Can I Turn to You?

January 13, 2011
11:29PM

Dear H,

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I've been thinking of writing to you since the last 2 weeks but I don't really have anything to say. If you notice, I moved to this new blog. It's not that I don't want the other one I had, I've been blogging there for 4 years. I just thought I've been writing nothing there but my nags about my life dramas, so I moved and I'm trying to neutralize the emotions of this blog as a whole. But, as usual, life has its own middle finger aimed on me. No matter how I try to avoid depression, it always catches me.

So, how's your year so far? How's school? I see you more often nowadays compared to the previous semester, and to think we were sharing 2 classes then (Life and Works of Jose Rizal and Sining ng Komunikasyon). You seem to gain lots of new friends already. As for me, I'm still going to classes alone. I don't really have friends in my class, I don't like them all. So I would just sit at the back with not a soul next to me. But I am better off that way.

Hey H, we're representing our campus in the inter-ABE cheerdance competition on Wednesday. I am hardly excited though. The truth is I really wanted to quit, but the team won't let me go. They say they're not gonna make it without me, I don't really get it. They just don't realize I don't fit in. It's ironic! I am the Cheer Captain yet I can't even cheer my own self up. I must not be in this position, I don't deserve the team at all.

I'm tremendously emo tonight. You know, Ralph Jhonel may be in love with someone already. He's been quoting love songs on his Facebook wall! But he's not gonna tell me if he is indeed in love or if he is not, it is not his obligation to tell me every single progression in his life. I'm so happy for him H, these tears aren't for because he loves someone else and not me but because I feel sorry for my self for being so desperate. I feel so alone. I feel invisible, like the Ghost Girl. I feel so pathetic that I give yet I'm never getting any. I feel so hopeless.

Why did it take this long before I realize my worth to everybody? I was never treated special. Not that I'm greedy for attention, I just want to be appreciated. But people don't see that. Look at you, you don't even have an idea I'm writing you this letter and all the other letters I wrote before which are addressed to you. And if you happen to find out I've been writing you letters since last semester, you're not gonna give a fuck anyway. Because I am not worthy of whoever's time. I am just a face with no name, a name with no recall, a memory without a worth.

H, I really love Ralph Jhonel. If I die soon, can you tell him that for me? Thanks!

its me,
Tuesday