Cloud Above My Head

August 28, 2011
08:35AM

Dear Apa,

Morning!

I decided to greet with just "morning" instead of "good morning" because it isn't really a good day for me. You see, I cried my self to sleep last night. And if you're thinking that it's about Ralph Jhonel again, then you're right.

I was meaning to write to you about this last night but I was too emotional and I knew that I'm just going to say mean things that I don't really mean to say. I was really mad at Ralph Jhonel and I was crying as if it's the last time I'm ever gonna cry. But as I wake up this morning, I realized that there isn't really anything to be angry about. I understand now!

But I don't plan on asking for another reconciliation. Ralph Jhonel don't want us to be friends anymore. Honestly, I don't know why I'm even writing to you about him when I don't want to think about him anymore. He was always mean to me. He hurt me so much. He won't give a damn about me. So why would I bother to spend time ranting about him?

I guess I should just stop writing now. I'm sorry Apa, I promise to find better things to say the next time I write.

it's me,
Tuesday

People Change

August 24, 2011

02:41AM

Dear Apa,

I just checked Ralph Jhonel's blog and found this image he reblogged 1 week ago. I had to cry to this, you know. I mean, it wasn't mentioned there whether the post was for me or for anyone else, but the fact that he posted it only proves that it is how he treats friends — even if they were best friends the year before. So maybe it makes everything clearer now. Maybe not crystal, but at least less muddled enough to reflect his true feelings. He wants everybody to know that people change. That he himself is changed. That he is not the person I once knew.

I felt so bad about it all of a sudden. There's really nothing I can do now to win our friendship back. It's the last thing I want to happen, Apa. But as the days drag on, it gets more frustrating than I can ever handle. I feel like I'm falling little by little into pieces and to be honest with you, I wish I could just die. How can he ever do this to me? I did nothing but love him and I didn't even asked him for anything in return. I contented my self with being just friends with him because I don't want to lose him. But still he's changed.

I wish I could tell him all these. But there's no way he's gonna give a damn. I wish I could ask of him to at least try to keep in touch with our friends. I don't want him to do to them what he did to me. I want them all to remain friends. I'm sure I'm going to be happy to see that. As for me, I will just watch them from a distance where I will try not to make any sound so I won't have to disturb them. I will just smile to my self because I know I'm going to see how they keep a strong friendship between each and everyone of them. I will try not to force my way into the scene, so that they could all forget I ever existed. They could live their lives without me.

I know I'm being too emotional. I know I might just be jumping into conclusions. But I don't know better, Apa. I'm hopeless!

People change. So I guess I should just change myself.

it's me (or is it still me?),
Tuesday

"Stand up and win!" — RJCG

August 23, 2011
04:18AM

Dear Apa,

I feel miserable right now. I'm sure you're not interested to know why, but since you don't have a choice, I'm going to tell you. I just want Ralph Jhonel back is all! It's not that I'm saying that he was mine for me to wish him back, I guess what I want is the friend I had to come back. You know Apa, I really want to talk to him and ask what the problem is but I'm afraid that he's just going to ignore me again and it will just make me feel hurt badly again. If you want to know the truth, I'm so sick of being hurt all the time. I haven't been crying for months but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I just know that there are things that can't be washed away by tears. If you are being treated as if you are the most unimportant person for someone you always wish to be someone special to, crying is never gonna make things better. So why would I waste my time crying if it won't even make any difference? I'm not going to lie to you, there are a friggin' lot of times that I feel the sudden need to cry (like right now), but I want to be strong so that I could manage to hold on to what I am trying to keep in my tight grip for a long time — our friendship. But it always breaks me to realize every single day that I am the only one who fights for it while he just enjoys it seeing me suffering this much. Ralph Jhonel is always so unfair to me. I never asked him to love me back because I know it's impossible. I just want him to be my friend for the last remaining days of my life. I try so hard to make wonderful memories but they always turn out to be the ugliest memories of my life. And the more I try to make things better, the more they become worse. Now Ralph Jhonel see me as a joke. But really, can a person in tears be a joke? Well maybe — just maybe — if you are Ralph Jhonel, it will be a joke for you.

I don't really know if we're going to be friends again. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, it wouldn't really matter if things aren't going to be the same again. What's going to matter would be the fact that I finally have him back. But who am I kidding? Ralph Jhonel changed so much. He's not going to feel bad about me feeling bad. He's not going to cry for me again when he see me cry again. Because I don't matter to him anymore. Because I'm not his friend anymore.

Hey Apa, I'm crying now. But I'm OK. At least Ralph Jhonel is not here to see it. At least he won't see that I am not as strong as what I've been trying to be.

But now I wonder, is it even going to matter to him if I'm strong or not?

I miss Ralph Jhonel so much. I want him to tell me, even for the last time, to stand up and win. I honestly need it now. Because at this point, I'm starting to want to give up the fight.

it's me,
Tuesday

Dear My Closest Friend

August 17, 2011
01:33AM

Hi there!

