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February 05, 2012

Dear Apa,

I wrote you a letter on January 24, 2012 03:12AM. And here's what I wrote:
Dear Apa,

I don't want to go to school anymore! I have a feeling I'm going to die soon anyway. I've been thinking of hanging my self in the bathroom for weeks, I just can't find the courage to finally do it.

I'm not psycho, I just want things to end right away. Things I don't really want to happen but happen. I don't want my Ate Shishi to waste her time and money on me anymore. I really feel sorry that I had to make her do that. I love her, you know that Apa, don't you? And I don't want to upset her. I'm such a big disappointment! I hate to admit it but it's the truth. Please tell her I'm really sorry for this shit I've done. And I love her so much. I miss her, tell her I say thanks for all the help she gave me and Frankie.

Please tell Ate Shawie that I'm not thinking that she's such a villain in my life. It really hurts me when she thinks it that way. She and Ate Shishi, they are actually my heros. They keep saving me when I know I don't even deserve it being saved. I lied so much to the both of them and I really feel stupid for that. Don't forget to tell Ate Shawie that I love her. And I want to thank her for she never got tired of supporting me and Frankie. Tell her I'm asking her to keep supporting Frankie for I'm not gonna be here by Frankie's side anymore.

Tell Frankie not to miss me 'coz I'm still gonna be here for her. I'm not sure I'm not gonna miss her though, I've been with her all my life! I don't want to see her cry again. It always hurts me when I see tears in her eyes. I don't want her to get mad at me for leaving her, so please tell her I'm sorry that I already have to go. Please hug her for me if you can. She's the hardest thing to leave behind, but she's intelligent and I know she will understand.

I'm proud of my half-sisters, Apa. I wish I could spend more time with them. But I can't. You have no idea how happy I felt when Shawnee showed me she already can ride a bike. She learned it by herself, did you know that? I'm going to miss this cute little Shawnee. I love her so much. And Shiena, I'm proud of her too. Tell her I asked her to keep up the good works in school. And I love her.

Apa, I know I've written a freakin' much about Ralph Jhonel. But let me write about him again, for the last time. Tell him I'm really really sorry for I became a part of his life. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. But I love him with all my heart. Please tell him I can't keep my promise anymore, that I'm going to be right here waiting. I love him, Apa. I really do. I would really want him to be at my wake, if it is the only way I'm going to be with him again. I'm going to miss him. I wish him happiness.

I feel ridiculous writing all these. I don't want to hurt any person I Iove. But I just can't go on. Apa, I'm such a mess. I know what I'm doing is such a selfish thing. I want to be strong. I tried, you know I did. But it wasn't good enough. I can't do anything right. I just need to end my life.
If I lack the courage to finally do this, then I guess this is not the thing to do. If I manage and decide to go on with my life, I promise I'm gonna do things right. Are you going to help me, Apa?

it's me,
I know it reads pretty alarming. But if you were in my shoes, you're going to understand.

it's me,

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