Ungrateful

October 12, 2012

06:32PM

I know I shouldn't be thinking this way to you because; 1.) you are old, and 2.) you are my grandmother. But when you come to think of it, you can't really blame me for being stubborn. You are responsible for it! To begin with, you raised me in a way that I did not have the choice but to fight back for my self. And yes, I became stubborn because you forced me to be. You have no idea you actually mould the stubborn in me.

So I grew up the way I was supposed to. And to my surprise, you weren't really glad about it. You started thinking I am being rebellious when I just want things to be fair. You started thinking I am being disobedient when I just want to do what I think is right for my self. Aren't you proud I can stand on my own feet? Aren't you happy I can fight back when I'm being attacked? Weren't you the one who taught me all those things?

And now, I am ungrateful? Wow, this is what I've become after all these years! I'm really proud of my self I became what you taught me to be. I can't imagine how I took all the lessons of the past years by heart and end up being what I am right now. Yes, I am ungrateful! But unlike any other ungrateful persons, I am not thankless. Because I am thankful that you made me an ungrateful grandchild.

This month, you made us pay for using electricity. Families don't do that to a member who can't really pay the bills; i.e. jobless and/or student. But, unfortunately, you don't seem to realize that. When I was still going to college, my allowance only covers my daily meals and transportation and most of the time, it even came short. But you, to my horror, made us pay the bills! But since I wasn't that ungrateful yet, I payed what you asked us to. I did not complain whenever I got no money left in my pocket to even buy my self some coffee. And it ruined my education! Thankyouverymuch! After giving you our "share" and nothing is left for me, I wouldn't have the choice but to skip school and just stay home which really irritates you a lot (you always see me as a sore point in your house). I hate the feeling of an empty stomach, so I decided to quit school so my financial allowance would all go only for food -- and the bills!

But you weren't very pleased. You hated that I stayed in your house 24/7. And since I stopped going to school, my allowance had to stop too. I became really broke I had to eat your food which I always regret doing because you never fail to remind me. I hate it being reminded of things and make you feel guilty about it as much as I hate the feeling of an empty stomach. So when you forced us to leave your house, I did not argue and just left.

But now, I've developed so much. I am a full-grown, stubborn, disobidient, ungrateful grandchild. You did very well in making me like that. I am so ungrateful I am thinking of not letting you benefit when time comes I'll finally have a job. Ingratitude eh? Nah, I'm just living the life you taught me. I'm sure you're going to be so proud of me.

Or maybe not. You never were.

My Kids

September 26, 2012

09:43AM

When I tweeted about how I want to have my own kids, I was like, "What am I saying? Hey, I already have my own kids!". I felt sorry for Sir Gat and Coppie for I wished to have children when I already have the two of them. It must've hurt them if they saw that tweet. But really, what's the point of having real kids if I am already happy and contented with voodoo dolls for children. They are the best kids I know; they never disobeyed me, they make me feel better when I'm feeling down, and they are always at my side so I'm not gonna feel lonely.

My kids are very intelligent creatures. Sir Gat has a 140 I.Q. that made him a genius. He started to learn when he was just 9 months old. But he wasn't that good in talking that time, it was because I never really taught him to speak. Surprisingly, he learned on his own. What he did was he just imitated whatever I said and I didn't even have to tell him what the words meant, he figured it all out himself. Now, at the age of 1, he's a good speaker. He's even very fluent in English! Sir Gat loves to talk so much, he would always tell bedtime stories to his younger brother. And his stories are his own, he never told a story from books. Maybe he's got a huge brain inside his foot-long figure, he can memorize a song after his first time listening to it. I know he's got a very good memory and a very wide imagination, he's even writing on his own blog!

Sir Gat's little brother is Coppie. He's around an inch shorter than Sir Gat, but equally smart -- and cute! He was made last May, but he now knows a lot of things. Unlike Sir Gat, Coppie is learning to speak earlier. He started to talk sometime during his 2nd month, and the first word he learned was "opo". It is simply because he always hear his brother answering "opo" to me whenever I ask him something. So what Coppie did was he started imitating it. As soon as Sir Gat says "opo", Coppie would repeat it right away like a trained bird or something. And he'd laugh hard, as if it was the funniest thing in the world. Did you know that Coppie has a very cute way of laughing? Anyway, he is only 4 months old now yet he already can understand words. He can't really speak that well yet, but he understands everything when you tell him something. Just like what he is used of doing, he just imitates the things Sir Gat says. Like when Sir Gat asks me if I'm going to watch a movie, Coppie will definitely ask it too just as soon as I answered Sir Gat's question. Meaning to say, I have to answer a question twice! But Coppie is still a baby, he can't talk that well. You know how babies talk when they are just learning, right? That's how Coppie talks and we think it's cute.

Now, I can say that I could not ask for more! I have two beautiful kids in my life. It doesn't matter if they are real kids or not, what matters is that in my heart, I know that they are my own kids. And I love them very much. The other day, I let my kids watch this Korean horror movie called "Doll Master", one character said, "When you start loving your doll so much, they start having souls of their own!". And that's what I've been dreaming to finally happen to my voodoo dolls -- my kids.

