Summer Forever

March 21, 2016

12:00PM

Dear Apa,

Hey there!

My body is currently at a state of extreme tiredness and my muscles are aching. But that's okay, because the reason for that is FUN!

We went swimming yesterday! Yay!

Here's a video of me, Frankie and Abbey on our way to Calumpit, Bulacan.


I had so much fun, although I planned on forgetting about JC even for just a day but I didn't manage. Ugh! He was on my mind all day, but yeah, I still enjoyed our getaway because I was with my sisters.

it's me,

Tuesday

SepAnx

March 13, 2016

02:29PM

Dear Apa,

Okay, I know this is gonna be a news for you because 1.) You know me, I was never really the friendly kind, and 2.) This is the first time I've felt some sort of separation anxiety. I didn't think I'd be having this feeling. To start with, I don't have feelings—or so I thought. And besides, I should already be immune to being left behind by the people I care about.

Last Friday, we finally graduated from our Learning Lab. And the thought of having to go on our own separate ways makes me really sad. It's depressing. I can't believe it's over now. Those friends—the "Tough Ten", as I secretly call our wave (or what's left of it, at least)—and our TL and SMEs are people who really matter to me. Can you believe it Apa? I made friends! You see, I'm no longer anti-social (just anti-Christ. LOL). But when I already started getting closer to them, it is also when I need to let them go.

Maybe that's really how it goes in this industry, people just come and go. It might be depressing but I guess I just have to deal with it. Maybe, at the back of my mind, what I really worry about is how I'm gonna start over again. I'm gonna meet a new set of people from my new team, but are they gonna be like the Tough Ten? Are they gonna be my friends too? It's ridiculous to compare these two sets of people—or anyone else for that matter—but I guess, what I'm trying to tell you is that it's not everyday that I make friends. It's not everyday that I meet people like the Tough Ten. They made a mark in my heart, and it's too prominent enough that it won't be easy to erase.

I know you must be thinking "Give your new team mates a chance to make friends with you". I know you wanna say it 'coz you're kind like that. Okay. I'll try. But if it didn't work, I promise I'll be fine. Because at the end of the day, I'll still be having you Apa. You're the only friend who will never ever leave me. That I am sure about.

it's me,

Tuesday

The White Light, The Prism and The Spectrum

March 07, 2016

07:59AM

Dear Apa,

I feel really gloomy. I just wrote a letter for JC and it's sad to know that I'm gonna have to let him go. Man, is my life ever gonna change? I've been writing you letters for many years now yet I'm still confiding nothing but how desperate I am. I am so hopeless. I think I'm just gonna die like this.

Anyway, here's what I wrote for him:

March 07, 2016

02:28AM

Joven,

Okay. I honestly don't know how to start with this letter because, to begin with, I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. I guess my fingers are just itching to type anything and you are all I've been thinking of the whole day. I have nothing to say. Or at least nothing at the moment. But since I already started writing, I know my mind will bring up something relevant to talk about.

I know I've never been like a best friend to you, given the fact that we've only known each other for two months. If it only was long enough, maybe I've made an adequate effort to be the best. But there is no such thing as forever—this friendship has to end sooner or later. So let me make the most out of this letter and tell you what I have to say, before it's too late.

To Alas: You!!! You're the reason why I fell in love in the first place. Why did you have to be such a pain in the ass? And how the hell did you know that I'm gonna get attracted to Joven when he is being a brat? But thank you very much. If it wasn't for you, I'm never gonna notice him. Remember that time when I sat beside him in process training? You were always around. That was the time I stared to his face for the first time, thinking how interesting he was. It was crazy, if you wanna know the truth. Crazy in the sense that I got attracted to Joven for being masungit like that. "Alas!", I'd always scream in my head. But the more you hate, the more you start learning to love. And you won, congratulations. I couldn't stop thinking of him since. Whatever you did, it was a job well done.

