if it isn’t Luke. I’d rather stay antisocial again.

I had a conversation with Ronie (my previous trainer from my previous account) where I confessed about how I was feeling with all that happened. I know I already have you Apa. I know you’ve always been the one I tell everything to. But this time, I wanted someone who could actually tell me that everything’s gonna be alright. And Ronie gave me that assurance. Now he’s got one of my secrets which I hope he could keep. I mean, it isn’t really like a top secret or something. I’m not sure if this can even be considered a secret because I don’t really hide it, I just don’t tell people about it. And besides, Ronie said he knew I have a thing for Luke and that he thought Luke realizes it too which makes everything clear that this isn’t a secret after all. Anyway, after my conversation with Ronie, a weight had been lifted. It was a relief to have someone else know about how I really feel for Luke. At least now I don’t have to keep it to my self any more. But of course I’m not telling anyone else. It’s just between you, me and Ronie. I know I’m posting this letter to my blog and I’m risking this so-called secret to be unveiled for practically everyone on the internet to see and find out. But hey, no one really reads my blog. You don’t even read my blog Apa, and to think that my posts are letters intended for you to read. But to be fair with you, you don’t really know I’ve been writing you all these crap. But if in any chance you come across this blog and read all my letters, can you tell me if this is where I’m really at? Am I really so alone that the only person I confide on to doesn’t know he’s being confided on to? Am I this desperate for someone to listen—or read—about my not-so-picture-perfect life stories?

Well maybe I am desperate. I am desperate to tell the right people what I gotta tell them. Desperate enough to tell someone else I love him instead of telling that to Luke. I don’t want to stay this desperate Apa. But my life itself is already desperate enough. I am desperate in practically everything in life. I’m even desperate to look for a music that could perfectly match how I’m feeling upon starting this letter. So yeah, I guess this is where I’m at now.

it's me,

Tuesday

Crybaby 😭

April 19, 2018

03:17PM

Dear Apa,

Hey!

So I really wanted to write to you last night when I got home but I was chatting with my bestfriend through Facebook Messenger the whole night and I totally lost track of time—before I knew it, it was already 5AM. See we just opened up with each other just like what bestfriends do.

Anyway, in the last two letters, I told you the sad news about him leaving for Canada. And yesterday, he just broke an even sadder news; he is planning to stay there for good.

Of course I tried to be happy for him. It's a dream-come-true for him after all. But deep inside I was screaming "WHYYYY?!". Haha! I wanted to cry but decided not to, because I was already tired of crying since the previous day. Yes, I cried at work. He was on a VL and I told my self that it would be like some "dry run" or something, to practice and get used to going to work without him. I cried because I missed him terribly. And to think it was just one day. What more if he's already gone for good?

I didn't tell my TL the truth why I cried—of course. I told him that I was just frustrated with my consecutive bad calls, which was really part of the reason why I cried like a baby. But the truth was I just realized how life would be like without my bestfriend. I couldn't even last a day without him.

Right now, I'm still trying to be happy for him. I have no choice anyway. Whether I like it or not, he is gonna leave one day. And who am I to stop him, right? Who am I to ruin his dreams? Maybe I should hate him for this, but really, I can never hate him for anything.

The best I can do now is to make the most out of the remaining days I could still be with him. I want to be the bestfriend he could never forget. And all I need to know is if I'm something he will be missing.

P.S. I will meet him later. We will be going to our friend's house 'coz it's her birthday. I hope we could meet up for some coffee before we head to the party.

it's me,

Tuesday

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

April 14, 2018

01:47AM

Dear Apa,

I know I should already be sleeping as I have work tomorrow, but I just feel like writing to you first because I've been feeling down and lonely—again. What's new, right?

Look, the more I don't wanna think about it, the more it tries to squeeze its way into my conciousness. I hate it. I mean, I know I shouldn't feel paranoid or anything but what drags on and what I am painfully aware of is the fact that my bestfriend is gonna leave for Canada in a few weeks. I know I should be happy for him. It was, after all, a dream-come-true for him. And if you wanna know the truth, I am really happy for him. But maybe, just maybe, the reason as to why I'm feeling kinda emotional about him leaving is the possibility that we will never be the same again when he comes back.