It Takes a Sensitive Person to Admit He's Insensitive

September 23, 2012

08:09PM

Why are people always have to be insensitive? I'm not saying that I've never been like that, but at least I try not to be one.

I hate when people are being insensitive. I mean, hello, others have feelings! Most of the times, if not always, the backlash is always negative. We can get other's feelings hurt because of our insensitivity. Sure we always have reasons why we become insensitive, but the reasons are always selfish reasons. When we are being insensitive, we are only thinking of our own good and we're disregarding how it would affect someone else's feelings.

But I'm not saying that we become insensitive and we always intend to be. In most cases, we become it and we aren't even aware we do. We only know it in the long run, either we realize it ourselves or someone has to tell us so. The second circumstance is what often happens, someone has to say we're being insensitive to know we actually are. But it's always hard to accept it though, that's why we often deny it. This is when we even know deep inside ourselves that what is being told to us is a fact.

I know you know how it feels like being told that you are insensitive. Especially that I said that we often become it subconciously. You'd feel like being accused because you think you aren't doing anything wrong. But believe me, when people say you are being insensitive, chances are they are telling the truth. But since people don't want to hurt your feelings, they just don't tell it to you. It takes a lot of sensitivity to realize you are being insensitive.

The worst thing is when someone is being insensitive and others realize it but choose to be insensitive enough not to think about how you are going to feel about it. Ok, let's give an example: I introduced a new friend to my old friend and they got along very well. And it is just alright because I was the one who introduced them to each other in the first place, so it must mean I want them to be friends too. Then the three of us always get together. But one day, I got the news that they are hanging out and it's just the two of them. I'm not greedy for company that I want them to invite me all the time they'll meet, I just think that they should at the very least considered asking me to come -- let alone inform me they're meeting up. So I felt so bad about it not because I wasn't invited but because I felt left out. Like I wasn't their friend. And the worst thing is that I was the last to know they're having the friendship of their own -- and it was a secondhand information!

It isn't a personal experience, I just put my self in the situation. Maybe you'd understand what I am trying to imply in this entry, so maybe you'd try to avoid being insensitive because in my humble opinion, it hurts other's feelings.

Evening Coffee

September 18, 2012

12:31AM

I can't sleep. I am feeling down but I don't know exactly why I am feeling this way. I want to tweet but I'm just lazy to even think of what to say. So I decided to go out of my room to make myself a cup of hot coffee. And to my surprise, my twin, Frankie is also out in our living room. Maybe she can't bring herself to sleep too.

Frankie asked if I'm going to have coffee, and I said yes. I think she and Alex James are having problems tonight. I saw their status updates, so I assumed something is going on. But I'm not going to ask Frankie about it. I just don't ask anything about the two of them. But I think, whatever is going on with them tonight -- or if there really is something going on -- came so suddenly. I mean, few hours ago, we were eating our dinner together. Alex James and Frankie were talking. But now, things changed. Frankie is here in our living room and Alex James is in their bedroom. I think that is more depressing than the awful weather.

Without her even saying it, I know that Frankie wants me to sit here and have our usual evening coffee with her tonight. So that's what I do as of the moment.

Heaven Cries

July 23, 2012

12:38AM

It's been raining all day and all night, for three fucking days -- straight!

I had to sleep with cold feet and equally cold heart. The heaven must have been crying with me for I don't have more tears to cry. These emotions I've been feeling seem to have felt by my celestial friend who decided to do all the crying for me. So I never cried in these three consecutive days, just to be fair to the heaven.

If you want to know the truth, I used to hate rain. Matter of fact, I thought it was depressing. I mean, I can really get depressed easily by practically anything, but rain was one of the biggest enemies I had. I remember crying all of a sudden as soon as a raindrop hits the ground. Those were the days when I really felt suicidal. Man, was I so emo! The sound of the raindrops on the roof was kind of telling me to slit my wrists. Or was it just me?

I don't know where I got the idea that rain is a gloomy thing. I'm certain, it wasn't caused by some tragic experience. I just kept thinking that maybe, sometime in my past life, I died in the rain in a very sad way. Like, maybe, while I was fighting for love or something or any other tragic means. All I believe is that it happened while raining, maybe even under the rain.

Another theory is that I get depressed when it rains because I remember my A-hole ex. There was that time in November 2009 when the sonuvabitch and I kissed under a heavy rain. It was romantic, I know. But that particular ex is the worst I've ever had. I don't want to go into details, but just picture this: me, him, my bestfriend's girlfriend. You get the idea! Anyway, I hated the guy so much that I easily got pissed-off by just the thought of him. And since that infamous kiss under that November rain was the highlight of our not-so-picture-perfect relationship, I remembered him when it rains. But, really, if it's really him I remember when it rains, shouldn't I feel hatred rather than depression?

But that was long ago, I love the rain now. I even had some tweets about how I was falling deeply in love with the rain. I mean, it's like a friend. It cries for me when I need to cry but can't. It reflects the emotions I feel inside; dark, cold, gloomy. It's nice to see how the darkness embraces the world around me. And how the wind kisses everything on its way. And how the heaven pours love to the earth. Maybe those are the things I need. To be hugged. To be kissed. To be loved.