Back To Basics

February 26, 2011
07:13PM

Life had been pretty exciting and totally inspiring in the past week. But now I'm — or should I say, we are — back to basics.

So, what are the basic things between the two of us?

1.) We don't talk to each other (text, Facebook, etc.).

2.) We don't see each other.

3.) I nag about it yet he don't give a fuck.

4.) I find it doubting to post whatever-the-hell I want on his Facebook wall.

5.) I blog all my thoughts instead.

And here I go now, blogging here and it pretty much means that we are really back to basics. Oh my God! It's frustrating.

I Could Not Believe My Eyes!

February 22, 2011
03:41AM

Oh boy! Ralph Jhonel and I are okay now!

Since the day we worked together on every single Muy Leal article (we did some editing, evaluation and stuff), the distance between me and Ralph Jhonel felt narrower. My twin, Frankie, noticed that drastic change too. Ralph Jhonel texts me every-so-often now just to see how have I been. We exchange messages on Facebook. He helps me with stuff. He became interested about our dance competitions. Things he failed to do for a long time.

And to tell you honestly, I my self could not believe it. I never expected he's going to transform back to his old self. I'm really, really thankful to God that He answered my prayers.

From now onwards, I promise to take care of our friendship. I don't want lose him again. This is a chance of a lifetime, so I must do things right.

I Still Love Him!

February 19, 2011
09:49AM

I've been meaning to blog about this but I've been very busy with my Principles of Management reporting series, plus Ralph Jhonel asked me to help him with the articles for Muy Leal.

The other night, Cryptic Illusion (my dance group) underwent the elimination for Lumbac, Pulilan dance contest. We agreed to meet meet up at Robinsons Pulilan at 6PM, so Frankie and I came there on time. Our group mates weren't there yet so we waited for them outside. After few sticks of Marlboro, I got startled by someone who hugged me real tight from behind. I wasn't able to turn around and see who it was because he was holding me tight.

"Sino ba 'to?" I kept asking for how many times, but the guy did not answer. Suddenly, I had a feeling it was him and I asked "Sino ba 'to?" for the last time. He finally let me go. And when he walked to my front to show himself, it turned out that my guess was right. It was him, in the flesh. Jaypee Rivera. My favorite ex.

I fought the urge to cry. Man, I missed him so much. I've been wanting to see him again. God knows I already have forgiven Jaypee for what he did to me. And that very moment he was there right in front of me, looking into my eyes as if asking for apology, I knew that whatever happened between us in the past doesn't matter to me any more.

"O bakit?" I asked as his gaze bury into my eyes. He just smiled and shook his head. He's never changed, I realized. And so as the feeling I have for him.

That's What You Get!

February 19, 2011
08:21AM

Good morning! I just finished helping Ralph Jhonel with his "dilemma" as the Editor-in-Chief of Muy Leal magazine. We actually started working together since the other night, but because we are far apart, it became really difficult for us to do our thing. As a result, we ended up skipping sleep last night.

Yes, I still haven't slept! My head is in pain right now and I feel nauseated. To make things worse, I gained a freakin' lot of zits around my face and my eyebags look like I haven't slept for milleniums. I decided to take pictures of my self in my current state — for fun! Look what I've got!

A close look at my eyebag!

The friggin' zits!

The sticky face!

That's what you get when you abuse your body. But like what I told Ralph Jhonel earlier, everything is worth all the efforts. In my case, it's all worth the sacrifices. Imagine, I sacrificed beauty! Let us all groan!

Kidding aside, I hope I helped Ralph Jhonel a lot that things are easier for him now. I know he had a tremendous share of hard times being the EIC, that's why I did not hesitate when he asked me to help him out. I feel fortunate that at least I experienced being an editor, even if I'm not going to gain any credits for that.

Maybe Ralph Jhonel is really an angel sent by God for me to make some of my greatest dreams come true; making a movie and editing for a magazine. OMG! I still haven't

fulfilled being a radio jock and being a rockstar! Hey Photskie, make those dreams come true! LOL!

Happy Hurt's Day! I Mean, Hearts Day!

February 14, 2011

10:43AM

Hi there! I missed updating this blog. It's a quarter past 10 in the morning but I don't have classes anymore. I only have 2 classes to attend to every Monday; Principles of Management and Communication Skills 2.

