Those Three Words

November 23, 2019

08:27AM

Dear Apa,

I've been saying it a lot in my mind lately. But those three words are the last words I'd like to tell Chad. At least not now. Not anytime soon. It's not that I don't mean it. Maybe I'm just not sure yet whether I really feel this way or not. And besides, I told him at the start that I will not love him more than just a friend. And I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying those damn words. It happened an awful lot of times in the past, I won't let it happen again this time. Not with our friendship.

My favorite photo of us, taken on November 9, 2019

I really don't think I deserve someone like him. He's just too good for me. I don't think I did something good in my life to deserve something beautiful. He's the nicest human being I've ever encountered and I am just a pathetic, desperate emo girl. He deserves real happiness, like what I've been trying to give him. What I deserve is sadness, and that's what I'm used to anyway. It makes me sad realizing all these. But that's the reality. Let's not sugarcoat things just to make it look all better. My life is doomed and I am hopeless. I am really bound to be forever alone.

One day, I know I'll be able to gather all the courage to come up to him and tell him those three words. I just don't want to do it now. I want to stay friends with him. Forever. And I know that confessing will jeopardize this awesome friendship. So for now, I will keep my mouth shut tighter than a clam's shell. I will just cherish what we have right now. Whatever it is. Whatever we are.

it's me,

Tuesday