You can say that I'm just overthinking, but come to think of it, we were only bestfriends or friends or whatever for just a couple of months now. And to me, our foundation isn't that strong yet and it could easily be cracked and destroyed by the distance and the lack of communication.

Sure you must be thinking, "Hey, there's always Skype!" but do you really expect him to Skype me or whatever when he's already there, some 7 thousand miles away? We don't even chat that much in Facebook to begin with. And besides, I would just bore him when we talk via videochat 'coz you know me, I'm not good with conversation.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for my self Apa. Because now that I found my self a real bestfriend, it is also now that he needs to go. It's just two months, fine. But things can change in those two months. Things nowadays happen and change quickly. Just like how our friendship happened, it all happened too fast. Too fast that I now wonder if we actually really know each other. How can I be sure that we will still be friends after this? It's ridiculous to distrust him, but let's just try to be more realistic here. It feels like I am just exaggerating my place in his life.

You know me, I'm clingy and annoying and I get attached to people way too quickly and then I get paranoid and I think they hate me and then I get sad and lonely and my self esteem drops lower than it already is. Welcome to my life!

I'm sorry Apa if I'm always difficult. I'm crying now 'coz it frustrates me. What frustrates me is the fact that I will miss him but I don't wanna miss him. I want to act cool but inside, I'm really dying. I want to be his bestfriend but I won't even pass as a regular friend or whatever. I am hopeless.

Still, I wanna thank him for the memories even though they weren't so great.

it's me,

Tuesday

He's Leaving On A Jetplane

April 05, 2018

02:52PM

Dear Apa,

Look, for the first time since I started writing you letters, I tried to open this one with so much enthusiasm. But you know me, I always find ways for my heart to be miserably broken. And so I deleted five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter and started writing this one instead.

It's ridiculous, I know. 'Coz what I was actually supposed to tell you about was the exciting idea that I finally found a BFF! Would you believe that? It's fucking amazing, isn't it? And it's ironic 'coz the fact that someone actually doesn't mind my psychotic personality and chooses to be my friend should already make me jump up and down in total delight. I mean, finding my self a bestfriend should be considered as a miracle and we should be celebrating it. But look at me, dragging my self again into my vicious way of finding sadness out of the good stuff. Yes, I'm still an emo like that!

You can't blame me Apa. I woke up this afternoon to a Facebook chat from him. He sent me that crying smiley or whatever you may call it, and I knew right on that he wanted to tell me something. My first instinct was to ask what's wrong. And then he told me the news I was dreading to hear in the past two months or so.

Yes, I already know he's leaving on a jetplane because he told me about it—it was a secret I promised to keep. And the days after his revelation were the most crucial for me. I don't pray Apa, you know that. But since he told me he would be leaving one day, I prayed the same prayer every single day on my way to work, asking a god I don't even believe in, to make each day not the day he would finally break the news in my face. And for two months, I actually thought that my prayers were being heard.

I didn't want to respond to his chat message when he told me what was happening. My initial reaction was to freeze, staring at the tentative date he said he would be leaving. I felt like crying, but I'm supposed to be his friend right? I'm supposed to support him in everything he does. And I'm supposed to console him when he's feeling down because he's my bestfriend—regardless if he considers me as his bestfriend too or not. It's my job. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

It's been an hour now since he broke the saddest news, and my heart has been breaking since then. I know it will keep on breaking, little by little, until the day he would finally leave. By then my heart would already be shattered. And shattered as it may be, I know it would still be hurting.

Tell me, do you think I now have all the rights to delete five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter to write you this heartbreaking one? My life will never be happy Apa, just deal with it. I was doomed to eternal sadness. In real life, there's no such thing as forever. In real life, nothing lasts for long. In my life, there's just simply nothing. I am cursed to lose everything I have.

it's me,

Tuesday

ChrisTue

January 27, 2018

03:24PM

Dear Apa,

Hey! If you wanna know the truth, I picture you rolling your eyes on me while reading this letter. I know, I know! I promised I'd be writing to you more often. But didn't. Don't be mad, it doesn't mean I already forgot about you. Truth is, that's the last thing I'd do.