To Denton: Hey there charming one. I really appreciate how you make Joven happy sometimes. And seeing him happy makes me float in the air like a ball of fluffy cloud. If I only like cherubins, I'd consider you one. Thank you for showing up when I need to see you. You are my drug, and I love the high you bring. If I was a Buddhist, I'd say it was nirvana. But how come you seldom show up? Joven needs you more than anyone else. He needs to be happy all the time because that way, he influences a lot of people to be happy too.

I know you'd stick around even when I'm already gone. Until then I'm gonna be relieved to know he still manages to be happy. I know Joven and I are not gonna be friends anymore, so I'm leaving him for you to look after. Keep him happy. I'd still wanna see him like that.

To Ose: You are very clever. And why am I not surprised? You are not gonna be called a demon for nothing. And if only I don't bow my head to the masters of hell, I'm sure I'm hating you right now. I wanted to get rid of you, to scream for you to go back to the burning pits of hell, to be engulfed by the flames and to rot slowly and brutally. But you're gonna like that, don't you? And I'm sure you'd be waiting for me to come home to our kingdom—arms wide open, a menacing smile on your face. Don't you worry my friend, I'll see you there.

To Major: Hello stranger. It's nice to finally see you. I almost thought you don't exist, but who am I kidding? Right? Why did I ever think Joven doesn't have you in him? I am such a fool.

But thank you for introducing your self. I appreciate that you showed up sooner, before I get caught up in a disastrous tangle and can't escape. But to be honest with you, it hurt me when I met you. I cried, if you wanna know the truth. I felt terribly sad to learn that my game is over. I am ashamed. Too ashamed to look you in the eye, let alone hold my head up. I'm sorry. I mean it. If I could only take back what I told Joven, I'd do everything to take it back. But I love him, so much as a matter of fact. But it ends there. I'm never gonna tell him that again—because I don't have the rights. Thank you for making me realize that.

To Joven: Look, I'm really sorry I called you a lot of different names. But keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything. If there's someone insane enough, it's me. It's me who is always coming up with a lot of stupid, schizophrenic ideas. I'm a freak like that. So you can just keep away from me.

In Physics class back in high school, we were taught about the Dispersion of Light. A white light remains a white light until it passes through a prism, and that's only when it's gonna be dispersed into a spectrum. That's how our so-called "friendship" goes. You are the white light, and I am the prism. It is only me who is bringing out your spectrum of different personalities with different names. It's all my fault. And I'm sorry.

Now, come to think of it. What would happen if you take the prism out of the way? The spectrum will be gone. And the ray of light will continue travelling as a white light. So let's take me—your prism—out of the equation so you could be just the white light you really are. If there's no more prism, there's only a white light. If there's no more Tuesday, there's only Joven. Just you alone. I promise I'm never gonna call you by any other name anymore.

***

I'm sorry if all these things don't make any sense. I told you I really have nothing to say. But if you're still reading this letter up to this point, thank you. It makes me feel like I matter.

P.S. Do you think it's possible for us to just forget what I confessed to you? I'm taking it back. Sorry.

it's me,

Tuesday

I'm not sure if he's gonna read it though. But does it matter? I guess what matters now is the fact that I'm gonna be out of his way. I know it's hard to deal with the deranged and psychopathic me. And I don't want him to think that I'll be sticking around like a clingy, obsessed asshole. But I love him, Apa. I really fucking do. The only reason why I want to distance from him is because I don't want him to deal with me anymore. I can be too depressed, you know. And I'm not sure I'm not gonna start harming my self again if this stupid feeling grows deeper. I love him, but I want to keep it like that. I know my ground right now, and if I stay in his life, I might need more. I'm so tired of needing. I'm so fucking tired of loving someone who doesn't give a shit. And keeping a distance between us is preventing my self to love him more. That way, the hurt won't grow more unbearable.

I'm going to sleep now. Soon I'll be telling you a happy story. Or maybe not. My life will never be happy.

it's me,

Tuesday

Iwanu Ga Hana

March 06, 2016

09:37PM

Dear Apa,

Today, I learned that I shouldn't say everything I feel. It took me so many years to finally realize that.

