He's Leaving On A Jetplane

April 05, 2018

02:52PM

Dear Apa,

Look, for the first time since I started writing you letters, I tried to open this one with so much enthusiasm. But you know me, I always find ways for my heart to be miserably broken. And so I deleted five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter and started writing this one instead.

It's ridiculous, I know. 'Coz what I was actually supposed to tell you about was the exciting idea that I finally found a BFF! Would you believe that? It's fucking amazing, isn't it? And it's ironic 'coz the fact that someone actually doesn't mind my psychotic personality and chooses to be my friend should already make me jump up and down in total delight. I mean, finding my self a bestfriend should be considered as a miracle and we should be celebrating it. But look at me, dragging my self again into my vicious way of finding sadness out of the good stuff. Yes, I'm still an emo like that!

You can't blame me Apa. I woke up this afternoon to a Facebook chat from him. He sent me that crying smiley or whatever you may call it, and I knew right on that he wanted to tell me something. My first instinct was to ask what's wrong. And then he told me the news I was dreading to hear in the past two months or so.

Yes, I already know he's leaving on a jetplane because he told me about it—it was a secret I promised to keep. And the days after his revelation were the most crucial for me. I don't pray Apa, you know that. But since he told me he would be leaving one day, I prayed the same prayer every single day on my way to work, asking a god I don't even believe in, to make each day not the day he would finally break the news in my face. And for two months, I actually thought that my prayers were being heard.

I didn't want to respond to his chat message when he told me what was happening. My initial reaction was to freeze, staring at the tentative date he said he would be leaving. I felt like crying, but I'm supposed to be his friend right? I'm supposed to support him in everything he does. And I'm supposed to console him when he's feeling down because he's my bestfriend—regardless if he considers me as his bestfriend too or not. It's my job. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

It's been an hour now since he broke the saddest news, and my heart has been breaking since then. I know it will keep on breaking, little by little, until the day he would finally leave. By then my heart would already be shattered. And shattered as it may be, I know it would still be hurting.

Tell me, do you think I now have all the rights to delete five paragraphs of an enthusiastic letter to write you this heartbreaking one? My life will never be happy Apa, just deal with it. I was doomed to eternal sadness. In real life, there's no such thing as forever. In real life, nothing lasts for long. In my life, there's just simply nothing. I am cursed to lose everything I have.

it's me,

Tuesday