I started my day by putting heavy eyeliners on because it's Valentines day and it is a dark occasion for me. And because people are supposed to celebrate Valentines day with someone, I decided to spend it with Mary Ellen — my porcelain doll. I took dark photos with her before I leave for school and put the best one as my mobile's wallpaper image.






And since Valentines day is always thought of with hearts and the color red, I decided to incorporate it to my outfit:

1. Avon Fashions Zoe panty in red.
2. I "heart" Comfort school shoes.
3. New Look bag which has a huge heart on it, and
4. Red, my voodoo doll given by my ex-bestfriend, Red Golpeo (I pinned the doll on my bag).




And so it's Valentines day. But really, I don't see anything special about this day. To me, it's just like any other ordinary days.

In my Communication Skill 2 class, Mr. Guinto asked me something out of nowhere. We were doing some seat works then, so everyone was silently concentrating on their stuff. So every single soul heard it when Mr. Guinto asked, "Tuesday, are go going out on a date with Ralph today?"

I was caught by surprise, I thought Mr. Guinto was so nosy. How on earth did he know about me and Ralph Jhonel. But I answered anyway.

"We're not going out on a date today or tomorrow or whenever. We're just not going out on a date at all. We are not okay at the moment."

He didn't give any follow-ups to that, and so it was over.

Man, how many people actually think Ralph Jhonel and I are okay?

How many think we are still the same? Valentines day is not a special day. It will never be an exception for the complications between me and Ralph Jhonel. He never showed himself up on Christmas season, what more on a lame occasion such as today?

I Report

February 10, 2011
11:13PM

I am always fund of reporting in my classes since high school. Whenever professors assign me to do a reporting, I would always devote my time, attention and energies to it. Most times — if not always — I'd even ask my prof to give me an individual reporting task rather than having to work in a group with parasitical group mates. I'd rather work on it by my self than to suffer from the big time exhaustion I'd probably get from having to monitor a group if members are or if they aren't working on with their tasks. Call me a perfectionist but when it comes to class reporting, I want every little detail to be flawless. So to save my ass from dumb suckers — err, dependent group mates — and to make sure I can be able to make the best report, I'd choose to do it alone.

So I talked to Mr. Pascual to ask for permission to work on a report by my self. I was actually supposed to be working with group mates but since Mr. Pascual allowed me to go solo, I texted our group leader, Princess, and told her to count me out of the group. She won't let me go, so she talked to Mr. Pascual and she managed to make him tell me to report with Princess' group today and go solo next week. WTF? Two freakin' reports? That's crazy! But Mr. Pascual said he's going to give me separate grades for the two reports, so I was tempted and gave in.

Princess handed me the purple folder where our written report was in and told me to read on about Informal Structure of whatever-the-fuck. I was only given about 15 minutes to review and then I had to stand in front of our Principles of Management class and report. I was hardly nervous, I was sure I can get over with it with no sweat. And I did!

After the class, Mr. Pascual talked to me about the topic I have to report about next week. He ordered me to work on with 5 more topics; Chain of Command, Centralization & Decentralization, Barriers to Communication, Staffing and Coordinating and Management Guru: Phillip B. Crosby (I am currently reading my researches and I plan to do more reasearches.)

I feel a little pressured now, knowing that Mr. Pascual expects a lot from me and my report. But I know I can be able to meet his expectations, I am positive about it. I would want to impress him because it would mean making it up with my absences last cheer team days. I know this will make up for my grades, so I'm going to do this right.

