The Knight-In-Shining Armor, The Angel and Jesus Christ

August 04, 2011

Was there any time in your life that you ever thought of thanking me for the times I made your life easier? Or do you even realize I did those things? I was always there for you. But as sad as it may sound, you weren’t here for me at times that I needed you to be here. Not that I am asking for it, I just think I deserve something in return. I don’t intend to sound greedy for your attention, but I guess I just need to be appreciated. I need you. I know what I say here is ridiculous. I know this is something you won’t believe. Especially that it came from me. I’ve been saying this shit an awful lot since the last three years of our lives, and still I am saying it to you because that is a matter of fact. I don’t want to make a fool of myself any longer that I am going to forget about you soon. Because if I am really capable of doing so, I already have taken you out of my tiny mind.

I tried! To tell you in all honesty, I tried my best to clear my mind from every single memory of you. But God knows it’s the most impossible thing for me. I will never ever forget you in my life. Because, believe it or not, you are my life. I know I always talk shitty; I say things as if my life is a whole saga of dramas. And I know exactly that it is one of the many things you hate about me. But my life is a real mess, if you want to know the truth. And the moment you came into the picture, I thought I found myself a hero; a knight in shining armor. I was a damsel in distress and there you were to slay the dragon of my thoughts. But it wasn’t long before you made me realize that I was just making my own dragon. So you left me to battle my dragon and I will never be the victor. Now with bruises and broken bones, I cry for help. But the knight in shining armor as you are won’t listen. You’re busy slaying your own dragons – real dragons, that is! Not the imaginary dragon like mine. You are fighting a real fight, and I am here watching you in awe as you maneuver your way to slaying your dragon.

Do you know I always admire you? I was always the one to believe in the things you can possibly do. That is why I promised to my self that I will always support you all the way. I tried to make life easier for you; I was there in all the things you did. It still makes me smile whenever I remember the things we did together. And I thank God that He gave me the chance to experience those things. Maybe you are actually an angel, because you make my dreams come true. I dreamt of becoming a film maker, and you made me a film maker. I dreamt of becoming a photographer, you gave me the chance to feel how it feels like to be one when you let me assist you in one of your major projects. I dreamt of becoming an editor, you let me work like one.

I had so much fun in my life and it won’t be possible if it wasn’t because of you. The down part is that the worst thing I had to deal with my life is you as well. But I don’t blame you for it; I don’t blame my self either. I just don’t blame anybody at all. This is just how my life is supposed to be, and I don’t question God about it. Matter of fact, this so-called life got so exciting because it includes you. Or so it did!

There are a lot of questions in my head, and most days I just try to preoccupy my consciousness just to avoid answering those questions. Not that I don’t know the answers to my questions, it is more like I am afraid to learn the truth. Because the truth is going to hurt me so much. If it is true that the truth will set me free, then I don’t want to be free at all. I just want to forever cling to this craziness if it means that I’ll still have you for the last remaining days of my life. Maybe I am hopeless, but I won’t lose hope. I know you will come back.

Today is the 4th day of August, 2011. Tomorrow is the 5th. But does it matter to you? I was the only one to consider the 5th days of every month special, but really, what’s so special about it? July 5th, 2008 was the beginning of my end − the Alpha of my Omega. And to think I have been celebrating this day since the last three years of my life, unaware that what I am actually celebrating is the end of everything for me. But if this end would mean that I lived the most wonderful life I could possibly live because you were a part of it, I know I would die happy. My life is worth living after all. But really, who am I kidding? I don’t have you anymore, I don’t have my life!

Fall Out Boy says in one of their songs, “Thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great!” Thanks for the memories Ralph Jhonel. I know those are not the only memories I am going to have with you. I know that one day we’ll be friends again and forever. One day, I’m going to regain my life. Maybe I am the modern day Jesus Christ and I will resurrect my self when you come back. It may not take only three days − Oh fuck! Not even three years – but at the very least you are coming back, and I will be alive again.

I don’t know if things will be the same as before. OK, let’s not be stupid, things will never ever be the same for the two of us. Wait, was there a thing for the two of us? Was there even a two of us in the first place? Now I’m trying to be humorous here! I don’t want you to think that I am all drama, because that is one of the many things you hate about me. But this is me, my life is a full saga of life dramas. That is why you hate me so much.

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