This Is Where I'm At

July 09, 2018

01:46AM

Dear Apa,

I’m writing this letter trying to set up my mood with some music but when I checked on Frankie’s playlist on this laptop, nothing really suits what I’m actually feeling right now. The truth is, I don’t know what I should be listening to since I honestly don’t know for certain what I’m feeling. It’s been a while since I last wrote, and to be frank, I already forgot how I was feeling in the previous letter. I know it probably was about Luke, and that’s exactly why I seem to have forgotten the feeling. See it’s been a while since Luke suddenly vanished from my life. I mean, not entirely but he just went AWOL from work one day without a warning—just a stupid chat message saying that he can no longer continue on the day he stopped going to work. That day, I didn’t know what to do. I was never prepared to start my life without him, and to be honest, I thought I couldn’t make it. To picture my self at work without him saddened me. And when it happened, I was devastated. What dragged on and what I was painfully aware of was the fact that he never told me about his plans to quit his job. And I was supposed to be his bestfriend! I mean, I saw all the signs. Weeks before he left, he was already telling me about the job offering he got in Canada and that he never really plans on coming back home. I tried to be happy for him because who was I to complain, right?

Don’t get me wrong now, I really am happy for him. I believe I already said it a couple of times before. I know it was a dream-come-true for him and I don’t want to get in his way to pursuing it. I guess I just got hurt when he left without telling me. He could at least said he was never going to work again before he did so. I would have kept it a secret. I mean, Luke knows I am good at keeping his secrets. I never even told you one, to think that you are the one I always tell everything to. Now you might ask, why the hell am I telling you this now if I’m supposed to keep his secrets? Well, his reason for quitting his job is no longer a secret. Everyone knows about it now.

We met after a few days though, I think it was the 15th of June—two days before my birthday. We went to one of our friends’ house to secretly celebrate. “Secretly” because we didn’t tell anyone Luke was throwing a blowout for my birthday. It was just me, him and Cecil (the owner of the house we went to celebrate my birthday to). It was the only secret I told the others to just because they won’t stop asking me if I already talked to Luke after his infamous AWOL. I told everyone we were together that night because I supposed he wouldn’t mind.

I almost didn’t make it to work the following day. I guess I was too wasted that Luke had to let me sleep over at his house. He woke me up at 2PM because I believe I told him to. And I went to work with a terrible headache and no makeup on. And that was the last time I saw him.

Things rapidly went back to normal for everyone, they all seemed to have moved on instantly and went business as usual. And even when I couldn’t catch up, I had to pretend that everything’s alright, that I too had moved on. I didn’t think it was easy pretending but it helped that no one ever mentioned Luke’s name again, at least I didn’t have to talk about him anymore. But of course, I am my own worst enemy. I remember him in all I do at work because hey, I used to do all that with him every single day. It was his fault. I was fine being a loner all my life until he came along. After he quit his job, and after I was left with no one, I had to be a loner all over again. Not that I became greedy for attention or anything, truth is I actually wouldn’t want to be with anyone if it isn’t Luke. I’d rather stay antisocial again.

I had a conversation with Ronie (my previous trainer from my previous account) where I confessed about how I was feeling with all that happened. I know I already have you Apa. I know you’ve always been the one I tell everything to. But this time, I wanted someone who could actually tell me that everything’s gonna be alright. And Ronie gave me that assurance. Now he’s got one of my secrets which I hope he could keep. I mean, it isn’t really like a top secret or something. I’m not sure if this can even be considered a secret because I don’t really hide it, I just don’t tell people about it. And besides, Ronie said he knew I have a thing for Luke and that he thought Luke realizes it too which makes everything clear that this isn’t a secret after all. Anyway, after my conversation with Ronie, a weight had been lifted. It was a relief to have someone else know about how I really feel for Luke. At least now I don’t have to keep it to my self any more. But of course I’m not telling anyone else. It’s just between you, me and Ronie. I know I’m posting this letter to my blog and I’m risking this so-called secret to be unveiled for practically everyone on the internet to see and find out. But hey, no one really reads my blog. You don’t even read my blog Apa, and to think that my posts are letters intended for you to read. But to be fair with you, you don’t really know I’ve been writing you all these crap. But if in any chance you come across this blog and read all my letters, can you tell me if this is where I’m really at? Am I really so alone that the only person I confide on to doesn’t know he’s being confided on to? Am I this desperate for someone to listen—or read—about my not-so-picture-perfect life stories?

Well maybe I am desperate. I am desperate to tell the right people what I gotta tell them. Desperate enough to tell someone else I love him instead of telling that to Luke. I don’t want to stay this desperate Apa. But my life itself is already desperate enough. I am desperate in practically everything in life. I’m even desperate to look for a music that could perfectly match how I’m feeling upon starting this letter. So yeah, I guess this is where I’m at now.

it's me,

Tuesday