This morning, I confessed to JC about how I really feel for him. I actually didn't sleep all night because I was waiting for him to go online on Facebook so I could chat with him. At around 6 in the morning, he sent me a "good morning". I didn't waste time, I told him I love him right away.

You know me Apa, you know that I never had any problems confessing about my feelings towards guys I really like. You know that I would never mind how they'd react to that too. And that's exactly what I thought I'd still be when I sent that stupid message to JC. But to my surprise, I felt really bad. It felt really awkward. And right then and there, I wished I could just turn back time and change everything. I wanted to take back what I said. I wanted to punch myself for being such an idiot. Why in the world did I do that? Why did I tell him the truth?

Don't get me wrong, I really love JC. But the thing is, I realized I should've just kept my mouth shut tight like a clam's shell. I shouldn't have said a word and we could have stayed friends. But it's too late, everything is ruined now. This is horrible. It's depressing.

But at least I'm only gonna have to deal with JC for a week as we will already be endorsed to different teams next week. I'm sure he's gonna forget what I said. I'd feel better if he choose to just forget about me.

it's me,

Tuesday

Equilibrium

March 05, 2016

06:33PM

Dear Apa,

Oh my fucking god! I'm so excited for tomorrow.

Last Monday, Rein went here at my house to visit. But she thought I was sleeping, so she just went home. And when I went out to fetch her from our gate, she was already gone. So I called her and asked her why she came over.

"Nothing." She said. "I just missed you."

And I really miss her too. So I told her I'd visit her on my rest day. I promised I'd make some tuna sandwiches and bring them when I go there. It's my rest day today and tomorrow, so we decided to have it tomorrow.

I just came home from WalterMart where I purchased the stuff I need for my sandwiches. And now I just can't wait for tomorrow. I'm gonna start preparing my tuna sandwiches later after I had my hair dyed again.

When I started working again, I promised my self I'm gonna maintain a work-life balance. And ofcourse, social life is part of the "life" side. See when I was with my previous company, I got stuck with just work. I didn't have a social life because during my rest days, I just stayed home and all I did was really rest. My friends would invite me out but I refused each time because I'd rather sleep in at home. But I'm not gonna let that happen again, everything should be balanced—even work and life. Maybe this way, I'm gonna be able to avoid stress like what I always get when I'm working. I know I need this; to relax, to unwind, to socialize.

it's me,

Tuesday

The Words "Best Friend" Become Redefined

March 05, 2016

03:48PM

Dear Apa,

Hey!

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you lately. I apologize but I know you understand. See I have a job now and I don't have that much time anymore, unlike when I was still a worthless, lazy ass. Guess what, there's a possibility for me to be endorsed to production. "Production", by the way, is where our real job happens; where we take in calls. I know I need to make it clear to you 'coz for a musician like you, the word means differently.

Anyway, I made a lot of friends too! Yay! Sure they're all different people with different personalities, from different walks of life, but we all got along quickly. And now that we will be endorsed to different teams next week, I'm starting to feel some sort of separation anxiety or something or whatever. I love that bunch of people, especially JC. And thinking that we will all be separated makes me feel sad somehow.

But who knows? I might make good friends with my future team mates too. I might even find someone like JC — my confidante. You know, it might work. But it might also not. And I know that nothing will ever compare to my friendship with JC. It is something really special and really important to me. That is why I cried hard when we fought the other day for a very stupid reason. I thought I was gonna lose him. It was scary because he's only been my friend for weeks and I don't wanna lose him. I want us to be friends until the end. That's why when he apologized to me, I gave in right away.

But you know what, we never know what we could possibly expect. Life has its own middle finger, and yes, shit happens. I'm not sure if JC also thinks the same about our friendship. But if for him, this friendship is not as special as how I see it then that's just fine. I am used of the hurt anyway.

it's me,

Tuesday