In the previous letter, I told you I was gonna write about Chris. I'm actually intending to start it now, but then I realized I really have nothing to say about him anymore. It's not like there isn't anything worth telling—there actually is an awful lot. It's just that I don't feel like I should write anything about him anymore as we already have our own separate lives now.

OK. I'm not saying that we had a life together or something or whatever, he was just a workmate who happened to be so damn hot is all. Yup, he was my ultimate crush. And I guess I was fortunate enough to get the kind of attention he gave me. I enjoyed it, to be honest. Nobody made me feel that special for a long time. We called each other "babe" and our friends were all happy for us, supporting our "ChrisTue" team-up all the way. And I was the happiest I can possibly be.

But at the end of the day, as soon as work was over, everything would come back to normal. I'd go home feeling as lonely as ever knowing that Chris would go home to his wife and kids. At the end of the day, as the skies went dark, the reality that we were only friends would become clearer. Truth hurts, reality bites. We were never more than friends. At the end of the day, I'd feel more "forever alone" than ever.

I know it reads like I wanted to be with him. Newsflash, I never did. He was my dream guy, that's for sure, but his wife is also one of my dearest friends. And his kids are so beatiful, I wanted to volunteer to be their godmother. I am happy for him for having his own wonderful family. And everything we had—if there's even any—was all just for fun.

Am I hurt? Nah! Just feeling a little bit bittersweet maybe. I don't feel sad that what we were doing was all pretend, I guess the saddest thing about all of it was the fact that I would never really have anyone to make me happy. That at the end of the day, I was just fooling myself.

I know I said I have nothing to write about Chris, but look at me, uncontrollably typing words that mean nothing else but him. My body seems to already know our "love story" that there isn't a need for a push or anything to tell it to you or to anybody else. If you wanna know the truth, Chris is already a part of me. He already had his special place in my heart where I would keep him forever.

it's me,

Tuesday

Sayonara GDS/Team Marya

October 19, 2017

07:00AM

Dear Apa,

OK. First of all, let me apologize for I didn’t write to you in the last 11 months. I’m apologizing but I know you’d understand, you always do! And even when you’re never gonna require me to explain, something tells me that I still owe you an explanation. Well, the reason is—I know you probably already know this—that I am a lazy person. Too lazy to write to you. And I’m sorry.

But if you’re going to think of it, maybe it’s even a good thing that I didn’t write you any letter in the past months ‘coz usually, I only write when I’m feeling depressed about anything. Maybe I was never depressed for almost a year.

Anyway, now that I’m writing to you again doesn’t mean that I’m depressed again. Maybe feeling a little sad but not depressed. Actually, it’s a bitter-sweet feeling. Isn’t separation anxiety supposed to feel this way?

Yes, you read it right. I’m going through SepAnx once again. I got the sack from my employer—let us groan to that. Losing this job was really a nightmare. Not because I was very much devoted to it, I mean, I never was devoted to any job, but because I know that I’m gonna miss the people I worked with. My team mates were like my family, no kidding. I never worked with people like them before. Every single one of them already found their own spaces in my heart. It may sound cheesy but hey, what can I do, that’s the truth.

I’m sure having them as my team mates was one of the biggest factors why I didn’t feel depressed and didn’t write to you for 11 months. Honestly, I don’t remember a time when I felt sad about anything with them. Especially with Chris, but I guess the story about him deserves a separate letter dedicated entirely to my memories of him.

And guess what, I finally had a TL that was never a pain in the ass. TL Marya is by far the best TL I had. And ofcourse I will tell you more about her next time.

For now, I just wanna let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you Apa. You’re the only person I can confide in who would never complain. ‘Coz you have no choice! LOL. I’m gonna try to be less lazy and write to you more often now. I missed doing this. I missed you!

it's me,

Tuesday

House of Giray

November  20, 2016

06:44PM

Dear Apa,

Hey! I'm really sorry I wasn't writing to update you these past few months, I was busy with my new job. You read it right, I'm working again. Yay! I started working for another contact center in UP Ayala-TechnoHub just a month ago and guess what, I have new friends!

