"Stand up and win!" — RJCG

August 23, 2011


Dear Apa,

I feel miserable right now. I'm sure you're not interested to know why, but since you don't have a choice, I'm going to tell you. I just want Ralph Jhonel back is all! It's not that I'm saying that he was mine for me to wish him back, I guess what I want is the friend I had to come back. You know Apa, I really want to talk to him and ask what the problem is but I'm afraid that he's just going to ignore me again and it will just make me feel hurt badly again. If you want to know the truth, I'm so sick of being hurt all the time. I haven't been crying for months but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I just know that there are things that can't be washed away by tears. If you are being treated as if you are the most unimportant person for someone you always wish to be someone special to, crying is never gonna make things better. So why would I waste my time crying if it won't even make any difference? I'm not going to lie to you, there are a friggin' lot of times that I feel the sudden need to cry (like right now), but I want to be strong so that I could manage to hold on to what I am trying to keep in my tight grip for a long time — our friendship. But it always breaks me to realize every single day that I am the only one who fights for it while he just enjoys it seeing me suffering this much. Ralph Jhonel is always so unfair to me. I never asked him to love me back because I know it's impossible. I just want him to be my friend for the last remaining days of my life. I try so hard to make wonderful memories but they always turn out to be the ugliest memories of my life. And the more I try to make things better, the more they become worse. Now Ralph Jhonel see me as a joke. But really, can a person in tears be a joke? Well maybe — just maybe — if you are Ralph Jhonel, it will be a joke for you.

I don't really know if we're going to be friends again. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, it wouldn't really matter if things aren't going to be the same again. What's going to matter would be the fact that I finally have him back. But who am I kidding? Ralph Jhonel changed so much. He's not going to feel bad about me feeling bad. He's not going to cry for me again when he see me cry again. Because I don't matter to him anymore. Because I'm not his friend anymore.

Hey Apa, I'm crying now. But I'm OK. At least Ralph Jhonel is not here to see it. At least he won't see that I am not as strong as what I've been trying to be.

But now I wonder, is it even going to matter to him if I'm strong or not?

I miss Ralph Jhonel so much. I want him to tell me, even for the last time, to stand up and win. I honestly need it now. Because at this point, I'm starting to want to give up the fight.

it's me,

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