I know you're still awake, I see you keep posting tweets. I just felt like writing to you, you know. But I don't really have something to tell you. Maybe I just want to talk to someone. You see, I signed up for our college's newsletter team and I want to brag it to everybody. I didn't make it through yet, but I am pretty sure I will.

You know for certain that this is one of my dreams, right? That is why the first thing I did as I got home today was tell you the news. But you still won't reply. Tonight, I sent you another message asking if you could possibly quit ignoring me. I'm not anticipating for a response, of course I'm not! And I can't help but to feel sad about it again. I miss you. Honestly, I don't quite get it why you keep ignoring me. The last thing I remember was we were working on with your magazine and then nothing. Was it wrong helping you out when you need me? Most of the times I just wish you need me everytime so you won't have to keep distant. But I know that when you need me no more, I'm going to be nobody to you again. It always hurts me realizing that, but I just console my self by saying that at the very least, it was you! At least I had time for you, and you for me. Sad, but if that's the way it should always be, I should just always console my self by thinking positive.

Do you know that if you're going to give a damn about me even just once, it would really mean a lot to me? But since you're not doing that, I just had another realization; I don't mean anything to you, so why would you bother spending a little of your attention? I just miss you. After all, we used to be friends. Old friends talk to one another from time to time, don't they? I always envy those people who still talk to their friends after several years. Sometimes I just think to my self, was I never really a good friend? You told me that before, and now I find it hard to delete it from my memory. That is why I'm trying my best to be good enough. But now it seems too late. You're gone.

Dear Photskie, I know you are a busy person. So if you happen to still be reading this up to here, thank you very much. At least you gave me a little of your time and attention; the things I've been asking from you for months. I miss you. Take care. Don't forget.

it's me,
Tuesday

Three Years Ago

August 10, 2011
10:51AM

Dear Apa,

Hello there! I’m trying to cheer up upon writing this letter because my previous letters weren’t really happy letters, were they? And besides, I think I really need to force my self to cheer up since Monday night. You see, I tried to talk to Ralph Jhonel but he just ignored me for the nth time. I really should be used to it, but I just can’t help but to feel sorry for my self for feeling like I am always begging for a little attention which seems like I’m never going to have.

Ralph Jhonel, by the way, is the love of my life. But I was never his love though. But that’s alright. If there is one thing that I am used of right now, it’s the fact that he’s never going to give affection back. He isn’t even willing to give me his attention!

Anyway, I caught him online on Facebook Monday night but I didn’t really plan on bothering him for I know that he just won’t give a damn if I do. But one of my friends advised me that I should at least try to talk to Ralph Jhonel because we never know what could happen next. So I said “Zup?” just to get over with it. I told my friend how I was sure that Ralph Jhonel won’t give a response. My friend told me that she was going to send Ralph Jhonel a chat message to see if he’s going to respond; if he responds to her, then that means that he’s really ignoring me.

After a minute, a chat message came from my friend saying that Ralph Jhonel replied to her chat message. I was like “I told you!” at first but as soon as the thought gradually sinks in my mind, I felt hurt. So Ralph Jhonel isn’t really busy after all, he just don’t want to talk to me – me alone! He talks to everybody but me. My best friend, Jhepmar, confessed when we were at Nelson’s (our friend) house to have some drink that he had been talking to Ralph Jhonel on Facebook chat. But I didn’t really make it a big deal. And then, few nights ago, my twin, Frankie was chatting with Ralph Jhonel and I was even right here in front of this computer to see what they were talking about.

Ralph Jhonel talks to everyone but me! Great! How can I ever get used to it? Three years ago, he spent almost all evenings here at my house; sometimes I didn’t really have to ask him to come. Three years ago, we exchanged text messages 24/7. Three years ago, we had fights and misunderstandings but didn’t last this long. Three years ago, I felt really important. Three years ago, I was special. Three years ago, I had all the reasons to reminisce the previous days and make the most out of the present day and look forward to the next day. Three years ago, I didn’t have to miss him because we were always together. Three years ago, I was the happiest person in this planet. Because three years ago, we were friends.

I’m sorry I can’t really be a cheerful person. If you live my so-called life, you’ll understand. I am trying not to be sentimental in this letter, Apa. But everytime I talk about Ralph Jhonel, there’s no way I’m going to feel glad. I guess he contributed most of the bitterness in me.

I really do hope we can be friends again, but it seems like he don’t feel the same way. Most of the time, I just cry it over. But the hurt keeps on resurrecting itself. Honestly, I don’t know what to do when the time comes that we’re going to see each other again. He’s mad at me. The last thing I asked him was what I did wrong to him. As usual, he didn’t answer. Maybe because there’s really nothing I did at all. It’s either that, or I’m just unaware that the thing I actually did that made him hate me was loving him.

If so, then I guess he just have to hate me forever!

It’s me,

Tuesday