Assignment in Communication Skills 2: Paragraph Development by Examples

February 09, 2011
01:00AM

I had an awful lot of memorable experiences in my so-called life, and most of them I had experienced with Ralph Jhonel Gatmaitan. A perfect example would be the moment we were introduced to each other by our common friends. It was July 5th, 2008. The guys came over at my house by invitation to have a drinking session (all my friends are guys), and Ralph Jhonel came over. I was really kinda pissed at first because 1.) I barely even knew him, 2.) I never invited him over, and 3.) I though he was kinda dorky. But as the night grew deeper, I realized he isn't really boring; we share a friggin' lot of interests in common, we listen to the same kinds of music, we support the same bands and we even had the same SMS alert tones in our mobiles. I felt so fortunate that I met someone I've been trying find for God-knows-how-long. What's memorable about it is that I fell in love with him in an instant when he came over at my house the following morning and I saw how cute his smile is for the first time when he flashed those pearly-whites at me and greeted me "Good morning!". Oh his smile, it is the best sight in the world — for me, at least! As another example, the moment I came up to him to finally confess about my feelings for him makes it as one of my most memorable experiences. It was the 11th day of October, 2008, just 3 months after we were introduced. The night was almost perfect; we had pizza and beers, our friends were all there and we had our usual inuman night. It took me all the bits of courage I can ever muster to finally confess. So we were there, tears streamed down our faces, nothing was heard but deep sobs and sniffs in between and we were both motionless. I waited for what felt like milleniums for him to say a word, but his mouth was shut tighter than clam's shell. So I whispered, "Thanks for everything!" and I turned my back at him and left. Another example is the most recent memorable experience I had with him. I started feeling invisible to Ralph Jhonel since the previous Christmas break. God knows how frustrating it is for me, but God also knows I totally understand. Distance always was a pain in the ass, and the fact that I can't go to UST just to see him never fails to remind me that life has its own middle finger aimed on me. What hurts more is that he don't tell me and our friends whenever he is coming home here in Bulacan, let alone text us to say hi and check how we've been. I guess I had enough. Maybe I'm sick of hoping upon hope that he's transforming back to the old Ralph Jhonel we all knew and befriended. So I decided to quit waiting. I'm trying to forget him. It's ridiculous, I know, but the only way to escape the pain of being jailed in bitter memories is to let go and move on. But can I even get him off my conciousness and totally forget about him? I don't think so! I will never forget him for the life of me. I don't want to spend the remaining days of my entire life without Ralph Jhonel in it. There is no way I can be able to forget him. That is why when Mr. Guinto asked us to write about our most unforgettable experiences, the only thing I can manage to talk about is Ralph Jhonel. And if I ever bump my head and have an amnesia, I still want to remember him. Nothing more, just him alone.

Hangover

February 08, 2011
05:48PM

It ruined half of of my day! I failed to go to school, I failed to meet up with my group mates to plan for Thursday's Principles of Management report, and I've been in bed most of the day. I hate hangovers, but I guess it's all worth the dizziness, the headache and the need to vomit.

I was walking with Frankie yesterday from the internet café and then we saw Bunso and he told me, "Inom tayo men?". I missed my "mga men" so much, so I told him to count me in. I texted all the others immediately, good thing they all agreed to show up.

I made it to Bunso's new apartment at around 9 o'clock in the evening but the others weren't there yet so I decided to wait for them and I just chit-chatted with Bunso's mom. It's been a very long time since I last saw them. Bunso's mom asked why I haven't been coming over to their place for a long time, especially to their previous apartment. I told her I've been very busy with school. Honestly, I feel bad to fail paying these people a visit, they are the most welcoming of all the families I know.

Jhepmar finally came after an hour or so. My God, I missed my bestfriend more than I missed everyone else. I was really pleased that he took an effort to show up. It meant a lot to me.

After a while, Windol came. It's kinda funny, if you wanna know the truth. I noticed he gained lots of weight and when I asked, "Tumataba ka yata men?", it felt weird. Weird because it sounded like we really haven't been seeing each other.

So we started drinking the friggin' Emperador Light — to my dismay! And we talked about lots of things, catching up. Man, that's my idea of heaven; drinking marathon with mga men, metal music on the background, taking drags after drags on our cigarettes (and that other thing that emits smoke). But at some point during the night, they suddenly mentioned Ralph Jhonel's name -- the last person I wanted to talk about. What I did was I devoted my time to my mobile, texting with Nics Guevarra, pretending I wasn't hearing mga men's rantings about Ralph Jhonel, of all topics! But they are my mga men, there's no way I'm not saying a thing when Ralph Jhonel's the topic. So they asked me if I still talk to Ralph Jhonel, I told them the bitter truth. It turned out they don't get any news about Ralph Jhonel anymore, except Jhepmar who claimed he often chats with Ralph Jhonel on Facebook. I asked them if they were told that Ralph Jhonel was here last Christmas break, they said they weren't. I was so surprised. Ralph Jhonel can't do that to his friends, especially mga men. They felt really hurt and we decided to quit talking about Ralph Jhonel any more.