I was actually supposed to be part of Frankie's wave but I guess I was fortunate enough to start training a week later 'coz I found a new family with my wave mates and our trainer. You know me, I can be a little too introvert. But surprisingly, I got along with them lot right away. I mean, I know I still need to work on with my socializing skills—or my intra-personal skills or whatever you may call it—but at least I'm trying.

These are my wave mates.

Last week, we (Nadine, Mark, Hero, CJ, Nico, Paul, our trainer JJ and me) went to SM Marikina to celebrate Nadine's birthday at Vikings and man, it was fun. I was kind of holding back at first (you know me, I'm not really confident of my self), but as soon as I got comfortable with all of them around, I started letting them know who I really am. I was really really proud of being my self that night. Especially when we were at the karaoke place to drink and party. It was one epic night and I was the star of the night. Haha. They loved me! I was never that happy.

L-R: JJ (our trainer), CJ, Paul, Nico, Mark, Hero, Nadine and me.

A week after (it was last Friday), they invited me again for another drinking session. And of course I won't say no! This time, we were with more mates from my wave. I knew it was gonna be awesome. We went to CJ's place in Novaliches and we drank brandy and I was fucking wasted I slept at the terrace, would you believe that? Haha. That was such an experience.

At CJ's house - November 18, 2016.

But does it matter if I got totally drunk to the point where I actually gave a dude a lap dance? Is it a big deal if I was left to sleep outside the house? HELL NO! None of them matters, because what really matters is that I had an awesome time and that I have a bunch of friends now. And I know that you are happy for me Apa.

But I'm still kind of insecure about my self though. I'm not sure my mouth wouldn't be shut tighter than a clam's shell tomorrow at work. It's not them, it's me. I'm always my own worst enemy.

it's me,

Tuesday

High Five

August  08, 2016

06:40PM

Dear Apa,

Hey, it's August 8! Guess what, five years ago, I found you on Facebook! You read it right, it's been five years since I started writing to you. Five years and you still have no idea that someone like me exists and writes you letters.

Let's go back in time. It was actually August 5 when I rode a jeepney with you. And from that day on, I kept thinking about you. So I decided to find you on Facebook (thanks to the tattoo on your arm, I knew what your name is). And on August 8, after some profile searches, I finally found you. And I started writing you letters since.

Nothing has changed since the last five years Apa, you're still my most reliable friend. I still don't care if you won't respond to my letters, let alone read them. As long as I still have stories to tell, I will keep telling them to you. Even when I know that the story of my life will never interest you.

Thanks for being there!

it's me,

Tuesday

Summer Forever

March 21, 2016

12:00PM

Dear Apa,

Hey there!

My body is currently at a state of extreme tiredness and my muscles are aching. But that's okay, because the reason for that is FUN!

We went swimming yesterday! Yay!

Here's a video of me, Frankie and Abbey on our way to Calumpit, Bulacan.


I had so much fun, although I planned on forgetting about JC even for just a day but I didn't manage. Ugh! He was on my mind all day, but yeah, I still enjoyed our getaway because I was with my sisters.

it's me,

Tuesday

SepAnx

March 13, 2016

02:29PM

Dear Apa,

Okay, I know this is gonna be a news for you because 1.) You know me, I was never really the friendly kind, and 2.) This is the first time I've felt some sort of separation anxiety. I didn't think I'd be having this feeling. To start with, I don't have feelings—or so I thought. And besides, I should already be immune to being left behind by the people I care about.

Last Friday, we finally graduated from our Learning Lab. And the thought of having to go on our own separate ways makes me really sad. It's depressing. I can't believe it's over now. Those friends—the "Tough Ten", as I secretly call our wave (or what's left of it, at least)—and our TL and SMEs are people who really matter to me. Can you believe it Apa? I made friends! You see, I'm no longer anti-social (just anti-Christ. LOL). But when I already started getting closer to them, it is also when I need to let them go.

