Carpe Diem!

November 19, 2019

03:17PM

Dear Apa,

The ugliest feeling is not knowing what exactly to feel. It's like going crazy. You can't decide between being extremely happy or being deeply sad. Your heart tells you one thing but your mind says otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Like there are two persons fighting somewhere inside me. It could be depression. Or worse.

Sometimes I'm happy, but too happy it makes me sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to find ways to be miserably broken. No matter how good things are going, I find the bad in them. Call it pessimism, but for me, I'm not worthy of good things. This kind of thinking is the reason why I doubt this happiness. And I would end up questioning it and thinking of reasons why I don't deserve this happiness at all. That's me, my own worst detractor.

Our first "date"; November 3, 2019.

Chad and I have been seeing each other for weeks now. We eat out and he walks me home after. Maybe we are "dating" or maybe we're not. But does it matter? What's important is that I make him happy. Or at least that's what he told me. I feel happy with him too. But being the nega star I am, I can't help but doubt if everything between us—whatever it is—is real. My happiness is genuine, I just don't know about him though. And this is why I think twice about this "happiness" I'm feeling. Am I just forcing this? Or is it a real happiness but only exists at the wrong time? Maybe it happened prematurely. Maybe it's too early to feel like this. I'm not sure about Chad's truest intentions—yet

We're having dinner again tonight. I don't know how it's gonna feel like now that I admitted that I'm doubting him. But right now, I just feel elated, just like how I always feel when I'm with him. I'm not gonna spoil this for now. What I'm gonna do is look forward for our dinner date in the next two hours before I go off from my shift (yes, I'm writing this during work. Hehe!), and then I'm just gonna enjoy my time with him later. Live the moment, like what people say. And then I'll deal with my doubts again when I get home, before I sleep. If all these is just pretend, I guess I'm gaining something from it anyway. I become happy, even for just a little while. Now, if this happiness is bound to last for a longer time, then be it. I'll be very thankful for the rest of my life. Not that I think this will last, it's merely just hope. I can still be optimistic sometimes.

it's me,

Tuesday