Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

April 14, 2018

01:47AM

Dear Apa,

I know I should already be sleeping as I have work tomorrow, but I just feel like writing to you first because I've been feeling down and lonely—again. What's new, right?

Look, the more I don't wanna think about it, the more it tries to squeeze its way into my conciousness. I hate it. I mean, I know I shouldn't feel paranoid or anything but what drags on and what I am painfully aware of is the fact that my bestfriend is gonna leave for Canada in a few weeks. I know I should be happy for him. It was, after all, a dream-come-true for him. And if you wanna know the truth, I am really happy for him. But maybe, just maybe, the reason as to why I'm feeling kinda emotional about him leaving is the possibility that we will never be the same again when he comes back.

You can say that I'm just overthinking, but come to think of it, we were only bestfriends or friends or whatever for just a couple of months now. And to me, our foundation isn't that strong yet and it could easily be cracked and destroyed by the distance and the lack of communication.

Sure you must be thinking, "Hey, there's always Skype!" but do you really expect him to Skype me or whatever when he's already there, some 7 thousand miles away? We don't even chat that much in Facebook to begin with. And besides, I would just bore him when we talk via videochat 'coz you know me, I'm not good with conversation.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for my self Apa. Because now that I found my self a real bestfriend, it is also now that he needs to go. It's just two months, fine. But things can change in those two months. Things nowadays happen and change quickly. Just like how our friendship happened, it all happened too fast. Too fast that I now wonder if we actually really know each other. How can I be sure that we will still be friends after this? It's ridiculous to distrust him, but let's just try to be more realistic here. It feels like I am just exaggerating my place in his life.

You know me, I'm clingy and annoying and I get attached to people way too quickly and then I get paranoid and I think they hate me and then I get sad and lonely and my self esteem drops lower than it already is. Welcome to my life!

I'm sorry Apa if I'm always difficult. I'm crying now 'coz it frustrates me. What frustrates me is the fact that I will miss him but I don't wanna miss him. I want to act cool but inside, I'm really dying. I want to be his bestfriend but I won't even pass as a regular friend or whatever. I am hopeless.

Still, I wanna thank him for the memories even though they weren't so great.

it's me,

Tuesday