Maybe that's really how it goes in this industry, people just come and go. It might be depressing but I guess I just have to deal with it. Maybe, at the back of my mind, what I really worry about is how I'm gonna start over again. I'm gonna meet a new set of people from my new team, but are they gonna be like the Tough Ten? Are they gonna be my friends too? It's ridiculous to compare these two sets of people—or anyone else for that matter—but I guess, what I'm trying to tell you is that it's not everyday that I make friends. It's not everyday that I meet people like the Tough Ten. They made a mark in my heart, and it's too prominent enough that it won't be easy to erase.

I know you must be thinking "Give your new team mates a chance to make friends with you". I know you wanna say it 'coz you're kind like that. Okay. I'll try. But if it didn't work, I promise I'll be fine. Because at the end of the day, I'll still be having you Apa. You're the only friend who will never ever leave me. That I am sure about.

it's me,

Tuesday

The White Light, The Prism and The Spectrum

March 07, 2016

07:59AM

Dear Apa,

I feel really gloomy. I just wrote a letter for JC and it's sad to know that I'm gonna have to let him go. Man, is my life ever gonna change? I've been writing you letters for many years now yet I'm still confiding nothing but how desperate I am. I am so hopeless. I think I'm just gonna die like this.

Anyway, here's what I wrote for him:

March 07, 2016

02:28AM

Joven,

Okay. I honestly don't know how to start with this letter because, to begin with, I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. I guess my fingers are just itching to type anything and you are all I've been thinking of the whole day. I have nothing to say. Or at least nothing at the moment. But since I already started writing, I know my mind will bring up something relevant to talk about.

I know I've never been like a best friend to you, given the fact that we've only known each other for two months. If it only was long enough, maybe I've made an adequate effort to be the best. But there is no such thing as forever—this friendship has to end sooner or later. So let me make the most out of this letter and tell you what I have to say, before it's too late.

To Alas: You!!! You're the reason why I fell in love in the first place. Why did you have to be such a pain in the ass? And how the hell did you know that I'm gonna get attracted to Joven when he is being a brat? But thank you very much. If it wasn't for you, I'm never gonna notice him. Remember that time when I sat beside him in process training? You were always around. That was the time I stared to his face for the first time, thinking how interesting he was. It was crazy, if you wanna know the truth. Crazy in the sense that I got attracted to Joven for being masungit like that. "Alas!", I'd always scream in my head. But the more you hate, the more you start learning to love. And you won, congratulations. I couldn't stop thinking of him since. Whatever you did, it was a job well done.

To Denton: Hey there charming one. I really appreciate how you make Joven happy sometimes. And seeing him happy makes me float in the air like a ball of fluffy cloud. If I only like cherubins, I'd consider you one. Thank you for showing up when I need to see you. You are my drug, and I love the high you bring. If I was a Buddhist, I'd say it was nirvana. But how come you seldom show up? Joven needs you more than anyone else. He needs to be happy all the time because that way, he influences a lot of people to be happy too.

I know you'd stick around even when I'm already gone. Until then I'm gonna be relieved to know he still manages to be happy. I know Joven and I are not gonna be friends anymore, so I'm leaving him for you to look after. Keep him happy. I'd still wanna see him like that.

To Ose: You are very clever. And why am I not surprised? You are not gonna be called a demon for nothing. And if only I don't bow my head to the masters of hell, I'm sure I'm hating you right now. I wanted to get rid of you, to scream for you to go back to the burning pits of hell, to be engulfed by the flames and to rot slowly and brutally. But you're gonna like that, don't you? And I'm sure you'd be waiting for me to come home to our kingdom—arms wide open, a menacing smile on your face. Don't you worry my friend, I'll see you there.

To Major: Hello stranger. It's nice to finally see you. I almost thought you don't exist, but who am I kidding? Right? Why did I ever think Joven doesn't have you in him? I am such a fool.

