Dear Apa,
Hi!
I know I didn't write for almost two years. But I also know you understand. I only write to you when I feel sad, right? And for almost two years, I was happy. Or at least for the most part of it. So, am I sorry that I didn't write to you for a long time? Not really.
You guessed it right, I was happy because of Chad—the guy I was talking about in my last letter. But you probably are thinking "so why are you writing now?". Well, I'm sad now, OK.
In fact I was sad for over a month now. Actually, the better word to describe me now is depressed. I mean, I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression or whatever but I know there's something wrong with me right now. I'm not ashamed to admit it because I want to fix it before it gets worse. I need help Apa! I need to deal with this asap. Weeks before my birthday, I had a consistent suicidal thoughts. I was really determined to hang myself on my birthday and it was scary that I even thought of that. But it was a strong urge. What's even scarier is the fact that everytime I was having those thoughts, it feels just OK. Like it's what I have to do.
It's like having a switch you know. One moment I am so much willing to end my life and then it turns off and I become terrified that I was even thinking of it. For weeks, I struggled to keep my switch off. I fought it from turning back on atleast until my birthday is over. And obviously, I succeeded. It was such a relief when I made it through my birthday without harming myself. And I was OK for a couple of days. I decided to deactivate my Facebook account because I knew it contributes a lot with how I'm feeling. I hate to admit it but I think Chad is the major factor why I get sad everyday. Every single day, I open my messenger, waiting for his messages when I knew that no message was ever gonna come at all. And it makes me sad.
I called to greet him on his birthday and I was really happy that I got to talk to him again. And we talked about what was going on between us and we reconciled and all and everything was kinda sorted out. He confessed he already has a girlfriend. I knew it was gonna come, I was just not prepared how it was gonna hurt. It hurt like hell. But I said I was happy for him. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him. Maybe I'm just sorry for myself.
I reactivated my Facebook after we talked because I honestly thought I was OK. Until tonight, he finally changed his relationship status and it's only now I realized I wasn't "fixed" after all. I sent him a message admitting I'm not yet OK. And then I deactivated my Facebook again.
I decided to write to you because I know that I have to pour this out of my chest before it becomes heavy and serious. I know that in the next couple of days, my switch will turn on again. And telling someone about how I'm feeling maybe a good idea for now instead of keeping it to myself. Maybe—just maybe—it will help lessen the thoughts I dread thinking about.
Please note that I told people about what I'm going through. I told Joven and Neil and Frankie about my suicidal ideations. I also tried to tell Shiena about it through messenger but I decided to unsend the message coz I don't want to worry them. I just decided to tell this to you too because, I don't know, I just feel comfortable telling you everything.
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