My Journey

February 06, 2011


I haven't been updating this blog for days already, I lack inspirations nowadays — or maybe there are things I don't want to talk about and I know I'm just going to rant them all out when I start blogging again? For one, Ralph Jhonel is not keeping in touch anymore and I miss him a friggin' lot but I don't want to tell him about it. I always want to ask him how he's been but he's just going to ignore me. IKR. Yesterday was our 2nd year and 7th month, but things are different now so I just posted my greeting on his Facebook wall which says "a'singko pala boi.. dos siete! ÜÜÜ" just for the sake of the tradition of greeting him every month. I knew he's not going to give a damn about it. He just won't give a damn about me at all. I really want to have the chance to talk to him, but I have this "journey" to travel on. It's a journey to go some place away from him; where I can't remember him and where no one's going to remind me of him. I hate to do this, I don't want to do this. But I don't want to be jailed by his memories either. God knows how frustrating and painful it is to keep waiting, knowing that he's never coming at all. Sometimes I just wish to die so I can finally escape this fucked-up life. Maybe when I die, he's finally going to notice me, he might even spend time to go here and see me. Maybe he's going to finally acknowledge my existence, or my absence for that matter. I can only imagine how happy I'm going to be that I made a way to make him notice me. But sometimes the thought of dying depresses me. Sure Ralph Jhonel is coming over to my wake, but I won't be able to bid him my goodbye, I'm never gonna be able to touch his face and tell him I love him and I'm sorry for breaking my promise that I'll be right here waiting. Those thoughts make me sad. And I hate my self for ever thinking those things and I wish to die more. I hate my self. I can't make my self satisfied with whatever the fuck I have in my life. I keep wanting more. And when I say "more", it means Ralph Jhonel. But reality bites, he's never coming to rescue me. Not even to save me from dying.

In my journey, I'm learning a lot of things. And I'm starting to discover a lot more. So I started hating lots of people. There's this one person who's been devoting all her time to keeping herself a pain in my ass. She's so insensitive! She knows very well how I hate hearing anything about Ralph Jhonel because 1.) It makes me miss him more, and 2.) I'm in this so-called journey to forgetting him. But this girl, she seems to do it on purpose and I want to kill her. I told her I don't want to hear about Ralph Jhonel but she keeps on bitching about it. So I texted Ralph Jhonel and told him about it but he — as usual — did not give a fuck. It's depressing! I pity my self that I seem to be invisible and that girl, she always have a news to tell about Ralph Jhonel. I mean, I am the long-time friend Ralph Jhonel yet I don't have something to brag about. Most of the time, it just makes me cry. It's hard to accept that Ralph Jhonel has his new set of friends now; those who he talks with everyday, those who always sees him, those who don't have to beg just to attract his attention. I'm happy for him. But for the few who's been his friends when he still don't have that new set of friends, I feel sad. We can't talk to him anymore, we can't go to Beato or to some DMST Office or to Camp Rap or wherever just to see him, we can't take wacky pictures with him or witness how "hot" he is in V-neck shirts. We can't have Ralph Jhonel like how they have him. It tears up my heart.

But I'm happy for him. If it makes him happy, it can't be that bad. I just can't help but to feel sad that things had to change. I'm just sorry for my self. So, to be able to leave all these pain behind, I decided to travel along this journey to forgetting him. It's hard, more like a suicide attempt. When I die, it's only when I'm going to reach the end of my journey for it is only when I'm going to manage to forget him. I hope he won't worry that I might fail reaching the end of my journey. I'm gonna make it.

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