But thank you for introducing your self. I appreciate that you showed up sooner, before I get caught up in a disastrous tangle and can't escape. But to be honest with you, it hurt me when I met you. I cried, if you wanna know the truth. I felt terribly sad to learn that my game is over. I am ashamed. Too ashamed to look you in the eye, let alone hold my head up. I'm sorry. I mean it. If I could only take back what I told Joven, I'd do everything to take it back. But I love him, so much as a matter of fact. But it ends there. I'm never gonna tell him that again—because I don't have the rights. Thank you for making me realize that.

To Joven: Look, I'm really sorry I called you a lot of different names. But keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything. If there's someone insane enough, it's me. It's me who is always coming up with a lot of stupid, schizophrenic ideas. I'm a freak like that. So you can just keep away from me.

In Physics class back in high school, we were taught about the Dispersion of Light. A white light remains a white light until it passes through a prism, and that's only when it's gonna be dispersed into a spectrum. That's how our so-called "friendship" goes. You are the white light, and I am the prism. It is only me who is bringing out your spectrum of different personalities with different names. It's all my fault. And I'm sorry.

Now, come to think of it. What would happen if you take the prism out of the way? The spectrum will be gone. And the ray of light will continue travelling as a white light. So let's take me—your prism—out of the equation so you could be just the white light you really are. If there's no more prism, there's only a white light. If there's no more Tuesday, there's only Joven. Just you alone. I promise I'm never gonna call you by any other name anymore.

***

I'm sorry if all these things don't make any sense. I told you I really have nothing to say. But if you're still reading this letter up to this point, thank you. It makes me feel like I matter.

P.S. Do you think it's possible for us to just forget what I confessed to you? I'm taking it back. Sorry.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm not sure if he's gonna read it though. But does it matter? I guess what matters now is the fact that I'm gonna be out of his way. I know it's hard to deal with the deranged and psychopathic me. And I don't want him to think that I'll be sticking around like a clingy, obsessed asshole. But I love him, Apa. I really fucking do. The only reason why I want to distance from him is because I don't want him to deal with me anymore. I can be too depressed, you know. And I'm not sure I'm not gonna start harming my self again if this stupid feeling grows deeper. I love him, but I want to keep it like that. I know my ground right now, and if I stay in his life, I might need more. I'm so tired of needing. I'm so fucking tired of loving someone who doesn't give a shit. And keeping a distance between us is preventing my self to love him more. That way, the hurt won't grow more unbearable.

I'm going to sleep now. Soon I'll be telling you a happy story. Or maybe not. My life will never be happy.

it's me,

Tuesday

Iwanu Ga Hana

March 06, 2016

09:37PM

Dear Apa,

Today, I learned that I shouldn't say everything I feel. It took me so many years to finally realize that.

This morning, I confessed to JC about how I really feel for him. I actually didn't sleep all night because I was waiting for him to go online on Facebook so I could chat with him. At around 6 in the morning, he sent me a "good morning". I didn't waste time, I told him I love him right away.

You know me Apa, you know that I never had any problems confessing about my feelings towards guys I really like. You know that I would never mind how they'd react to that too. And that's exactly what I thought I'd still be when I sent that stupid message to JC. But to my surprise, I felt really bad. It felt really awkward. And right then and there, I wished I could just turn back time and change everything. I wanted to take back what I said. I wanted to punch myself for being such an idiot. Why in the world did I do that? Why did I tell him the truth?

Don't get me wrong, I really love JC. But the thing is, I realized I should've just kept my mouth shut tight like a clam's shell. I shouldn't have said a word and we could have stayed friends. But it's too late, everything is ruined now. This is horrible. It's depressing.

But at least I'm only gonna have to deal with JC for a week as we will already be endorsed to different teams next week. I'm sure he's gonna forget what I said. I'd feel better if he choose to just forget about me.

it's me,

Tuesday

Equilibrium

March 05, 2016

06:33PM

Dear Apa,

Oh my fucking god! I'm so excited for tomorrow.

Last Monday, Rein went here at my house to visit. But she thought I was sleeping, so she just went home. And when I went out to fetch her from our gate, she was already gone. So I called her and asked her why she came over.

"Nothing." She said. "I just missed you."