It's sad, if you wanna know the truth. I've been doing my best to keep the friendship between Ralph Jhonel and my mga men, but my best wasn't good enough and things became too complicated that they suddenly became impossible to manipulate. Ralph Jhonel is changed, it turned out to be a fact that each and every one of us is well aware of. I suddenly wanted to do something about it to save the friendship, but I know I just can't change things now to bring it back to the way things were. Ralph Jhonel won't give a fuck about us any more, he proved it when he never mentioned to anybody he was here.

Maybe we just try to understand Ralph Jhonel. I know that when he finally decides to waste his time to us, my mga men will still treat him just like the old days. We were never like Ralph Jhonel, we don't turn our backs to our friendship.

My Journey

February 06, 2011
03:08AM

I haven't been updating this blog for days already, I lack inspirations nowadays — or maybe there are things I don't want to talk about and I know I'm just going to rant them all out when I start blogging again? For one, Ralph Jhonel is not keeping in touch anymore and I miss him a friggin' lot but I don't want to tell him about it. I always want to ask him how he's been but he's just going to ignore me. IKR. Yesterday was our 2nd year and 7th month, but things are different now so I just posted my greeting on his Facebook wall which says "a'singko pala boi.. dos siete! ÜÜÜ" just for the sake of the tradition of greeting him every month. I knew he's not going to give a damn about it. He just won't give a damn about me at all. I really want to have the chance to talk to him, but I have this "journey" to travel on. It's a journey to go some place away from him; where I can't remember him and where no one's going to remind me of him. I hate to do this, I don't want to do this. But I don't want to be jailed by his memories either. God knows how frustrating and painful it is to keep waiting, knowing that he's never coming at all. Sometimes I just wish to die so I can finally escape this fucked-up life. Maybe when I die, he's finally going to notice me, he might even spend time to go here and see me. Maybe he's going to finally acknowledge my existence, or my absence for that matter. I can only imagine how happy I'm going to be that I made a way to make him notice me. But sometimes the thought of dying depresses me. Sure Ralph Jhonel is coming over to my wake, but I won't be able to bid him my goodbye, I'm never gonna be able to touch his face and tell him I love him and I'm sorry for breaking my promise that I'll be right here waiting. Those thoughts make me sad. And I hate my self for ever thinking those things and I wish to die more. I hate my self. I can't make my self satisfied with whatever the fuck I have in my life. I keep wanting more. And when I say "more", it means Ralph Jhonel. But reality bites, he's never coming to rescue me. Not even to save me from dying.

In my journey, I'm learning a lot of things. And I'm starting to discover a lot more. So I started hating lots of people. There's this one person who's been devoting all her time to keeping herself a pain in my ass. She's so insensitive! She knows very well how I hate hearing anything about Ralph Jhonel because 1.) It makes me miss him more, and 2.) I'm in this so-called journey to forgetting him. But this girl, she seems to do it on purpose and I want to kill her. I told her I don't want to hear about Ralph Jhonel but she keeps on bitching about it. So I texted Ralph Jhonel and told him about it but he — as usual — did not give a fuck. It's depressing! I pity my self that I seem to be invisible and that girl, she always have a news to tell about Ralph Jhonel. I mean, I am the long-time friend Ralph Jhonel yet I don't have something to brag about. Most of the time, it just makes me cry. It's hard to accept that Ralph Jhonel has his new set of friends now; those who he talks with everyday, those who always sees him, those who don't have to beg just to attract his attention. I'm happy for him. But for the few who's been his friends when he still don't have that new set of friends, I feel sad. We can't talk to him anymore, we can't go to Beato or to some DMST Office or to Camp Rap or wherever just to see him, we can't take wacky pictures with him or witness how "hot" he is in V-neck shirts. We can't have Ralph Jhonel like how they have him. It tears up my heart.

But I'm happy for him. If it makes him happy, it can't be that bad. I just can't help but to feel sad that things had to change. I'm just sorry for my self. So, to be able to leave all these pain behind, I decided to travel along this journey to forgetting him. It's hard, more like a suicide attempt. When I die, it's only when I'm going to reach the end of my journey for it is only when I'm going to manage to forget him. I hope he won't worry that I might fail reaching the end of my journey. I'm gonna make it.