And I really miss her too. So I told her I'd visit her on my rest day. I promised I'd make some tuna sandwiches and bring them when I go there. It's my rest day today and tomorrow, so we decided to have it tomorrow.

I just came home from WalterMart where I purchased the stuff I need for my sandwiches. And now I just can't wait for tomorrow. I'm gonna start preparing my tuna sandwiches later after I had my hair dyed again.

When I started working again, I promised my self I'm gonna maintain a work-life balance. And ofcourse, social life is part of the "life" side. See when I was with my previous company, I got stuck with just work. I didn't have a social life because during my rest days, I just stayed home and all I did was really rest. My friends would invite me out but I refused each time because I'd rather sleep in at home. But I'm not gonna let that happen again, everything should be balanced—even work and life. Maybe this way, I'm gonna be able to avoid stress like what I always get when I'm working. I know I need this; to relax, to unwind, to socialize.

it's me,

Tuesday

The Words "Best Friend" Become Redefined

March 05, 2016

03:48PM

Dear Apa,

Hey!

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you lately. I apologize but I know you understand. See I have a job now and I don't have that much time anymore, unlike when I was still a worthless, lazy ass. Guess what, there's a possibility for me to be endorsed to production. "Production", by the way, is where our real job happens; where we take in calls. I know I need to make it clear to you 'coz for a musician like you, the word means differently.

Anyway, I made a lot of friends too! Yay! Sure they're all different people with different personalities, from different walks of life, but we all got along quickly. And now that we will be endorsed to different teams next week, I'm starting to feel some sort of separation anxiety or something or whatever. I love that bunch of people, especially JC. And thinking that we will all be separated makes me feel sad somehow.

But who knows? I might make good friends with my future team mates too. I might even find someone like JC — my confidante. You know, it might work. But it might also not. And I know that nothing will ever compare to my friendship with JC. It is something really special and really important to me. That is why I cried hard when we fought the other day for a very stupid reason. I thought I was gonna lose him. It was scary because he's only been my friend for weeks and I don't wanna lose him. I want us to be friends until the end. That's why when he apologized to me, I gave in right away.

But you know what, we never know what we could possibly expect. Life has its own middle finger, and yes, shit happens. I'm not sure if JC also thinks the same about our friendship. But if for him, this friendship is not as special as how I see it then that's just fine. I am used of the hurt anyway.

it's me,

Tuesday

Dia de los Muertos

January 16, 2016

02:05AM

Dear Apa,

Hey!

It's 2016! It's another year, but it doesn't really feel like something is new. See I'm still the same; except that I already have a job again! Yay!

Okay, so the other day, I applied for a job and the recruitment hub sent me to Technohub (it's located in U.P.), but I told the interviewer that I didn't want to be assigned there as it's gonna give me too much hassle to travel from Bulacan to there. I told her that I wanted to be assigned at their West Avenue site and she endorsed me, and I had my Operations interview and another series of examinations at the West Avenue site yesterday. I passed!

Anyway, the last letter I wrote for you was about the novel I've been writing. Guess what, I took a rest from writing Raki Starr and started working on a new novel which I call "Dia de los Muertos". It's about a transgendered woman (but the story is not revolving around her transition phase) who has a deal with the demon. You see, it's not a love story or anything cheesy. It's actually gonna have a lot of action in it. Also, as you know me, I love morbid stuff so I'm including violence in it, and drugs, sex, blood, murders, torture, more blood, profanity, abuse, satanic references and even more blood. It's so me right? That's why I enjoy writing it.

I actually already wrote 9 chapters but unfortunately, I accidentally deleted everything so I had to start over, which is just fine 'coz now I manage to develop the scenes more.

I don't know when I'm gonna be able to finish it, I don't rush myself. Especially now that I already have a job and I'm gonna be too busy to keep my focus on writing. But I plan on writing still during my free times. And when I finish it, I'm gonna be sending the manuscript to VisPrint (Bob Ong's publisher).

Right now, I'm working on completing my pre-employment requirements. I decided to write to you just to give you updates. And now that I'm telling you all these stuff in this letter, I just figured out that hey, there actually are new thing for me this year after all.

it's me,

Tuesday